


How you Made my Heart your Own

by Knaija



Series: Learning to Say No [1]
Category: Apink, Big Bang (Band), Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Consent Issues, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Fluff, Hero-worship, Jiyong shows up in chapter 6, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, cameos by other idols, new summary (same story), pinkfinite, sunggyu is depressed, this is my first fanfic, woogyu (platonic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-05-24 18:12:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6162211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knaija/pseuds/Knaija
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“If I could just-” Jongwan said as he grabbed the back of Sunggyu’s head and smashed their lips together so quickly that Sunggyu did not have any time to react. It felt so good, the plush fullness of Sunggyu’s mouth, still and unmoving, beneath his. He bit and chewed at Sunggyu’s bottom lip, letting his eyes fall shut so he could savor the comfort that was Sunggyu. When he finally broke away, Sunggyu looked more confused with his eyes open wide like a deer caught in headlights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning of the Cycle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lirazel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirazel/gifts), [streimel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/streimel/gifts), [flailingthroughsanity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flailingthroughsanity/gifts).



> Infinite and APink members live in the same place as real life but i changed up to living arrangements so that infinite lives in pairs while APink lives in threes. [woohyun/hoya, myungsoo/sungyeol, dongwoo/sungjong, naeun/bomi/hayoung, eunji/chorong/namjoo] only sunggyu lives alone because i want him to be able to lock people out every once in a while  
> i tried to stay as true to what i know so far, but onward, the story will not align with their schedules in the future and i might begin to bend a few things so don't kill me if someone's father turns out to be prime minister or some other weird thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongwan makes a mistake

“Why am I here, hyung?” Sunggyu grated, leaning back in his seat with his mask over his face and his eyes glaring into slits. His hair was wrinkled and clammy and stood atop his head like an unruly hay stack but image-obsessed Sunggyu could not bring himself to care and that worried Jongwan more than anything else.

“You need to stop wallowing, Sunggyu-yah.” Jongwan said, trying to sound stern but it just came out as whiney so he covered that up by spinning his chair around and facing the mixing board in front of him. “One of the songs is giving me headache.” Jongwan said, flipping his laptop open. “CEO-nim gave me a deadline.”

It was a lie because all the songs had been ready a week ahead of schedule and the CEO was quite proud, thank you very much.

“Since when am I go-to for writing music?” Sunggyu said, pulling up the hood of his sweater. “Call Tablo-hyung.”

“I wanted a newer mind.”

“Then call Woohyun.” Sunggyu said as he stood up hoping to leave the studio.

“Sit down.” Jongwan stated, finally finding his stern voice and Sunggyu plopped back into the chair like his legs were out of his control. He looked up at Jongwan like Jongwan had betrayed him for sounding so authoritative but other than that, he did nothing else. “It’s been almost a week. CEO-nim game you time to grieve but it’s time to work, kid.”

“You say that like a week is such a long time.”

“Everyone told you it was a bad idea from the start so if you’re expecting sympathy; you won’t find it at Woollim.” And then Jongwan went on to regret his brashness as Sunggyu’s face quivered in sadness and for a second, he feared that Sunggyu might cry. He was never mean to Sunggyu but for some reason, his patience was waning that day. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

Sunggyu just sat there with a hood over his head and a mask covering his face. Unable to keep staring at Sunggyu who was moody and not hero-worshipy at the moment, Jongwan typed in his password into his laptop and proceeded to plug it into the mixer. Woohyun had tried to break Sunggyu off his funk since they got back from their tour and somehow, it seemed that whatever he did, Sunggyu just pushed further away from the rest of Infinite. So Woohyun had called in the big guns: Jongwan. It usually worked like magic in the past. All Jongwan had to literarily do was command Sunggyu to feel better and that was that.

This time… not so much.

For once in his life, Sunggyu had not picked his call or called him back. Jongwan knew the situation had to be serious. So he went up to Sunggyu’s apartment and dragged him to the studio. But no amount of Jongwan or music (Sunggyu’s two favorite things) would make him feel happier –or, at least, less sad.

“Is it ever going to get better?” Sunggyu asked in voice so small, Jongwan may have missed it if he wasn’t so tense and aware at the moment. He looked over at Sunggyu and knew his only option was to lie.

“Yes.” He said. “The moment you decide it will be better, you will get better.” Sunggyu looked down at his hands as he began to twiddle his thumbs idly and Jongwan almost sighed in relief. At least a small part of Sunggyu still existed.

“I need to shower.” Sunggyu said.

“You do smell.” Jongwan agreed. “But we have a song-”

“Hyung, we both know you’re lying about that.” Sunggyu’s eyebrows rose skeptically over the mask and Jongwan laughed guiltily.

“Was worth the try.” Jongwan said. Sunggyu leaned back in his chair and pulled of his hood and mask with both his hands and Jongwan was reminded of how young he really was even though he liked to behave like an old man all the time.

“I was going to leave the apartment this week, anyway.” Sunggyu confessed. “CEO-nim threatened me.”

“He does that from time to time.” Jongwan said, nodding.

“I feel like crap.” Sunggyu exhaled, leaning forward.

“It helps if you talk to somebody.”

“Woohyun wouldn’t want to talk about this with me. He warned me…” Sunggyu trailed off.

“You could…” Jongwan began. “You could talk to me.” He suggested and Sunggyu looked at him and suddenly his hero-worship face was back, looking at Jongwan like he hung the moon.

“I could.” He said, nodding his head. “But I need to shower.”

The studio door burst open and Tablo entered carrying a green basket with two bottles of wine in it. The moment Jongwan saw him, he knew trouble was afoot.

“Nope.” Jongwan stated. “You can’t bring alcohol in here.”

“You drink here all the time.” Tablo said, setting down the basket beside Sunggyu and sitting on the couch beside the fridge that held the cups.

“I clean my mess.” Jongwan said.

“You said you finally got Sunggyu out so I thought we could celebrate.” Tablo smiled at Sunggyu and Sunggyu repaid the favor.

“I need to leave even, hyung.” Sunggyu said. “Jongwan-hyung said I should take a shower.” Sunggyu was already getting up and pulling on his mask.

“Aww.” Tablo said, reaching for the basket. “I was going to get you drunk and trash-talk that bi-”

“Tablo, maybe Sunggyu should just go home and clean up, eh?” Jongwan cut in as Tablo shrugged and started unwrapping the bottle cover. When Sunggyu left, Jongwan turned on Tablo with his most severe expression but Tablo just shrugged at him and Jongwan began to believe that he may be losing his guilt-shaming face.

“What? You could have stopped all that mess long before it started.” Tablo accused him as he got to work on the cork of the bottle.

“How?” Jongwan said. “Please tell me how this is my fault.”

“If you’d just told him how you felt from the beginning, that silly girl would have never stood a chance.” Tablo popped the cork and looked at Jongwan. “Everybody knows you’d never treat him so badly.”

*********

After a long shower, a hard look at his life and two hungry-looking bananas, Sunggyu paced outside of Woohyun’s and Howon’s apartment, unsure of what to do. He arrived ten minutes before the time he said he would after he called Woohyun, but somehow, he was unable to move any further. He knew what awaited him behind Woohyun’s door and today was to be his reckoning.

During the trip, Sunggyu had become a sad mess, unable to do anything and it had not occurred to him that he may have been slipping in his responsibilities as leader till the morning he watched Woohyun hand out his credit card to Sungjong to go get everyone coffee. Choosing to ignore the exchange before him, he hunched up his shoulders and headed for the van, missing the hopeful, longing looks from his members that maybe that day, they would get their leader back.

Sunggyu was ashamed to say that even though there was a time that seeing Woohyun take his place as leader would have spurred him out of his funk that did not happen this time. Instead, Sunggyu had gone on to behave like a zombie every time they were not on stage or a camera was not being shoved in their face. Having a substitute do his job, kind of made the wallowing a lot easier. Woohyun had learned not to fight an unreasonable Sunggyu.

Sometimes, Sunggyu longed for those days of thrown fists and mutual guilt but what could he do when his foil was grown up faster than he did? Woohyun’s strategy, these days was to be quiet on any matter and not push Sunggyu every time he got testy, or moody or said things that he did not mean. But when Leader-Gyu returned, he could expect a stern talking to from Woohyun who never hesitated to lay the guilt on very thickly.

So Sunggyu continued to pace. He could barely face Woohyun, and he wondered how he would face the other members without feeling like crap so he figured, Woohyun first, so that he could have a little back-up when he decided to join the group chat that evening again.

“Hyung?” He heard as he spun around feeling like a thief.

“Howon-ah.” Sunggyu said, trying to smile but he was sure it just came off as a grimace. Howon adjusted the bag in his hand, looking at Sunggyu as if he was trying to decipher what mood he was in. They stood there staring at each other and Sunggyu could not believe that they had come to this.

He was about to bolt when Howon stepped forward, grabbed Sunggyu’s hand with his free hand and headed for the door. Sunggyu watched as Howon argued with himself on whether to drop the bag or Sunggyu’s hand in order to type in the password. He seemed to reach a conclusion because he slowly stepped forward pressed his fore-head to the buzzer instead. Then the two of them stood watching again. Sunggyu wondered if it was still too late for him to just slip his hand out of Howon’s grip and get off the seventh floor before the door was opened. Howon, on the other hand, appeared to have developed the ability to read minds because his grip on Sunggyu’s hand tightened. When Sunggyu looked at him, Howon’s face was tight and firm.

“Not anymore, hyung.” He said. “You’re not running away from us anymore.”

When the doors opened and Myungsoo appeared with an apron, Sunggyu barely had time to register his full appearance before Myungsoo jumped and latched onto him like a leech.

“Hyung!” he shrieked in Sunggyu’s ear and Sunggyu actually smiled as he felt Howon’s hand let go of his.

“Guess who I found skulking around outside.” Howon said.

“I wasn’t skulking.” Sunggyu said as Myungsoo shuffled backwards into the house, refusing to let go of Sunggyu. This made taking off his shoes a completely different ball game.

“Sunggyu-hyung.” Woohyun said, emerging from the kitchen not wearing an apron.

“Woohyun.” He called as the bathroom door opened and Sungyeol came out too, smiling.

“Finally!” He said, wiping his hands on his jeans. “We can watch Showtime, Episode 12.”

“What?” Sunggyu asked. “You haven’t seen it yet?”

“We were waiting for you.” Myungsoo said as everyone stiffened at the unintentional recognition of the elephant in the room.

“Well, I’m back now.” Sunggyu said, moving into the living room and picking up the remote. “Where did you save it?” Sungyeol quickly but gently, took the remote from Sunggyu’s hand.

“We wouldn’t want you to press “spoil” or “delete” now, would we.” Sunggyu smacked him upside the head as the doorbell rang again.

“That must be Dongwoo and Sungjong.”

Three hours and seven full bellies later, Infinite was spread out in the living room like a bunch of loose-limbed old people while the television hummed away at a low volume. Sunggyu sat at the edge of the sofa facing the television while Dongwoo lay on the entire sofa with his head in Sunggyu’s lap. Sunggyu had since determined that Dongwoo was asleep when the first signs of wet saliva seeped through his jeans.

Sitting between Sunggyu’s legs with his head on the other lap that Dongwoo did not occupy, Myungsoo slept too with his mouth open. He had one arm wrapped around Sunggyu’s leg and every time Sunggyu tried to move, he would whine and shuffle till Sunggyu went steady again. On the other side of the room, Sungyeol sat, curled into a ball with his phone clutched in his hand where he had previously been chatting with Teentop’s Niel. From time to time, he would snore himself to consciousness but then, slowly, his eyes would drift off again.

By Sunggyu’s side, Howon and Sungjong lay on the two-seat sofa. While Howon kept throwing worried, weird looks in Sunggyu’s direction, Sungjong just seemed to want to merge their bodies with how much he kept burrowing into Howon’s chest and Sunggyu wondered if in his psychological absence, that ship had finally sailed.

“What is it, Howon?” Sunggyu asked and Howon just shook his head before turning back to the television. “Do you think I can’t feel you trying to read my thoughts from over there?”

“I’m just glad to have you back.” He said stiffly.

“Doesn’t sound like.”

“Well what do you want me to say?” Howon spat angrily and Sunggyu was inclined to let that one slide because he may have deserved it.

“I’m sorry.” Sunggyu said.

“I’m not going to apologize.” Howon said. “I have done nothing wro-”

“ _I’m_ sorry. _I’m_ apologizing.” Sunggyu said as Howon’s expression melted from anger to guilt. And maybe a hint of wistfulness.

“It’s okay. You really shouldn’t beat yourself up. Everyone gets a pass to be silly.”

“But I’m leader. I shouldn’t be silly.” Sunggyu was going to over-look the fact that he had just agreed with Howon that he was silly.

“Which means you get two passes.” Sungjong said, finally raising his head from Howon’s chest to look at Sunggyu. Woohyun came in from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel as he sat on the arm of the sofa beside Sunggyu.

“We should wake the kids. It’s almost eleven.”

“Let them sleep. They have no schedules tomorrow.” Sunggyu said, petting Myungsoo’s hair.

“The three of us do.” Woohyun said, gesturing at himself, Sunggyu and Howon. Howon fidgeted in his seat, the worried look returning to his face again.

“Are you ready?” he asked. “For tomorrow, I mean?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“We have a recording.” Howon pointed out. “With APink.”

“She’ll be there.” Sungjong said, as if reminding Sunggyu of something that he could ever forget. Sunggyu just shrugged, hating that this conversation had been brought up.

“When are you going to scold me?” He asked Woohyun, preferring a good, hard scolding to talking about APink.

“Like Howon said,” Woohyun said. “You get one pass.”

*********

Having to watch Woohyun be restless the whole elevator ride down to the lobby was irritating, at best. Before, he had teased Woohyun at how easily the prospect of seeing Eunji turned him a nervous wreck, but now, it just peeved him immensely that Woohyun had not learned from his mistake. Apparently Woohyun was too slow to pick up on one simple truth that Sunggyu had come to know: that girl-idols were pure evil.

Howon just shook his head and pretended like Woohyun was not bouncing on the balls of his feet, shoving his hands in and out of his jacket pockets, over and over again. In fact, he quietly plugged in his ever present ear phones and turned on his music, leaving Sunggyu to deal with his frustrated second-in-command.

Sunggyu could never fathom how easily Woohyun flirted with every girl he met like it was a compulsion that drove him without his permission. He said cheesy things to the few noonas he respected and said condescendingly cheesy things to dongsaengs that he came in contact with. But when Woohyun brushed with any girls that were remotely in his age range, he was downright nasty, most of time. Luckily, after spending so many years with Infinite, APink had developed immunity to his tongue in that they no longer blushed at his suggestions and some of the members even went along, encouraging and bantering right back at Woohyun.

Except Eunji. At first, the poor girl had taken it to mean that Woohyun-oppa did not like her. That soon passed after a rather raunchy game of dangyunhaji between the Infinite and APink members that somehow led to the revelation that Woohyun had pictures of Eunji on his phone that he did not download off the internet.

So began the teasing and the shifty looks whenever Eunji was around and Sunggyu was ashamed to think that he had even encouraged it in the hope of double-dating. Now, he just wanted to smack Woohyun upside the head.

Which he did.

“Hyung!” Woohyun said as the elevator dinged open and they flooded out.

It was then Sunggyu’s own nervousness overtook because while he had been distracting himself with Woohyun’s issues, he had forgotten that he had more severe burns than Woohyun ever would. As they rounded out of the elevator corridor and into the empty lobby, Sunggyu’s eyes unconsciously started searching, quite longingly, for the wicked red head. He noted the Infinite and APink managers talking to Chorong who smiled when she saw them and waved them over but Sunggyu’s eyes just kept on searching.

He found Eunji quite quickly because she was as loud as ever, laughing and snorting at the same time but he was confused when he looked at who she was talking to and noticed that it was… Bomi? Sunggyu made his way towards them in confusion, wondering what Bomi was doing there.

“Oppa.” Eunji and Bomi said, smiling at them as Eunji easily slipped in beside Howon, putting her hand through his that was stuck in his pocket. Sunggyu shook his head about to ask but Bomi beat him to it.

“Naeun had to go see her parents for a while. CEO-nim reshuffled the roster because he didn’t want to postpone this any longer.” She said, looking at him a bit worriedly.

He would have cursed. Quite loudly. But they were semi-in-public, so he just nodded his head and left in the direction of the van waiting for them outside.

*********

When Infinite and APink arrived, Jongwan was already set up and leaning back in his chair. He could feel the tension bouncing off of the kids, as they hunched into the studio and took seats or places around the small room. Hyoan entered right behind them, informing Jongwan that the Acube producer would not make it that day. Jongwan did not mind, most of the real producing was done. In fact, all he would be doing on the first day was coach and blend for chorus as a start. He was not planning to do any real heavy lifting.

While the maknaes, Howon and Eunji, chatted cheerily in whispers at one end of the room with Eunji sitting on the couch and Howon on the arm, Bomi sat beside Eunji with a calm demeanor, looking around as if she had never been in a Woollim studio before. Chorong was on the phone, talking quietly while Woohyun and Sunggyu stood off to the side like two taut, uncomfortable bodyguards. Jongwan guessed it was a plus that Sunggyu thought to walk under a shower head that morning. So there was that to be happy about. Chorong got off the phone, smiling at Jongwan.

“Oppa, hello.” She said, waving. “When do we start?”

“Lead vocals in, first.” Jongwan said and if it was possible, the whole room became tenser. “What?” he asked, looking around, before Eunji entered the recording booth. Followed, rather unhappily, by Woohyun. _Right, how could I forget?_ But he couldn’t take it back now. It was not like he took it upon himself to remember every single detail of idle gossip Sunggyu had ever given him. He had a plan to pair off the voices: Eunji/Woohyun, Howon/Chorong (because, rappers) and Bomi/Sunggyu. Now, it was too late to switch Eunji to pair with Sunggyu so he was just going to have to deal.

This was going to be a very long day.

*********

Both Eunji and Woohyun kept messing up the curb in the chorus, so Jongwan got frustrated and had the other two pairs record while the two of them just sat in a corner. As Sunggyu emerged from the recording booth with Bomi, he saw Howon trying –and failing- to cheer Eunji into a conversation but she was barely there, so he resigned as soon as Jongwan called him and Chorong into the booth.

Sunggyu sat beside Woohyun, worried. He nudged him with his knee but Woohyun just smiled a weak twitch before his face returned to normal. Sunggyu could not understand what was so difficult. He could either move on or do something about it. The girl already knew he liked her so what harm could there be to just go right out and say it? It was then it occurred to Sunggyu that… maybe Woohyun had learnt from his mistake after all. Maybe his break-up with Naeun was what was frustrating his friend and turning him into a shell because he could neither move on nor do anything about it.

 _Juuuust great_ , Sunggyu thought.

More reasons to feel guilty. When Jongwan was satisfied with Howon and Chorong, he sent the four of them out and Sunggyu knew he thought it would be better for Woohyun and Eunji if they did not have an audience. He could not help but feel sad at the helpless look Woohyun threw his way, just before he shut the door.

Sunggyu went straight to the cafeteria where he sat nursing a hot cup of coffee before Chorong slide into the chair opposite him. He looked up at her before he continued to look at his coffee.

“Oppa.” She said awkwardly like she had not thought her decision to come and sit there, through. “I can’t wait to debut with you.” She said, smiling. “It would be like doing it all over again.”

Sunggyu could tell she was trying too hard to bridge the gap but he just was not ready.

“Can you imagine?” She continued to say. “Creating a co-ed group from two different companies. I mean, I know Infinite and APink were close but this would phenomenal. It wouldn’t just be a special stage or anything, it would include actual tours. Can you imagine? Promoting together as a unit. A mini-album. That doesn’t even make sense. Only Acube or Woollim would think up something like this.” He still did not say anything. “If only they would just go ahead and find us a name so that we can stop being Pinkfinite.” She laughed to herself but he did not follow.

Her laugh died down as she realized that her tactics weren’t working and just when Sunggyu thought she would leave, she switched gears.

“Your CEO did not want you to do this.” She said and Sunggyu finally looked up at her. “He was worried about you. He thought he should give you more time because he did not think you and Naeun could debut together without causing a scandal.”

“He was right.”

“My CEO thought you had to be there. You are leader, after all. So he suggested taking Naeun off the roster instead. When I told her, she was kinda happ…” Chorong stopped herself but Sunggyu already got the message. Loud and Clear! “Not that she doesn’t want to see you, Oppa.”

“Did you know?” Sunggyu asked, clasping his hands in front of his cup of coffee. “Honestly.”

“Oppa-”

“Tell me the truth, Chorong.”

“Wow! What happened to “Rong-ie”?” She asked. When he did not answer, she sighed heavily. “I was protecting my member, oppa. You of all people should know that. She was going through something serious… and she is just a child.”

“She’s not a child anymore.” He hissed.

“You know what I mean.” Chorong hissed back. Sunggyu laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“So what about me? I didn’t deserve to know what I was getting into? Hmm? You thought she could just-”

“Imagine if it was your member. Imagine if it was Woohyun. Would you tell me if I was dating him? Something this big.”

Sunggyu had not thought of it that way. If… if it was his member… He would do something.

“I deserved to know before-”

“You still don’t get it.” She said shaking her head. “You’re not the only one who’s been hurt, here.”

Sighing in frustration, she got up and walked away, leaving Sunggyu to twiddle his thumbs in discomfort. 

*********

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Jongwan stated as Tablo raided his closet that Friday night.

Having successfully recorded four out of the six songs in the past month, Jongwan was excited to not have to get excited over anything that weekend when the CEO gave them time-off. Now here was Tablo, threatening to destroy his solace.

“Yuka Kashino is in Korea. She is Seoul for tonight and is leaving tomorrow evening.”

“What is she doing here?”

“I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t care. But I’m going to that party.”

“What party?”

“It’s Friday, what do you mean, what party?” He withdrew from the wardrobe with a pair of jeans, a plaid shirt and a black jacket.

“I am not wearing that.”

“It was in your closet.” Tablo said.

“I have a schedule tomorrow.” Jongwan said.

“Don’t lie, your CEO gave you a beak.”

“From producing.” Jongwan said. “I’m auditioning trainees who will be in the new Woollim boy group.”

“Right!” Tablo said. “I forgot that that was tomorrow. Have someone do it for you. Ask another Woollim favorite.” He snapped his fingers. “Ask Sunggyu. He’d do it.”

“Nope.” Jongwan said in English. “He’s been busy and he actually has a real break. Between promoting Infinite and practicing for Pinkfinite, the boy is about to drop dead.”

“Come on!” Tablo whined. “You deserve a break.”

“And Sunggyu doesn’t?”

“He’s young and virile.”

Tablo got hit in the face with a pillow.

“Yah!” Jongwan shouted. “I’m young and virile too.”

“Call Sunggyu. He won’t even argue, if it’s you.”

“Of course, he will. He’s been whining about how he needs rest.”

“Are you kidding? If you ask, Sunggyu’d say yes to anything.”

And so he called Sunggyu.

*********

 In-pi-ni-tu Chat 

**Hyun: guys, u wnt blv who we saw 2day**

**Dino: Who?**

**Hyun: gyu-hyung jr.**

**Soo: Gyu-hyung has a son?**

**Dino: no, he dsnt.**

**Dino: ds he?**

**Hyun: no**

**Hyun: it ws jst dis kid @ audi**

**Hyun: I swr, dyr d same prsn**

**Dino: how?**

**Hyun: he has a lisp lyk hyung**

**Hynu: n he sounds nasal whn he sings**

**Hyun: jst lyk hyung**

**Gyu: I do not sound nasal.**

**Gyu: Hyun is being ridiculous**

**Hoya: gyu-hyung, u do knw wat IM is, ryt?**

**Soo: hyung, u ddnt deny ur lisp *shocked face***

**Gyu: Because my lisp is cute.**

**Gyu: Inspirits love my lisp**

**Gyu: Howon, I will smash your Motorola**

**Hoya: omg, cmplte wif caps n errthg**

**Hyun: d poor boy nrly peed his pants whn he saw gyu-hyung**

**Hyun: he was xpctn j-hyung**

**Hyun: bt he askd us to fill in**

**Gyu: Now, you’re just being ridiculous**

**Hyun: gues wch song he sang**

**Hyun: 60secs Hoya: *rotfl***

**Hoya: gyu-hyung has a sasaeng in Woollim**

**Soo: finally!**

**Soo: hyung, it’s a gud thng, ena?**

**Gyu: He is not a sasaeng!**

**Gyu: He just happens to be a fan of good music**

**Hoya: self-praise?**

**Hoya: really, hyung?**

**Hyun: n he luks lyk gyu-hyung**

**Gyu: I will destroy your phone, Nam Woohyun**

**Hyun: [image]**

**Dino: oh**

**Hoya: my**

**Dino: GOD!!!**

**Soo: dat’s gyu-hyung**

**Soo: Hyun-hyung, I thnk u snt d wrng pic**

**Hyun: luk again**

**Hyun: smaller chix**

**Hoya: biga eyes**

**Dino: bt stil gyu-hyung**

**Dino: dis is so weird**

**Soo: bt whr dd he gt gyu-hyung’s shirt?**

**Hyun: I askd bout dat**

**Hyun: afta he watchd shwtym, ep6**

**Hyun: he wnt out n got his**

**Hoya: *rotfl*lol*lmfao*anyotheremoticonthatshowsifindthishilarious***

**Gyu: I am going to go ahead and ignore you all, now**

**Hyun: guys, jst thnk *wistful***

**Hyun: we nw hv a gyu-hyung we cn bully**

**Hyun: yay!**

**H** **oya: yay, too *evil smirk***

**Dino: smh**

**Soo: dnt wori hyung, I wil prtect ur son**  

*********

Sunggyu never showed for dinner at Woohyun’s that evening so he called him to find out why. When Sunggyu refused to pick, he assumed Sunggyu was still a little –a lot- peeved that they had teased him about his “son”. So Woohyun ignored his instinct to go downstairs and check.

By the next morning, as Sungjong raided their fridge after he returned from church, waking Woohyun and Howon in the process, he told Woohyun that he had not seen Sunggyu that day. Woohyun began to worry.

He took the four flights of stairs that led him down two floors below and walked the corridor to Sunggyu’s flat. Sunggyu refused to open the door and, once again, Woohyun was annoyed that he changed the stupid password. Really, how much space could someone need to grieve?

“Hyung, hello.” Woohyun spoke into his phone as he climbed back up the stairs.

“Woohyun?” Jongwan said groggily into the phone. “What is it?”

“Please can you come see Sunggyu-hyung?”

“What happened?” Jongwan suddenly sounded more alert.

“He’s not picking his calls and he won’t come to the door.”

“I’ll be over, soon.” Jongwan said.

“I wouldn’t have called but we have to get back to work tomorrow. Wouldn’t want him to miss rehearsals and PR prep.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself for caring, Woohyun.”

“Okay hyung.” The line went dead.

If Sunggyu failed to show up on Monday, forget the stupid pass, Woohyun would punch him right in the throat.

*********

Jongwan called, ran the bell and banged the door pretty hard before it finally clicked open and he was a little pissed that Sunggyu had made him wait that long. As he removed his shoe, he looked up to find Sunggyu just standing there, sweatpants and t-shirt loosely hanging off his body and his hair in his eyes. Even in the bad lighting of the fore-room, Jongwan could see the telltale signs of Sunggyu’s tears.

“Have you eaten today?” Jongwan said, walking past him and heading for the kitchen. Sunggyu did not answer but just quietly followed him in. “I could make us something.”

All he found in the fridge was old pizza, old milk and some eggs. Sunggyu probably never ate in his apartment when Woohyun was just an elevator ride away. Jongwan shrugged off his jacket and fired up the stove before going in search of pans.

Lunch was a sadder affair as they both sat side-by-side in the dining, eating in silence. Jongwan knew that Sunggyu was itching to be alone and if he were anyone else, he would not be allowed into the apartment, much less, still be around. But he figured, if he could get Sunggyu to at least talk back to him or get his mind off Naeun for two seconds, he could feel that maybe Sunggyu won’t flake on his job the next day.

As there were sitting in the sitting room with the television on but no one really watching, Jongwan looked over at Sunggyu.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m fine, hyung.” He grouched out.

“Woohyun said-”

“I can’t have two seconds in my own home without supervision?”

“Watch your tone.” Jongwan said tersely and Sunggyu’s mouth snapped shut.

“I’m sorry.” He said, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his yes.

“Anything I can do…?” Jongwan said. “To keep your mind off…”

“Maybe you can not mention her.” Sunggyu said as his tongue peeped out of his mouth and innocently ran across his upper lip. Jongwan’s eyes followed the movement so distractedly that he wished the tongue would make another appearance.

Unable to help himself, he etched forward, facing Sunggyu on the couch so that his knee was digging into Sunggyu’s thigh and then he raised his hand to pat Sunggyu on the back. He had never done anything like this before but he had seen Sunggyu and Tablo cuddle so many times that he figured this was not such a bad thing.

“Uh… don’t take this the wrong way, hyung,” Sunggyu said, sounding uncertain. “But you’re acting odd.”

That was all it took for Jongwan to realize that while one of his hand rested on Sunggyu’s back, the other stroked Sunggyu’s thigh. Very slowly. He looked up at Sunggyu to find confusion and there was no way it was possible that a person could look so broken and yet so appealing at the same time.

“If I could just-” Jongwan said as he grabbed the back of Sunggyu’s head and smashed their lips together so quickly that Sunggyu did not have any time to react. It felt so good, the plush fullness of Sunggyu’s mouth, still and unmoving, beneath his. He bit and chewed at Sunggyu’s bottom lip, letting his eyes fall shut so he could savor the comfort that was Sunggyu. When he finally broke away, Sunggyu looked more confused with his eyes open wide like a deer caught in headlights.

“Hyung, why?” He asked, dazedly before Jongwan was leaning forward again and even though Sunggyu tried to lean away, Jongwan’s hand held him firmly in place as he kissed him again, pushing the boy over till Jongwan was lying over him.

“It… will… be… so… good.” Jongwan promised between kisses before he looked down at Sunggyu. “I’ll make you feel so good, I promise.”

“Hyung, wait.”

Jongwan kissed him again, teeth clashing, tongue insisting on entrance and even though he could feel Sunggyu tense beneath him, Jongwan decided to keep on. Sunggyu finally got his hand between the two of them and pushed Jongwan up, looking uncertain and a little worried.

“I don’t,” he said, his voice so tiny and scared. “I don’t want this. Please.”

 _If you ask, Sunggyu’d say yes to anything_ , he heard Tablo’s voice say.

“You do.” Jongwan said. “Trust me, you do.” He leaned down again. “Let me make this good for you.”

He kissed Sunggyu again and this time, Sunggyu opened his mouth, allowing him entrance that felt so right. Jongwan’s hand reached lower till he came to the elastic band of the sweat pants. Gulping into the kiss, he plunged his hands into the younger boy’s trouser.

And if he felt any wetness of Sunggyu’s face, Jongwan was going to pretend they were not made from tears.

*********

 …two minutes later …three minutes …five minutes and Sunggyu was still incredibly flaccid. While one side of his brain tried to figure out why he was not yet hard, the other side was freaking out because Jongwan-hyung + Hand + Sunggyu + DOWN THERE!!!

He could not understand why he was even crying. He sniffed the moment Jongwan unlatched his mouth from his and began kissing his way down Sunggyu’s chest, mouthing at him through his t-shirt. He knew what was about to happen and Sunggyu could not help but feel odd? Exposed? Ignored? Disgusted!

Air whipped at him signifying that Jongwan had pulled his trousers down, but before he could say anything, Jongwan took him whole into his mouth: even though he was still nothing but a limp banana down there. And suddenly, he was overcome with so much anger that he placed his hands on Jongwan’s shoulder and pushed him so hard that he fell off the sofa.

Sunggyu got up, pulling his sweats up and adjusting his trouser because, really, what else could he do?

“Get out!” He suggested, pointing at his door.

“Gyu-yah.”

“I SAID LEAVE!” Sunggyu screamed. How could Jongwan do this? How could he _let_ Jongwan do this to him?

“I was only trying to help.”

“And I said no, hyung. But you wouldn’t listen so get out of my house now.”

“I was only trying to make you feel better.”

“Mission failed, hyung. You think saying that over and over again is going to just automatically make me feel good? I’m not gay.”

Jongwan stood, looking shocked –more shocked than he had looked when Sunggyu pushed him off.

“I thought-”

“Hello?!” Sunggyu raised his hands over his head. “Girlfriend? The reason I feel like… like crap.” He fell back on the sofa, clutching his chest because it suddenly hurt so much. He had managed a full two seconds without thinking about Naeun and now it him again like a freight train. Sunggyu sobbed, hating himself for crying again, when he was trying to make a serious statement.

“Are you alright?” Jongwan approached him.

“Please leave.” Sunggyu begged through tears. “I promise to show up tomorrow but you… get out of my house.”

Jongwan looked like he wanted to argue for a moment, but then he stood, picked his jacket and closed the door behind himself as he left.

Sunggyu cried harder than he ever has in his entire life.

*********

Woohyun was going to send Jongwan a fruit basket. Like, a very big one. Probably buy him a new room set or something because he had no idea what Jongwan had said, but the way Sunggyu showed up with fire for practice the next day had Woohyun so excited that he did not even complain or fight the fact that Sunggyu had become a huge, angry dick.

He would take angry-driven-Sunggyu over mopey-spacey-Sunggyu any day.

Dance practice with APink was so different and yet so similar to dance practice with Infinite that Woohyun found it eerie. With Infinite, after years of brotherhood, it was so easy to pick up a pattern once the choreography got introduced that even people like Myungsoo or Sunggyu took to it pretty quickly. Measuring angles and tiny nuances was such an easy thing to do that when one person did a move different, it was so glaring to the eye to notice.

Practice with APink was more organic. The choreography was spread between the APink and the Infinite choreographers so that while one song looked as knifely as an Infinite dance, the next would look as fluid as APink. But because the choreographers were present in almost every rehearsal together, it was not long before they were mixing ways and turning Pinkfinite into one big, giant Infinite and APink baby.

Sunggyu let them fool around during breaks, but once the choreographers left and he was leader, he drilled them so hard like he had done during their trainee days. The only people who appreciated this were Howon and Chorong. Woohyun kept quiet because he did not want to jinx the drive Sunggyu had developed. Bomi and Eunji, on the other hand, whined and complained till Sunggyu snapped at them and they submitted.

By the time they broke for the day, waiting for the PR manager to show, feelings were hurt.

“Woohyun-sunbae.” Woohyun looked up to find Gyu-junior, or Taesan standing in the door holding a pack with two coffee cups in it.

Woohyun sighed and motioned him over as the boy reluctantly entered the room, bowing at everyone he passed on the way. When he got to where Woohyun and Sunggyu were sitting side by side on the floor, he knelt beside Woohyun, handing him a cup while staring at Sunggyu who had his knees up and his head placed on them. Woohyun was pretty sure Sunggyu was sleeping. Woohyun nudged him and his head rose in question.

“Taesan brought you coffee, hyung.” Woohyun said.

He noted the look of sadness as Sunggyu looked at the boy, which was strange because he usually just scowled at the boy till he ran away or ignored him even though the boy was always jumping at a reason to be around them. Sunggyu reached up and took the second cup while nodding at Taesan. The boy’s breath hitched, next to Woohyun and when Woohyun looked at him, he had become so red; Woohyun believed he had to be hurting. But then a smile broke out on his face. Shyly, he turned away and raced out of the studio as the other members started laughing. For once, Sunggyu just shook his head without any anger and drank his coffee.  

*********

“You just made that boy’s day.” Woohyun said.

“If only he could have brought me a bed.”

“All you have to do is ask.”

Sunggyu drank his coffee, letting the heat scorch its way down his throat. He could not wait for the PR manager to get there so he could have his mind occupied. There was so much he did not want to think about and having someone shout at him, or better yet, shouting at someone was more therapy than he ever realized.

“Invite him over sometime.” Woohyun said. “You could mentor him. You know, the way Jongwan-hyung mentored you.”

The coffee in his mouth turned to ash, because _why_?

“I’m not one for mentoring. I already have too many children.” Sunggyu said, gesturing at the practice room.

“You could do it, hyung. Plus, you’d have someone to boss around that would never complain. Seriously, he’d never say no to you.”

And why did that sound so, very familiar?


	2. The Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunggyu gets a new toy

Rooming with Howon was a complete nightmare what with having to wake up to a remake of Reply Me 1997 featuring Lee Sungjong every morning and Woohyun hated it. For numerous reasons, least of which weren’t: 1) Howon was an energizer bunny who made Woohyun feel inadequately old because after days of the exact same schedule load, Howon would still find time –and energy- to hit the gym, go for dance practice with Dongwoo, record his silly English song covers and wake up before 8am the next day to play and make noise with Sungjong and Eunji. 2) Eunji was present most of the time in their stupid trio so Woohyun could not exactly step out and tell them all to just “SHUT UP” because: his life.

Woohyun laid awake, hugging his pillow and staring at the ceiling as the curtains continue to fail at their jobs and let more streams of sunlight worsen an already crapp day. Woohyun was going to move. That was one of the promises he made to himself every morning. He was going to switch rooms and stay with Dongwoo so that Sungjong could move in here.

But that would just be asking for trouble.

Resigned, Woohyun stood from his bed, stretching and cracking out his kinks as he reached for his door and opened it just in time to hear the three people in Howon’s room scream at whatever stupid thing they were watching or playing or doing. Woohyun hated his life.

Luckily, there was an advantage to having two over-excited early waking band mates and that was ready-made coffee, so as Woohyun drank, he stared at the calendar that sat on the wall beside the fridge. Another radio show that morning. Soon, Sunggyu would call to make sure he was awake. As if he could sleep with the irritating children next door.

The door to Howon’s room opened and closed and Woohyun’s heartbeat hastened as he stepped away from the corridor, hoping the fridge would block him, which was stupid because the fridge was flat, into the wall. That didn’t stop him from trying. Then he heard a knock at his door and he wondered why anyone would knock… why she would knock at his door.

“Woohyun?” Howon called and Woohyun didn’t know if he was relieved or annoyed.

“In the kitchen.” He said, dryly.

Howon appeared.

“You’re awake. Gyu-hyung called that I should wake you because you weren’t picking your phone.”

“I’ll just go shower.”

“Okay.” Howon said, returning to his room.

He made himself a sandwich on their way out and munched on it in the elevator, ignoring the glances he got from Sungjong and Howon. They woke him up ahead of schedule so he’d tease their hungry bellies with a nice, tasty sandwich. All’s just fair. He was lucky Eunji left before he got out of the shower, so he had enough space to be as petty as he wanted without worry.

The Infinite members arrived at the ShimShimTaPa studio almost half an hour before their slot where they were herded into the waiting area and handed scripts. Woohyun didn’t bother going through his because he would like to think of himself as a vet in these things. Besides, the fact that the PD-noona did not see fit to speak to them in a condescending manner told him that he was vet enough for the situation.

Myungsoo and Sungyeol sat on the sofa with Woohyun were Myungsoo slept and Sungyeol texted, while Sunggyu took the chair in the corner. Beside him, Dongwoo and Howon talked animatedly about some new thing or other that no one else was ever going to be interested in.

Sungjong was still stuck to Howon’s side, leaning in on his shoulder as if they had not already spent the whole morning together. Woohyun shook his head because when that situation decided to blow up in all their faces, he hoped he’d be far away in another country… or doing his military service. He scowled at Sunggyu, blaming him just a little. As long as their leader did not have his shit together, the members were going to keep behaving like endorphinated little idiots. Including himself.

Having spent years under the watchful eye of leader, Sungjong looked to be keeping his hormones in check but it was like everyone could see that Sunggyu had sort of checked out on all of them: that he might still be leader, but he would condone a lot more than he ever did. And all that rubbish started the day he decided to let the members know it was okay to be intimate with other idols, particularly the ones they lived with and saw almost every day. No one could fault Sungjong for taking the opportunity or following his leader. Where the problem lay was in the fact that Howon was so clearly not interested in Sungjong in that way.

It was pretty sad, actually. It would have been better if Howon didn’t have men-bones in that closet but his affair with Exo’s Chen was enough to tell anyone that Howon did not sexually discriminate. Except if the person was Sungjong.

“Sunggyu-shi.” The PD-noona called and Sunggyu left with her, folding his own script in his hand. Woohyun adjusted his cap and looked around at the members. Very soon, they would be seeing each other for two-three hours a day. Once their debut with APink went through and promotions began, that would put Howon, Sunggyu and himself out of the way for days at a time even. Dongwoo had just been cast in the theater musical “Westside Story” as Riff. Even if Woohyun didn’t have a sub-unit, he’d never see Dongwoo for the next few months unless they were promoting as Infinite. Myungsoo was scouted for a drama that he hadn’t yet agreed to but seeing as all the other members are doing one thing or another, Woohyun figured it was only a matter of time before Woollim made the release.

As for Sungyeol and Sungjong, they were to feature, mentor and host the pre-debut reality show of STS, the new Woollim boy-band that was set to debut sometime in August. The same band that Taesan (Sunggyu’s “son”) was set to be a member of. They were told it would be a full time job with them working with these boys on and off screen and they would be almost, if not just as, busy as the rest of the infinite members.

Sungjong was coughing in a corner as Howon absentmindedly patted his back while continuing his conversation with Dongwoo as if Sungjong was not nearly dying beside him. When he stopped coughing and stood up straight, Howon withdrew his hand and kept speaking. Sungjong eyed Dongwoo, mildly before he moved his eyes away from the pair beside him, inadvertently locking gazes with Woohyun.

Woohyun almost staggered from the sheer intensity of Sungjong’s fury even though the maknae successfully wiped it off his face and smiled at Woohyun. Woohyun blinked in confusion because if he had not just watched all that happen before him, he would have never believed it happened.

He averted his eyes from Sungjong’s reading the script in his hand that he had previously neglected. It wasn’t long before he felt Sungjong walk towards him and take up the space beside him on the sofa.

“Anything on your mind, hyung?” he asked, looking around like they were about to deal drugs. “Anything you want to say?”

“Nope.” Woohyun said, leaning back on the sofa to watch Sungjong watch him. Sungjong opened his mouth to say something and then he shut it again, hesitating like he was on the verge of spilling his life history. But then, he too, leaned back on the chair, and continued to stare off into space.

Why were they all so emotionally constipated?

“Let’s go.” Sunggyu called as he poked his head in and they were, once again being herded for the studio.

The interview was going quite well till Shin-dong decided to talk about Infinite’s partnership with APink.

“Ahhhh, Shindong-shi.” Sunggyu teased, sitting up in his chair.

“It’s a simple question.” Shindong said. “Is the song style different from Infinite’s previous work?”

“Infinite and APink will bring you good music that can help you relax after a long day or share your love with a person you wish to do so with. But it will also bring out other human emotions and it is easy to relate to.” Sunggyu said. “That being said, it should be interesting for the fans to see how well the voices of Infinite will mix with APink to bring you a whole new sound.”

As if on cue, the members of Infinite clapped loudly, recognizing that their leader had just spun a yarn full of bullshit to keep from answering the actual question that had been asked.

“Okay, I will ask a much simpler question.” Shindong said. “Which member is your ideal type?”

The studio erupted because; of course this question just had to squeeze its way into the conversation.

“Woohyun-shi.” Shindong asked and all the members looked at him.

“In the sub-group or the whole group?” he asked, trying to bid time to figure out if he should tell the truth or lie.

“Whole group.” Shindong said and Woohyun figure: eh, what the hell.

“Eunji-shi.” He said and the members snickered.

“Really?” Shindong said. “How about in the sub-group?”

It was plain coincidence that the girl he had picked in the whole group was also in the sub-group so Woohyun did not want to seem like he was fixating on one member.

“Bomi-shi.” He said nodding as Shindong seemed satisfied.

“Sunggyu-shi?”

Woohyun’s blood ran hot, knowing that after Sunggyu had just bested Shindong, if he so much as showed any crack, Shindong would focus on it and mention it to the listeners and draw so much attention till something slipped up.

“Chorong.” Sunggyu said, smiling.

“Why?”

“She’s…” Sunggyu pretended to maul it over. “She’s the oldest and the most mature. I watch her take care of the members all the time.”

“So you’re ideal type is the maternal kind?” Shindong said, pressing.

“Yes.” Sunggyu said with a laugh, faking a blush behind his hand as if he may have revealed just a little too much. Shindong laughed in triumph.

“Am I to assume that it’s the same in the sub-group?”

Sunggyu hesitated before he nodded, driving home his feigned honesty.

Without doubt, there was a reason he was leader.

The rest of the interview passed with Shindong trying, and sometimes succeeding, at getting more information on the coming activities of the various Infinite members. Some people were allowed to speak on their activities because promotion was around the corner. People like Dongwoo whose role in "Westside Story" had already been accepted and confirmed, could be discussed. Sungjong and Sungyeol’s participation in STS’s reality show was another topic that they could freely talk about especially when Shindong drew comparisons between that and Tablo and Mithra’s participation in Infinite’s YAMO during their own pre-debut days.

Infinite really had come, full circle.

However, they could not discuss Myungsoo’s role in the drama and they could not discuss the collaboration with APink. Shindong seemed a little peeved by this but being the professional that he was, he went on to dig up more dirt from the members in softer areas so that the interview was still as well-informing as he had hoped it would be.

Woohyun had a package waiting for him at the reception so as he signed out and went through the entire procedure, the other members went ahead without him. When he took it from the man behind the desk, Woohyun regretted not asking someone to stay behind with him. So he lugged it into the elevator and set it down on the ground. He knew he wouldn’t get around to it till, maybe, Friday so he was going to ignore it once he got home. As the elevator climbed up to his 7th floor, the elevator stopped at the 3rd.

It opened to reveal Eunji standing in the corridor with her big Winnie-the-pooh, dressed in a blue dress in her hands. She smiled at him and entered the elevator as Woohyun shifted closer to his package on the ground. She pressed the button to the 6th floor.

“Good interview today.” She said, not looking at him and Woohyun grunted. “Infinite will be very busy in 2016. I mean, more busy than usual. Wonder how that would be if you’re not even going to be busy together.”

Woohyun still did not reply but then he remembered his answer about his ideal type and how she must have heard it. He groaned inwardly. How could this be his reality? Today of all days.

The elevator doors opened and she moved to leave when he held the doors.

“I would have called your name, twice.” He blurted out.

“What?” She asked, looking back at him.

“When they asked about my ideal type.” He explained.

“Oh!” She said, nodding.

“It’s just-”

“You didn’t want to seem fixated.” She said, understanding him down to the bone. “Oppa, I’m an idol, too. I know how these things work.” She waved at him and turned around as a stupid smile broke on his face.

He did not even realize that he had dropped his hand and the elevator had started to move again until it opened on the 7th floor, breaking him out of his reverie.

She’s going to ruin my life, he thought, just like Naeun ruined Sunggyu’s.

And just like that, Woohyun felt all his priorities straighten out.

*****

That Saturday, while the rest of the members lazed, Sunggyu put on his gym, cloths and headed to the 4th floor where the building gym resided. Honestly, prior to this period of his life, he only ever went to the gym to burn in-between promotion fat and to curb his guilt at the other members’ ferocity. But recently, Sunggyu discovered a brand new way to deal.

He hated clichés, like it was no one’s business. He went out of his way to sit on most fences because he felt that paying partiality to a side was much too predictable for his taste. That was why he found that genteel balance between the adorably cute idol and the handsomely strong leader. Most times, when it came to his personal life or his views on certain things, Sunggyu rode that fence till kingdom come.

However, as he had come to know, clichés worked like fire.

Sunggyu woke the night after the incident with Jongwan, full of anger and seeking an outlet, before he felt his fist being smashed into the wall by his bed. It took a while for him to understand that his fingers were singing and bleeding and that his wall now had a new souvenir.

He trailed his blood down to his bathroom were he let the bleeding hand soak under warm water rushing from the faucet. He flexed his hand, feeling a sting in his bones that sent thrills up his hand and as much as it hurt, it hurt real nice. He spent the rest of the night sprinkling spirit on the hand as he sat in the bath and did not even know he was in there for almost an hour till his alarm went off. He had been awake and yet, not once did his mind wander to Jongwan or Naeun.

Wrapping the hand the next day, Sunggyu entered the gym prior to rehearsals and headed to the boxing bag… without proper glove or protection. He spent most of his free time there, receiving snide comments from Howon everyone once in a while and few encouraging ones from Dongwoo. Woohyun was just happy Sunggyu was taking his weight seriously while the maknae-line really didn’t care. He knew that once someone managed to take a good look at his knuckles, he would have some explaining to do.

But, there he was, at the gym, embracing the cliché of a man punching away his troubles.

After spending the entire Thursday night and Friday in the recording studio, Sunggyu could not shut off his brain once he got home. He tried to sleep, he really did, but every time he stared at that dent in his wall, he knew there was a much better option. So he put on some clothes and went to the Gym, immediately he knew they would be open.

He noticed a figure in the corner of his vision, lurking and Sunggyu looked up to find Taesan looking at him. He smiled when he noticed he was caught and made his way down to Sunggyu. Sunggyu grabbed the large punching bag, steadying it as he waiting.

“Good morning, hyung.” Taesan said.

“Sunbae.” Sunggyu said.

“Hyung?”

“Call me Sunbae. We are not close.” Sunggyu said and the boy blushed in shame, dropping his eyes to the ground.

“I’m sorry, sunbae.”

“What are you doing here?” Sunggyu asked.

“Woohyun-hyung invited me over. I was helping him with a package he just got.”

“So what are you doing here? In the gym.” Sunggyu asked again and the boy looked speechless.

“He asked me to come, check on you.” Sunggyu’s anger flared.

Woohyun was finally at the stage of meddling. Which meant his behavior must not have been convincing enough.

“I am fine.” Sunggyu said, turning back to his punching where he pressed his healed right hand into the bag with so much force, Taesan flinched.

“Tell… Woohyun… to leave me… alone!” He said as he punched.

“Okay.” He said.

“Go!” Sunggyu said, much louder than he wanted to and Taesan ran away, stumbling his way out of the gym.

He punched a few more times before his anger over-took him and he dug into his gym bag, looking for his phone.

“Woohyun.” He called when he answered after the third ring.

“Hyung!”

“Stop trying to match-make me with that hoobae. Unh.” He punched again.

“Chill, hyung. I was just-”

“LEAVE IT ALONE, WOOHYUN. I’LL BE FINE WHEN I’M READY!”

Sunggyu cut the call, tossing the phone on his gym bag, before he continued to punch at the bag again.

*****

Jongwan doubted, sometimes, that Haru was really Tablo’s baby. The six year old spent most of her days with her nose in a book and every time he came over, she’d find some obscure question to ask Jongwan that may or may not make him question his intelligence as a grown-up. As opposed to her father’s hyper-active ways, she was as calm, if not more so, than Jongwan.

As they sat in the sitting room that evening, waiting for her parents to finish cooking dinner, Jongwan tapped his feet on the ground till she looked up at him, eyebrows raised above her book in reprimand. Jongwan stopped tapping.

“It was one time.” Tablo said, carrying a dish into the dining room from the kitchen.

“It was a Japanese girl-idol.” Hyejung said, grouching from the kitchen.

“What would you have done if Bradley Cooper was in Seoul for one evening?”

“If it was my night-in with my husband, I would stay home.” She said.

“You would not.” Tablo said, scoffed. “It’s been a week: when are you going to let this go?”

“When you swear never to do it again.” She came out carrying a tray of smaller plates.

“In his defense-” Jongwan said.

“I’m still pissed at you, too, for taking my husband to a club.” Hyejung said to Jongwan.

“I didn’t. He dragged me out in the middle of the night.”

Hyejung dropped the tray on the table and looked at her husband who looked over her shoulder at Jongwan.

“Thanks a lot, man.” Tablo said.

“You said it was his idea.” Hyejung said.

“It was not.” Jongwan said and this time, Tablo did hiss.

“Seriously. Dude, chill.” Tablo said before turning to his wife. “Fine. I promise I won’t go clubbing on night-ins with my girls. Unless they are coming with me.” He pecked Hyejung on the lips and Haru giggled causing Jongwan to look at her in question.

“So that’s what turns you into a six year old.” He stated.

“You two! Food. Now.” Hyejung said and Haru stood up from her seat to pull Jongwan by the pinky to the dining table.

After dinner, Haru helped her mother pack the plates into the sink and when they were done, both girls disappeared into the study to do school work as Jongwan stood in the kitchen with Tablo. At least, he tried to stand, as much as his nervous feet would allow him.

“Dude, what’s with you? You’ve been tapping all night.” Tablo said, letting a plate clean off under the faucet.

“I want to…” he said. “I need to tell you something and I really need you not to judge me, okay?”

“Fine.” Tablo said slowly, his eyebrows rising in worry and for a second, he looked exactly like Haru. “What is it?”

“Okay. So, I just found out that Sunggyu is not gay.” He heard himself say.

Tablo laughed.

“I could’ve told you that.” He said, returning to his washing.

“No you didn’t.” Jongwan shrieked. “You said- you said that if I told him how I felt-”

“I was teasing you. I tease you with Sunggyu all the time…” Tablo stopped talking and looked at Jongwan again. “Jongwan-ah, what did you do?”

Jongwan’s tongue stuck to the top of his mouth, forcing him to be temporarily mute in the face of the one question he was scared to answer this entire week. The one question that kept him up at night, staring at his ceiling and wondering why he was such a mess-up.

“Did you tell him how you felt?” Tablo asked and Jongwan shook his head. “Then what is it?”

“I kissed him.” Jongwan said, testing the waters with his least outrageous sin.

“A kiss.” Tablo deadpanned.“That’s what the existential life crisis is about.” Jongwan did not want to lie but he really did not know how much more he could say before Tablo’s disappointed face showed up. “Unless you did more than kiss.”

Without thinking, Jongwan looked up at Tablo and in that second, he just knew that Tablo had figured it out: had figure him out.

“Please, Jongwan.” Tablo said evenly. “Please tell me you didn’t use your influence on that boy to have sex with him.”

He may as well have. Jongwan put his nail in his mouth and began chewing.

“It wasn’t like that.” Jongwan explained. “He was about to cry and I thought it would make him feel better.”

“You thought…” Cue Tablo’s disappointed face. “You took advantage of a vulnerable boy who looks- looked up to you.”

“HE STOPPED ME!” Jongwan heard himself shout and he prayed Hyejung wouldn’t come into the kitchen. “He stopped me, alright?”

“But not before you did… something.” Tablo said.

Jongwan was fidgeting again.

“He said no the first time but I just thought-”

“The first time? How many times did he say no before you listened?”

“I know this sounds bad.”

“You just took a person who you’re supposed to be responsible for and turned their belief system inside-out. I don’t think it only sounds bad, Jongwan.”

“You said you wouldn’t judge.”

“Well, someone has to.” Tablo said. “Maybe you don’t understand what you’ve done-”

“I do.”

“This is Sunggyu we are talking about. He shuts down every time his brain meets something he can’t process and then you go and do this? As if he wasn’t already bad enough.”

“I know. I screwed up.” Jongwan sat on the floor, raising his knees and placing his head in his hands. “And the worse part of it was, some part of me could feel that he didn’t want it. I knew. And yet, I just couldn’t stop.” Jongwan felt Tablo sit on the floor beside him. “I mean, he was right there. And the possibility that he would refuse me never occurred to me and I just wanted…”

The two of them sat in silence for a while, Tablo tapping Jongwan’s back like he was a sick child and it was awkward because Tablo didn’t do mushy for an extended period of time before he had to go back to perpetual party mode.

“Have you spoken to him since then?” Tablo asked.

“He won’t even look at me. He could stay in the same room as me for recordings. He’d even take my suggestions and coaching when he’s in the booth but once recording is over, he’s gone so fast I get dizzy.”

“You should try and talk to him.”

“He won’t speak to me. Not if we’re alone.” Jongwan looked at him.

“No!” Tablo said, standing up. “Find someone else.”

“He respects you. Almost as much as he did me.”

“Great idea. Why don’t we over-load the poor boy with two hyung-figures he can’t say no to and see if he doesn’t act like a cornered animal?”

“Tablo, please.” Jongwan said. “Please. I have to talk to him. Just think of all the crazy, uncomfortable shit I have to endure for you.”

“Low blow.”

“Not low enough.” Jongwan said from his place on the floor.

“I do this, and we are even forever.” Tablo said and Jongwan nodded. “No matter what I make you do in the future, we are even.”

“I promise.”

*****

The next morning, Woohyun woke up to shouting, as usual. He lay on his back, as usual. And then screamed into the pillow that he placed over his face, as usual. He was going to murder his roommate, he really was. As soon as he figured out a way to convince CEO-nim that they really did not need Hoya, Howon would be dispensable.

So he lay there, in that horrible limbo between sleep and awareness, hating his existence till his room door opened and in walked a very sleepy Sunggyu. Wide-eyed, Woohyun rose from the bed in time to watch the leader tumble into his bed face first. Slowly, Woohyun lay back down, looking side-ways at his friend.

“Hyung-”

“I’m still not talking to you.” Sunggyu said, voice muffled by a pillow.

“Okay.” Woohyun said meekly.

For weeks, Sunggyu had minimized their interactions to Infinite-based activities and barely spoke to him in dorm. It was not that Sunggyu was pissed at him or any of them, because he still laughed at their jokes and pretended like he did not see when Sungyeol devised evil or Howon made a snide comment. Somewhere underneath all that angst and anger, Woohyun knew his hyung was still there. However, it had been too long since Sunggyu visited him like this. It had been too long since he was even in Sunggyu’s apartment.

Howon shouted as Eunji and Sungjong cackled so loud that it carried through two doors to Woohyun’s room.

“What the hell?” Sunggyu asked, turning around to lie on his back. “Why are there chickens in your house at 7am?”

“Because Sungjong is a jealous, suspicious nag who doesn’t want to leave Eunji alone in a room with his precious Howon.” Woohyun said, rubbing his hand over his eyes. “Seriously, they do this every morning.”

“Every morning?” Sunggyu asked, looking at Woohyun. “You’re telling me Eunji comes to your apartment, first thing every morning?”

“Almost all the time.”

“Maybe she’s coming to see you.” Sunggyu pinched Woohyun’s cheeks and Woohyun blushed so hard.

“No, she’s not.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

Woohyun was going to keep telling himself that. He had to. He had to find a way to tell his stupid brain that girl-idol? Bad!

“You and Eunji are not Naeun and I, you know?” Sunggyu asked and Woohyun could not help looking at Sunggyu. “You won’t go through the same mess.”

“How will I know if you won’t even tell me what the actual issue was?” Woohyun asked edging towards Sunggyu as more noise from the next room sounded.

“Woohyun-”

“I mean, I know what everyone knows… what everyone saw in the building the day that she screamed at you in the lobby and broke up with you… the things she said.”

“It’s not-”

“Just talk to me. I said I wouldn’t scold you but you have to talk to me. About anything that’s been disturbing you. I can’t fix your Naeun problem but I can help with other stuff.” Woohyun offered.

“Jongwan-hyung and I fought.”

Certainly, Woohyun hadn’t heard right.

“What?”

“I don’t know if it was a fight but we’re not talking to each other.”

What? Why? HOW? That was impossible. He didn’t say Jongwan was mad at him or ignoring him, Sunggyu had said “fought” like they were on even ground. Like Jongwan had done something to bring himself down so low to the trench that Sunggyu believed he resided in.

“What happened?” Woohyun said, dipping his hand to where Sunggyu’s lay and bring it up to his chest. “Why did you two…” Woohyun felt hard, drying bruises on Sunggyu’s otherwise soft hand and looked down at it. “What’s this?”

Sunggyu looked at him, then the hand and then slipped it out of Woohyun’s reach.

“Have you been boxing without gloves? Or at least wraps?” Woohyun asked knowing the answer. “You know you bruise easily.”

“Maybe it’s about time I toughen up, eh?” Sunggyu asked weakly, looking at Woohyun.

“Why? Why would you want to toughen up?”

“Because everyone thinks I’m so fragile.”

“No they-”

“Even you.” Sunggyu accused. “That’s why you sent me that twink.”

“I’m surprised you know the term.”

“You didn’t deny it.” Sunggyu said.

“Come on, hyung. We both know you work better when you have something to prove or someone to mentor or guide or someone looking up to you. You thrive on that exemplary thing.” Woohyun said. “And I know the members don’t do it for you anymore. It’s like their respect for you has lost its luster.”

“It hasn’t.”

“Don’t even lie, hyung. If it hadn’t, you would have snapped out of it the first time you noticed that they were looking at you with worry and not admiration. But you never seemed to care. It just rolled of your back.”

“So you went out and got me a new toy?” Sunggyu asked and Woohyun nodded.

“Yes.” Woohyun took Sunggyu’s hand again, caressing the bruised knuckles and this time, Sunggyu didn’t flinch away. He just lay there, looking like he was about to fall asleep on Woohyun’s bed.

Then the shouting began again.

“Oh, for crying out loud.”

Sunggyu was up off the bed and out the door before Woohyun could say anything.

“Sungjong, your apartment. NOW!” Woohyun heard Sunggyu shout. “You can’t be in this apartment before 10am on days that we have no schedules. Eunji, you too. Come on! Move it!”

“Oppa!” Eunji said at the same time Howon said, “Hyung!”

“Don’t Oppa-hyung me, you two, now separate.” There was a lot of shifting around and grumbling till finally, the front door opened and closed and Woohyun sighed in relief. Sunggyu came back into the room.

“Is leader back, full time?” Woohyun asked.

“Why: because you got me one present? Woohyun, I have a whole series of hurt just waiting to heal.” He retook his place on Woohyun’s bed.

“Eh, but at least, we are getting there, right?”

Sunggyu nodded. “We are getting there.”


	3. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m over you.”  
> “No shit.” Sunggyu deadpanned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -this is the most plotful and angsty part of the story so please, hang on. Fun times ahead  
> -I stole Howon's punishment from Aquariuslover's "Sweet Deception" so for those of you who've read it... It is not exactly the same thing but i got the idea from there so go read it on lj and see. It's depressingly lovely  
> -i just decided i want to make this a series so i will be introducing the plot for the sequel in here

Sunggyu was struggling to fry eggs that morning because Woohyun was an ungrateful shit who refused to wake up and cook his hyung breakfast. He had burnt two rounds of egg and the hem, of his shirt had scorched with hot oil that stuck to his skin, causing an annoying blister. He stared at the eggs with venom in his eyes, hoping that they would feel his anger and behave. Somehow, he doubted they would.

Sunggyu was not speaking to Woohyun ever again.

His doorbells rang and he headed to the monitor where he withdrew with a hiss after noting Jongwan standing beside Tablo at his door. He knew it was only a matter of time before Jongwan went crying to his hyung and then they both showed up here. Yet, naively, Sunggyu had thought Jongwan would grow those balls when he was already on tour with PT (the APink/Infinite group had finally been given a name whose meaning was still on the hush-hush to create some sort of attention at people who were vying for prices in the event that they did get it right).

His phone started to ring and Sunggyu resigned, sighing heavily as he opened his door.

“Sunggyu-yah!” Tablo said brightly as Jongwan tried to hide behind him.

“Hyung.” He stepped aside to allow them in. “Please come in.” He said with a plastered smile that caused Jongwan to flinch.

Tablo entered with ease, hanging up his jacket as Jongwan mumbled something on his way past Sunggyu that Sunggyu was not inclined to ask him to repeat.

“Is something burning?” Tablo asked.

“Shit!” Sunggyu said, running to the kitchen to meet the treacherous frying pan, decking his eggs black. He gave up, poured the egg out and tossed the pan in the sink. Tablo entered the kitchen.

“What were you cooking?”

“Apparently nothing.”

Tablo leaned on the counter and stared at Sunggyu.

“I know he told you so just spit it out, hyung.” Sunggyu said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You seem…” Tablo began but stopped, causing Sunggyu to look at him.

“What, hyung? I seem what?”

“Well-adjusted.” Tablo said and Sunggyu laughed. “I don’t know. I expected you to be…”

He trailed off again and Sunggyu was annoyed now.

“To be what? Wallowing?” Sunggyu asked.

“Well, I didn’t expect you to be frying an egg, that’s for sure.”

“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.” He said, leaning opposite Tablo as Jongwan entered the kitchen.

“I’m very sorry, Sunggyu.” He said, looking straight at him. “I didn’t mean…” He paused. “I’m very sorry.”

So what was he supposed to do now? Sunggyu knew about these situations. He knew what he had gone through. He knew what he was supposed to be feeling but he was not sure if he was feeling that way. If anything, watching Jongwan, he really did not feel angry or hurt or sad or betrayed… not anymore. He knew that underneath it all, he resented Jongwan just a bit for assuming that he was gay but what irked him the most was that Jongwan had refused to stop. He knew he should be very angry. He had every right to be. In fact, he was sure that if he waited another twelve hours, his wave of anger for the day would turn up.

But in that moment, Sunggyu did not feel mad.

Jongwan misinterpreted his silence and quickly launched into a sort of garbled ramble that only served to dig his grave deeper.

“It was my fault. I assumed you were gay. I thought you wanted me too. And who could blame me with the way you always acted. I mean, I may have misinterpreted the reverent looks and the shy touches for something it was not but you can’t only blame me.” He pointed at Tablo. “I’ve had years and years of him in my ear. Telling me how much you want me and I was bound to snap sometime-”

Sunggyu looked up at Tablo at the same moment that Tablo raised from his lean on the counter in defense.

“Hey!” Tablo said, waving his hand in front of Jongwan. “Okay, you need to calm down.”

Jongwan stopped, holding the doorframe and breathing heavily like he had just run a marathon. Everything tensed in the room as Sunggyu continued to look at Tablo in confusion, waiting for him to explain. Had he really done all that? Had he acted like banging his mentor was a thing on his mind? Because it most certainly was not, he would like to assure anyone.

“I was just teasing him.” Tablo said.

“With me?” Sunggyu asked. His behavior must have contributed to the teasing if Jongwan had decided to do something about it. Sunggyu felt sick. He walked over to the sink and turned on the tap.

“I’m sorry. I so sorry if I have caused you any trauma.” Jongwan said sounding frantic. “Oh my God! Sunggyu, I’m sorry I tried to rape you.”

“What???!!!” Woohyun’s voice sounded as all three occupants in the kitchen turned around to see him carrying a flask of food.

 _That’s right!_ Sunggyu had finally caved and given Woohyun his password. Bollocks!

*********

Woohyun could not have heard right. He was so ready to not believe it. Except he had just heard it straight from one of the horses’ mouth. So that was what they fought over? Though, now he thought about it, calling attempted rape a fight was a bit understating it.

Jongwan flushed unprettily before him, shifting into the kitchen and away from Woohyun as if he would hit him. Which was a likely possibility as Woohyun was sure he looked murderous at the moment. So that was why his hyung was punching himself silly and doing all sorts of reckless things? Did Jongwan not know about the issues with Naeun that he had to go and pile on? And why were they even here? Did he bring Tablo as back-up to finish the job?

Woohyun ignored both of them and walked into the kitchen, dropping the food on the counter beside Sunggyu.

“I thought you might be hungry.” He snapped, turning around to face the two older guys. “Don’t let me stop you!” He said, looking at Jongwan.

“Woohyun.” Tablo said, shaking his head slightly. On a normal day, Woohyun may have been cowed but this was not a normal day. Not when Sunggyu looked pale and unsure of how to react to anything.

“Why did you bring him?” Woohyun hissed, forgetting for a moment that he was maknae.

“He wanted to apologize.”

“Then do it over the phone!”

“That would disrespectful.”

“It would be less traumatic!”

“I’m not traumatized.” Sunggyu hissed at Woohyun and he recoiled, a little wounded. Couldn’t Sunggyu see that he was on his side? “I’m fine, Woohyun.”

“You keep saying that!” Woohyun and Tablo said in unison. They looked at each other and for a second, Woohyun hated him less.

“You’re not fine.” Woohyun said. “You need to talk to someone.”

Jongwan sighed in the corner where he was before he turned around and left the kitchen. Seconds later, the door to the house slammed shut.

“He’s really sorry.” Tablo said, following Jongwan out.

“Tablo-hyung!” Sunggyu called, going into the sitting room as Tablo looked at him. “I’m not mad.” Sunggyu said. “Tell him… tell him I’m not mad.”

Tablo nodded and left as well.

“You’re not mad?” Woohyun paraphrased as he went behind Sunggyu.

“Yes.”

“He tried to-”

“He’s gone now. You can stop trying to defend my honor.” Sunggyu said, sitting on his sofa.

“I don’t understand how you can treat this so…” Woohyun didn’t know how to proceed.

“So what? It happened. It’s done with. I’m over it.”

“Over what!” Woohyun almost shouted. “He tried to-”

“He tried to have sex with me but that didn’t happen, Woohyun.” Sunggyu said, looking him straight in the eye and Woohyun knew Sunggyu was trying to convince him that he wasn’t lying. “I mean, there were those five seconds when I may have considered going through with it because… because it’s Jongwan-hyung. But it didn’t happen. I never even…” Sunggyu exhaled. “It didn’t happen. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact you don’t have to worry about me having sex at all. It kind of repulses me, these days.”

Woohyun was about to press for an explanation when the doorbell rang.

*********

Sungjong entered the apartment with his nose covered by blood-stained towels. Dongwoo helped him move while Sungyeol and Myungsoo walked in behind them, looking confused. The last to come in was a seething Howon who was holding Sungjong’s jacket that seemed to have blood on it, as well.

“What the hell happened?” Woohyun asked the other five members who filed into the sitting room.

“Sungjong?” Sunggyu asked as Howon tossed the jacket in Sungjong’s face. “What’s going on?”

“Sungjong punched Seungri-hyung.” Howon said, angrily.

“What?” Sunggyu, Woohyun, Sungyeol and Myungsoo asked in unison.

 _Why?_ Sunggyu thought.

“Why?” Sunggyu asked. “Sungjong are you crazy?”

“Howon-hyung, would you care to tell him why?” Sungjong asked, equally pissed.

“Because I was on a date with him.” Howon said, slapping the wall beside him. “Do you know what you have done, Sungjong?”

“Is that the whole truth, Howon-hyung?” Sungjong asked, standing up as Dongwoo pressed him back down to the seat. “Should we tell everyone the truth from the beginning?”

“Yah! Lee Sungjong!” Howon shouted.

“Howon-hyung and I had sex.” Everyone went silent as Sungjong looked at him challengingly. “When we were overseas. Then he went on to pretend like nothing ever happened. I was going to keep it inside but then, he decided to start dating that-”

“So you went over there and punched Big Bang?” Sunggyu asked, quietly. Sungjong’s lips sealed immediately, finally recognizing that he might be in trouble. “Two things.” Sunggyu raised his fingers. “One: Seungri is sunbae. Not some riff-raff group time forgot but Big Bang. Do you understand what that means?”

“Hyung-”

“Two: he is your hyung. What? Three-four years?”

“He has been trying to sleep with Howon-hyung for years now.” Sungjong shrieked.

“THEN PUNCH HOWON.” Sunggyu shouted, standing to his feet and pointing at Howon. “He’s the one who broke your heart. He’s Infinite: we can deal in-house. Don’t walk over to Big Bang’s apartment and punch their maknae. If Jiyong calls me… If YG calls Woollim, I swear to God, I will throw you under the bus.”

And Sunggyu meant it. _Gaaahhh!_

“He deserved it hyung.” Sungjong said stubbornly shaking his head.

“Sungjong-ah.” Sungyeol said. “Recognize that you’ve fucked up and shut up.”

“This is why Sunggyu-hyung said no feelings for band-mates.” Woohyun said and Sungjong’s head snapped up quickly.

“Really?” Sungjong asked with venom. He got up, tossing aside the napkin that was on his nose to reveal the beginning of a serious bruise. “You guys are going to sit there and preach to me about having feelings for your teammates.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Howon asked.

“It means that there is a reason the OTPs in this group have sold so much.”

“Lee Sungjong-” Sungyeol started to say.

“Yeolie-hyung, we’ve all seen the woodies you’ve popped every time Myungsoo-hyung rubs himself all over you.” Sungyeol recoiled. “And Howon-hyung, the things present in your diary, I’m sure Dongwoo-hyung would like to see.”

“Watch your mouth, Sungjong.” Woohyun spat.

“Really hyung?” Sungjong asked before his eyes rested on Sunggyu. Woohyun turned beet red.

“Why are you looking at me?” Sunggyu asked.

“YOU CAN’T CONTROL FEELINGS!” Sungjong screamed. “Yes, I was wrong to punch Seungri-hyung, even though he is a leering pervert-”

“Sungjong-”

“You have no idea what it’s felt like.” Sungjong is crying now as blood starts to drop from his nose again and he looks really pathetic. “I’ve had to watch him flirt with anything that moves while he continues to pretend that nothing’s changed between us.”

“Sungjong-ah-” Howon said softly as Sungjong continiued.

“You’ve hurt me. You have no idea.” He sniffs and wipes his tears as more fall. “And every time you treat me like nothing, I just want to die. And you go out and…” Sungjong stopped talking as he sounded like he was choking. Before anyone could move, he turned round and sprinted from the room, leaving his hyungs behind.

“I better go find him.” Dongwoo said, picking his jacket and leaving as well. Myungsoo and Sungyeol sat awkwardly, in a corner, looking between the door and Sunggyu who was rubbing his fore-head.

“You can go.” Sunggyu said, reading their discomfort. The two of them left but Howon and Woohyun remained.

“I am sorry.” Howon said, stiffly. “It was my fault-”

“Yes, it was.” Sunggyu exhaled, sitting down tiredly. “You can go, Howon. When Sungjong calms down, call me. We need to head over to Seungri’s apartment and apologize.”

Howon left, back hunched over.

“I don’t remember us having this much drama. Is it 2016?” Sunggyu asked, looking at Woohyun. Woohyun hesitated, avoiding Sunggyu’s gaze. “Really? You’re going to be uncomfortable, now?”

“I’m over you.”

“No shit.” Sunggyu deadpanned.

“I just wanted to put that out there. It was a long time ago and I got over it.”

“Then stop talking about it.” Sunggyu suggested and Woohyun relaxed back in his seat. “I need to call Jiyong. We are in so much trouble.”

“Let Sungjong face the music. Teach his ass to sucker his sunbae.” Woohyun said, folding his arm over his chest.

“Did they give you this much trouble when I was…” He twirled his finger beside his temple.

“Myungsoo and Sungyeol got caught on camera with alcohol. That was fun.” Woohyun held out a finger. “Howon had a scandal with a Mexican model that he swears he was only talking to. Oh and Dongwoo actually fell asleep during an interview. I mean real sleep. He slipped off his stool and everything.”

Sunggyu felt horrified.

“Where was I when all this was happening?”

“Sitting right beside Dongwoo.” Woohyun said.

“No. Seriously.” Woohyun raised an eyebrow at him and Sunggyu cringed.

He must have been really out if he hadn’t known all this. What else had he let slip? How bad had he become? No wonder the CEO thought he shouldn’t debut with APink. He couldn’t trust Sunggyu anymore. He felt dread spread throughout his entire being. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this crap, now?

“I’ll call Seunghyun-hyung instead. Jiyong never liked me much.”

Sunggyu left to find his phone.

*********

Woohyun just finished adding Sungjong to his list of people his life could do without when Sunggyu came back into the sitting room.

“Apparently, Youngbae-hyung already called him. He said he’d get back to me.”

“Are we going to get back to what we were talking about? Before all this?”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Your mentor tried to sex you and you said no. If it were me, I’d be freaking out.”

“Well, I’m not.” Sunggyu shouted. “Not anymore.”

“It’s been two weeks. Don’t make it sound like it happened eons ago, hyung.”

“What do you want me to do? Cry? Shout? Get angry? I’ve done all those things and I’m me again.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.” Sunggyu said. “That’s why I can talk about it?”

“So that means you can talk about Naeun, too?”

Sunggyu’s bottom lip quivered as he stared at Woohyun in anger. Woohyun knew that Sunggyu was berating himself for walking right into that one.

“Even if I am over the issue, I can’t tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a secret. And it’s not mine.”

“Tell me anyway. We’re supposed to be able to tell each other anything.”

“What? Like how you told me you were in love with me?”

Woohyun had to remind himself that Sunggyu had brushed this away just a second ago or he was going to be immensely hurt by it.

“You didn’t care about that before.” Woohyun pointed out.

“But it’s uncomfortable for you to talk about. Just like this is, for me.”

“But you said you’re over it.”

Sunggyu shouted/grunted/groaned, pulling at his hair.

“Would you leave it be?”

“No!” Woohyun said, getting up and daring to stand close to Sunggyu. “We are going to sort this out before it blows up in our face like Sungjong.”

“I’m not Sungjong. You can trust me to hold my shit together.”

“Can I? Two whole months of you walking about like a zombie says otherwise.”

Sunggyu stepped back, away from him as if Woohyun had punched him, looking hurt and he may… may have felt a twinge of guilt. Everyone knew that as much as Naeun was a sore spot for Sunggyu, his behavior and how he handled it was an even sorer one.

“Just talk to me.” Woohyun pleaded. “You need to talk to someone and I’m right here.”

Sunggyu turned away from Woohyun with his hands over his face and his shoulders, tense. He couldn’t read him and that had become a very pesky, recent problem that Woohyun would very much like to get rid of.

“You can’t blame me, alright?” Sunggyu said and Woohyun almost breathed a sigh of relief. “I didn’t know before we started dating.” Sunggyu turned back around to face him, his face taut and uncomfortable.

“What is it?”

“Naeun has a condition.” He bit his upper lip. “It’s called Dyspareunia.”

“What’s that?” Sunggyu tugged at the hem of his shirt as he walked over to the sofa and sat.

“You know how, in manwahs, they talk about asexual characters?”

“Yes.” Woohyun answered as he tilted his head. “Is that what she is?”

“No, but I’m trying to get you ready.” Sunggyu said. “So apparently, it’s not as romantic as they make it sound. She hurts.” Sunggyu looked at him. “Every single time we have sex. I used to hurt her.”

Tears fell from Sunggyu’s eyes as the words sank into Woohyun’s head.

“What do you mean, it hurt her? How can sex hurt? It’s sex.”

“Well, gaaaah!” Sunggyu shivered. “She couldn’t-can’t self lubricate.” He looked at Woohyun, pointedly. “Please tell me I don’t have to interpret what that means to you.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

Woohyun’s eyes nearly popped from their socket.

“How did you not know? Didn’t you… I don’t know… feel it… dry?” Woohyun asked.

“She used to take these pills.” Sunggyu laughed dryly. “Every time we got in the mood-well every time I got in the mood, she’d take these pills. I asked about them and she said they were birth control.” Sunggyu covered his mouth with both hands, looking up at Woohyun as if he expected him to judge.

Woohyun couldn’t judge Sunggyu even if he tried. And he had tried a lot.

“I can’t even imagine what she’s been doing for the past three years, Woohyun. I mean, the pills could get her… wet, but they didn’t take away the pain.” Sunggyu sobbed. “She thought that sex was the most important thing to me. Which: can’t really blame her seeing as we started out as friends with benefit, but three years?” Sunggyu was on his feet with his hands clasped over his head. “Eh? What does that make me? I’ve been sleeping with a girl who not only doesn’t care for sex but gets hurt by it.”

“You didn’t know.”

“She was just a kid with a crush. You know I didn’t even notice her until we played truth or dare and they teased her about me. That’s how this all got started.” Sunggyu said. “I just saw a girl who would do anything for me… oh my God! I’m Jongwan-hyung.”

Woohyun took Sunggyu by the shoulders and turned him so that they were face-to-face.

“You did not know!” He said to Sunggyu.

Sunggyu shrugged his hands off.

“That doesn’t change anything.” Sunggyu began to pace, breathing in and out very deeply. “During the tour,” Sunggyu wiped his eyes. “We were video-chatting about nothing, really. And I told her we had a month left to return and that she should start preparing and she started naming all the things she was going to do before I got there. And then she mentioned stocking up on Genga… geganol? I don’t remember.” Sunggyu laughed hysterically. “What’s funny is that I wouldn’t have even picked up on it if she didn’t pause like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. When I asked about it, she was shifty and dodgy so after the call, I googled it.” Sunggyu was crying again. “And that’s how I found out that she had to take lubrication pills every time we had sex just so I wouldn’t…”

He breathed in and out again to calm down.

“I called her back with my new found information. Somehow, we started fighting about it and then I told her I couldn’t do it if it was hurting her and somehow, she took that to believe I was breaking up with her because she couldn’t have sex. So she cut the call and refused to answer me. When we got back, I tried to talk to her in the lobby and explain and yet, she wouldn’t let me. The moment she saw me, she went crazy saying all those horrible things to me.” Sunggyu sniffed. “Well, you know the rest. Everybody in this freaking building knows the rest.”

“You didn’t know.” Woohyun heard himself say without even meaning to.

“Will you stop saying that?”

“It’s true. Would you have been with her if you knew?” Woohyun asked. Sunggyu shook his head. “See? She should have told you.”

He walked over and hugged Sunggyu as tight as he could, hoping he wasn’t stepping over the bounds given the amount of new information they had just shared with each other. But he knew he had to, at least, attempt to comfort Sunggyu. It’s what Sunggyu would have done for him.

*********

Sunggyu let Woohyun sleep in his apartment that night, squeezed up together in his large bed, under the covers. More than once, he woke up angry and when he tried to get up, Woohyun would just squeeze harder till he relented. It still didn’t change the fact that when Sunggyu did get up, the first thing he did was plant his fist in the nearest wall again, pissed for no new reason. Woohyun woke up and _he_ got so angry, he called CEO and reported Sunggyu immediately. He said Sunggyu was hurting himself and that his fingers were broken. So, Sunggyu spent the morning at the clinic, getting his knuckles fixed because, this time, he dislocate two fingers.

Woohyun refused to talk to him, stating that he couldn’t use his sad issues to guilt-trip his way out.

When Woohyun left, he told Sunggyu to think about his life. He was not just one many anymore: many people’s fate was tied to his behavior and choices. While Sunggyu was contemplating his choices, his phone rang.

“Hello?” Sunggyu said into the phone.

“Sunggyu-shi?” Jiyong’s voice sounded and Sunggyu became alert.

“Sunbae.” He said, realizing in the last minute that the only Big Bang member he called hyung was Seunghyun.

“Are you home?” Jiyong asked.

“Yes, sunbae.”

“Come to Seungri’s apartment.”

“Yes, sunbae.”

Sunggyu cut the call, berating himself for forgetting to go and apologize the night before. Now it was going to escalate to something else. He was mellowed by the fact that Jiyong hadn’t sounded angry. But he could not put much stock in that because he did not know him very well. They both never liked each other much, Sunggyu deferring to associate with Seunghyun rather than the wild-eyed, brooding G-dragon.

On his way, he picked up Sungjong, who was –no surprise- in Howon’s apartment.

From the way Howon ignored Sungjong’s existence by fetching himself some water in the kitchen, Sunggyu assumed that even though Sungjong was present, Howon had not yet forgiven him. Sunggyu could not remember the last time he had seen Sungjong wear such a kicked-puppy expression.

“Let’s go.” Sunggyu said. “Time to apologize.”

Howon stopped at his room door and came back to the sitting room.

“You’re going to see Seungri-hyung? I thought I was coming.”

“I don’t know-" Sunggyu was not sure Howon would be necessary.

“I’ll just wear a shirt. Gimme a minute.”

Ten minutes later, Sunggyu, Sungjong and Howon were seated in Youngbae’s and Seungri’s apartment except, Youngbae wasn’t home. Jiyong and Seungri sat on the other side of the room. Somehow, Sunggyu had hoped Seunghyun would be there but he did not show up. That did not bode well for them.

“You didn’t apologize.” Jiyong said, not looking at Sungjong the offender but at Sunggyu.

“Sunbae-”

“We’re way passed that now.” Jiyong said, waving his hand. “I won’t even threaten you with YG because we both know no one in this room wants to reveal the full story about the altercation.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t cause trouble for us, sunbae.” Sunggyu said.

“Hmm.” Jiyong said, smiling at Sunggyu. “You don’t have to flatter me.”

“He’s sorry. They are both sorry.” Sunggyu said.

“He doesn’t look sorry.” Jiyong said, nodding at Sungjong and truly, Sunggyu could not believe that Sungjong was, in fact, glaring at Seungri. Sunggyu killed Sungjong a million times in his head.

“He’s just a kid.” Sunggyu said.

“How old are you, Hoya?” Jiyong asked and Sunggyu nearly cringed.

“25.” Howon mumbled.

“And you, maknae?” Jiyong sneered.

“23.”

“Grown men. Both of them, able to vote, drink, drive and have sex in any country they want.”

“What do you want?” Sunggyu asked.

“Watch yourself.”

“There must be a reason you called us here.”

“Actually, I called you here. You didn’t need to bring reinforcements.”

 _Reinfor_ … Sunggyu would have punched him and caused twice as much trouble if his fingers were not out of commission and aching like a bitch. So instead, he took a deep breath and looked up.

“What do you want, _Sunbae_?” Sunggyu said. “Name it and we would do it.”

Jiyong looked at Seungri and he nodded. Sunggyu’s stomach sank because that did not look like good news.

“Him.” Jiyong pointed at Howon.

“Excuse me?” Sunggyu asked.

“Seungri wants a complete date with him. Full night. The date Sungjong interrupted.”

Sungjong shrieked beside Sunggyu, turning to look at him pleadingly.

“You want a date with Howon?” Sunggyu asked, about to look at Howon but Jiyong snapped his fingers in front of Sunggyu, getting back his attention.

“Look at me.” Jiyong commanded, all false niceness gone. “Don’t look at him. You give us what we want. Promise Seungri now that he gets what he wants.”

“Let me ask my member.”

“No. That’s why we asked you to come here alone. This was supposed to be between me and you. You answer for him right now.”

“Seungri, wouldn’t you want to go on a date with someone who wants to go on a date with you?” Sunggyu asked, looking at Seungri who was, at least, wise enough to blush.

“Seeing as Howon has rebuffed his advances for quite some time,” Jiyong said. “I’m going to go ahead and assume that if it was up to Howon, the answer would be no. So, you –his leader- gets to answer. Take our deal or leave.”

“Fine!” Sunggyu said and Sungjong inhaled loudly. Sunggyu did not miss the tiny look of triumph that passed Seungri’s face at Sungjong’s reaction. “You get your date.”

“Not just a date.”

“What?”

“I told you. The full night. Anything Seungri wishes to do with him.” Jiyong had on the most evil expression in the world.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Don’t be fooled by my smile. It’s my transaction-face.”

“Sunbae, there might be some consent issues here.” Sunggyu said.

“You can always say no…”

Somehow, Sunggyu didn’t hear the rest as his mind blanked out for a bit, conjuring up images of a sad Naeun beneath him, writhing in pain with the word “No” at the tip of her tongue but unable to say it for whatever reason. Feeling powerless and ignored. Just like he had been for the first five minutes of his encounter with Jongwan. Where did the ability to resist go, these days? What were they all becoming that this was a conversation he was now a part?

“I’ll do it.” He heard Howon say and Sunggyu whipped around to look at him. “I’ll do it.”

“Howon-”

“Hyung, I got us into this mess.” Howon said and Jiyong leaned back in his seat smiling. Sunggyu looked at Seungri to find that he was not looking at Howon who had just accepted his off but at Sungjong, who was now looking like he wanted to murder someone.

“I guess we have a deal.” Jiyong said, raising his hand to be shook.

Sunggyu looked at it, looked at Jiyong and then got up and left the apartment.

*********

Sunggyu sat in the bar at the apartment building, staring at a glass full of God knows-what. He didn’t drink it. He just looked at it, examining the many promises that such an escape was willing to offer for a really short period of time. A very short period of time, but escape, nonetheless. If he just downed the cup, closing his eyes for a second as the bartender refilled, everything would be jolly for the rest of the day.

But he had schedules the next day.

By the time he woke up from his awake-sleep, the afternoon had turned into evening and he was still nursing the same cup. Frustrated, he paid and left. He was going to see if Woohyun was still mad at him, but somehow, he ended up on his floor, realizing he could do without the company.

As he came into view of his apartment, he saw a girl standing at his door, holding a bag of Chinese food. She turned around and he stopped moving.

“I noticed you changed your password.” Naeun said.

*********

Naeun stood there, awkwardly, shifting from one leg to another and waiting for Sunggyu to do something… walk to her… shout… talk… anything, really. At this point, she was not going to be choosey.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. He did not sound mean or angry. He sounded like he actually wanted to know.

“I got Chinese.” She said trying to raise the bag up as he walked passed her and put in his password, standing between her and the keypad.

He was clearly indicating that he was not going to tell her the password even if she asked. She couldn’t blame him. His password signified more than most people understood. It took her two months to finally get it and even then, he still made it clear that she did not just barge in anytime she wanted.

She followed him, as he held the door open for her before collecting the bags in her hand.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I wanted to talk.”

“Okay.” He dropped the bags on the table in the sitting room as they sat around it and he began offloading the plates of food.

She did not know where to start. She had an entire speech she had been working on for a month but at the moment, her head went blank. So she put her hand in her jacket and removed the card in it, dropping it on the table between them.

“Dr. Kang Teahyung?” He read out.

“She’s a brilliant psychologist.” Sunggyu laughed, tossing the card back on the table as he continued to set the table. “She helped me when… when I first started having sex.” She muscled through the sentence.

“I know my members have been telling your members all kinds of stories, but I assure you, we do not have the same problem.”

“I know. But you’ve been moody.” She said.

“I’ve always been moody.”

“More than usual, oppa.” Naeun said. “And your members won’t even talk to me.”

“Even Dongwoo?” He asked.

“Even Dongwoo-oppa.”

They settled unto the ground, picking up spoons and chopsticks. They ate I silence for a while before Sunggyu dropped his chopsticks and looked at her.

“Why did you do it?” he asked.

“Do what?”

“Why did you let me use you like that?” Sunggyu averted his eyes.

“You didn’t-”

He held up his hand to silence her and she fell quiet.

“You never wanted sex before me, Naeun.”

“You changed my mind.”

“Bullshit!”

She sat there, not knowing where to look. Originally, the plan had been to talk him up before she dropped the card and left but now, she had dropped the card before anything else. Maybe she could just get up and leave.

“You’re not leaving till you answer me.” Sunggyu said.

“I was in love with you, oppa. I would’ve let you do anything.”

From the look of horror on his face, Naeun could tell her answer had probably worsened his thoughts on the matter.

“You didn’t rape me, oppa. If that’s what you’re worried about.” Naeun said.

“It hurt you every time we… every time we were together.”

“You can call it sex. That’s what it was.”

“No, it wasn’t.” He stood up. “Why would you let me do that to you?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said it was because I loved you.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“It should.”

“Naeun-”

“Oppa, loving someone is giving the person the tools to hurt you and hoping they won’t do it. At least, not intentionally. It just so happened that in our case, it was pretty literal but it was still love all the same.”

“I would have loved you without sex.”

“Would you?”

Naeun remembered the first time Infinite had tried to be close to APink. How Sunggyu had approached her and the moment she tried to behave or put on some semblance of lady behavior, she had been friend-zoned so fast it hurt. She supposed that that was the difference between friendship and a relationship. The sex.

“Maybe not at first.”

“Not at all, oppa.” Naeun said. “And I’m not judging you.”

“You should be.” She stood up to meet him at this moment.

“I hated you.” She said. “You have no idea. I was so scared that you would leave me because of the sex. But I was also so much more afraid that you would stay and try to convince me to continue. I wasn’t sure which was worse.”

“I wasn’t going to do either of those things.” Sunggyu shrieked.

“And that was what freaked me out. We met and you were looking at me like I was broken. Like I was not… able. That was even worse than the other two.” Naeun took his hands in hers and he looked so lost. “But none of it was your fault, oppa. None of it. I made the choice to lie. I chose to be with you regardless. If anything, you can say I manipulated you. Offered up sex just to be with you because I knew that was the one thing you wanted.” He opened his mouth to protest but she said. “At first.”

She leaned in and he did the same, their heads bumping and touching as they stood in his apartment and for a second, she could pretend it was all exactly the same as before. But it wasn’t. So she let go of his hands and stepped away, picking up her phone from the table and her purse as she headed out.

“What about you?” Sunggyu asked. “What about us?”

“I hate the way you look at me.” Naeun said as she stopped. “I really hate it. And every time we’re in the same room, you’ll keep doing it because you think I’ll break.”

“I won’t-”

“Even if you find a way to school your expression, I already know you hate yourself because of it. It won’t help me, oppa.”

“Naeun-”

“You should move on with your life, oppa.” She reached her shoes. “Because as far as I’m concerned, we’re done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, you've guessed it. the sequel to this will feature Seungri/Howon/Sungjong troubles... not that the three of them would be in a relationship.


	4. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought you liked me.”  
> “Hyung I want to BE you but I want to be WITH him. Big difference.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance

Sunggyu woke up.

Sunggyu yawned.

Sunggyu stretched his limps.

Sunggyu got out of bed.

Sunggyu brushed his mouth.

Sunggyu noticed the front part of his trousers was sticky but dry.

Sunggyu put up the toilet seat and peed.

Sunggyu looked in his fridge.

Sunggyu went… _wait…_

_…rewind…_

Sunggyu looked down at his trouser and wondered at the mess, about to freak out at the implication of a sticky trouser.

His phone started ringing and he snatched it off the counter.

“Hyung, don’t forget the soju.” Woohyun said breathlessly. “I can’t believe I just burnt another batch.”

“Of what?” Sunggyu asked, opening his trouser and looking inside.

“Hyung, focus. You have to be on time today. Soju.” Woohyun cut the call.

Sunggyu dropped the phone back on the counter as he began to contemplate the truth of his reality. He just woke with what appears to be the end result of quite the happy dream: something that hadn’t happened in a while. And yet, he couldn’t help but smile at the prospect because…

…because, incidentally, his equipment seemed to be working again.

*********

“I am not talking about this.” Chorong said, putting the bottle of Soju in her mouth and causing Myungsoo to cringe.

“We saw you.” Howon said, prodding. “Don’t lie.”

“We were just talking.”

“In a changing room? Away from prying eyes?” Sungyeol asked, joining Howon and Chorong on the floor where the other two had been arguing for a while.

“God forbid anyone would talk in a changing room.” Chorong said, drinking again as Myungsoo cringed again.

“Who are we talking about?” Dongwoo asked, coming in and sitting on the sofa with a bowl of chips the Namjoo scooped a whole deal out of and deposited in her lap.

“Chorong and Byunghun.” Sungyeol said, crunching loudly.

“Teentop’s L.Joe?” Dongwoo asked, looking at Chorong. “Since when?”

“Since never, oppa. Don’t mind Yeolie and Howon.” Chorong said, about to drink from the bottle again when Myungsoo hissed, grabbed the bottle, poured the remainder of the drink into his cup and handed it to her. “Thanks?” She said, uncertainly.

Naeun sat in the corner, nursing her drink as everyone pretended she wasn’t in the room. Well not everyone. Her members were talking to her and once in a while Sunggyu and Woohyun would attempt to include her but seeing as both of them spent a majority of the evening in the kitchen, she was left to contend with a room full of Infinite members who acted like she did not exist.

She could not exactly blame them. She had laid their leader bare in front of an entire building of people. It was a wonder there was no scandal about it. That was why she made it a point not to come to these things anymore. Anytime her members visited Infinite, or anytime Infinite came over, she tried to be massively scarce. But strangely enough, Woohyun invited her over.

He said they were viewing the director’s cut of “Hiya”, Howon’s new movie.

Woohyun, who had led the charge to ignore and alienate her was now the one with an olive branch? She knew immediately that Sunggyu had shared his confidence. On one hand, she was greatly happy that Sunggyu was at least speaking to someone, but she hated that her issues were the fodder used in his healing process. But she decided to show up, much to the surprise of her members and the surprise of the Infinite members.

“… Naeun?”

“What?” She said, looking across the room distractedly at everyone looking back at her. She blinked and noticed the outstretched bowl in Dongwoo’s hand. “What?” She asked again. “Are you talking to me?”

“Do you care for some?” he asked and she nearly fell over herself trying to get over to Dongwoo when she collided with the bowl and everything toppled over, causing everyone to laugh at her as she lay on the floor covered in chips.

“Ha, ha.” She said as Sungyeol picked a chip from her stomach and put his mouth.

“Seriously,” Sungjong said. “I’ve never seen you rush anything.”

“It’s not funny.” She said, feeling the edges of a small hissy-fit nearing.

“You didn’t see yourself.” Bomi said, covering her mouth as she laughed.

Naeun, refused to move from her place on the floor covered in chips. She didn’t even want the damn thing but she was much too excited that they had even offered it that she did not know when she removed one from her hair and put in her mouth.

Chorong continued her argument with Howon and Sungyeol but it was not long before Dongwoo and the rest of them were on the floor, absently picking chips from off of her and eating it like she was a bowl as they continued their conversation.

Somehow, that made her feel even more included.

Dongwoo was about to pick a chip that she was reaching for. She expected him to allow her to take it, following the same forced politeness that had been her existence. He, on the other hand, smacked her hand away before taking the chip. Naeun could feel her cheeks rising in joy as the sting in her hand did not even come close to the comfort she felt at the chastisement.

She knew that Sunggyu may have confided in Woohyun, but she highly doubted that he would tell anyone else. So she had to assume that this sudden niceness was probably cued from the fact that Sunggyu and Woohyun had been nice to her all evening. She wasn’t going to whine. If they were being nice, she was going to take it.

“So how are we doing this on premiere night?” Bomi asked, sitting behind Howon, placing both her legs on either side of him.

Naeun noticed as Sungjong sat up the moment Bomi settled. Sungjong did this all the time. Every minute it looked like one of them wanted to hang off of Howon, Sungjong was there, by their side, unlatching wandering hands or shushing words down and leading the girl away. APink had a lot of fun provoking him all the time.

What was odd was that the moment he sat up, he seemed to deflate and then he lay back down on the couch where his head was previously in Eunji’s lap. Naeun saw pity pass over Eunji’s features as she continued to run her hands through Sungjong’s hair as if to console him.

_Strange._

“What about premiere night?” Howon asked, looking at the television as he took the remote she handed to him.

“Why don’t we go together?” Bomi asked as Sungjong looked at them, but Eunji held him down.

Naeun sat up, causing Sungyeol and Dongwoo to groan as the chips on her body fell on the ground. As much as she was enjoying the attention, she very much wanted to watch this exchange without twisting her neck in a bad way.

“I’m going with fellow cast members. Won’t you be with the members?” Howon said, still focusing on the television.

“I don’t mean you and I, dufus.” She said, putting her arms around Howon’s middle.

Even in the glare from the screen, Naeun could see the blood drain from Sungjong’s face. She wondered why he won’t just get up and shoo Bomi away.

“I mean APink and Infinite. One by one.” Bomi explained and Chorong squealed in interest.

“True.” Chorong said. “Let’s go together.”

Just then, Sunggyu entered carrying a small plate with dip in it. Too bad the chips were all over the ground.

“What did you guys do to the chips?” Sunggyu asked. “Dongwoo I asked you to protect the chips.”

“Naeun did it.” Dongwoo reported, pointing in her direction.

“I did not!”

Everyone mumbled in disagreement with her so that Sunggyu turned on her as he pushed Sungjong into a sitting position and joined him and Eunji on the sofa.

“Since when did you start eating chips?” Sunggyu asked.

“Dongwoo-oppa offered.”

A look of understanding passed over his face and was quickly replaced by gratitude when he looked at Dongwoo.

Naeun did not understand how someone could be as forgiving as Sunggyu. It was so unreal and seriously refreshing, but sometimes, she just wanted to clobber him over the head and tell him to be human for once. She could not imagine anyone saying half the things she said to him and yet, here he was. She shook her head as she shuffled back into her corner, watching Sungyeol attempt to put as much of the chips back into the bowl as possible.

“About the going-together thing.” Bomi said.

“Going where?” Sunggyu asked.

“They think APink and Infinite should go together to my movie premiere.” Howon explained.

“We _are_ going together.” Sunggyu said dumbly.

“They mean in pairs.” Myungsoo said, picking up the dip bowl and passing it to Sungyeol who smiled gratefully.

“In pairs? One-one?” Sunggyu asked. “Are you looking for a scandal?”

“It’s a promo thing. Besides, with the amount of joint-public appearances in your future, I’d be surprised if no one thought we were all screwing each other.” Namjoo said and Sungyeol choked on a large helping of chips. Myungsoo patted his back, softly.

“When did you start talking like that?” Dongwoo asked Namjoo, baffled.

“I’m not a teenager anymore, oppa.” She said batting her eyelashes at him playfully. Dongwoo blushed beautifully.

“Okay, stop teasing.” Sunggyu said, snapping his fingers at Namjoo.

“Let’s just go together.” Bomi prodded. “It’ll be fun. We’ll be sitting together anyway. We’d just have to walk the red carpet in pairs rather than with our groups. It’s not like it hasn’t been done before.”

“Fine!” Sunggyu said and Chorong squealed again and Naeun was beginning to think Naeun may have had more than enough of Soju.

“How are we picking pairs?” Dongwoo asked.

“I’m going with Sungjong.” Eunji stated with her hand still in his hair even as he was sitting down between her and Sunggyu. “Right?”

He nodded.

“Leader-leader?” Chorong shouted from the other side of the room as she jumped and found herself in Sunggyu’s lap.

“Fine. Leader-leader.” He agreed before his eyes fell on Naeun and then he blinked guiltily.

Naeun nearly rolled her eyes. She broke up with him for God’s sake. When was the damn anger going to show up?

“Namjoo.” Sungyeol said, just as Namjoo was about to open her mouth and from the piercing look she had aimed at Dongwoo, it was obvious who she was about to pick. “Let’s go together.”

“Okay.” She said, shrugging, even though her eyes kept going back to Dongwoo.

“I’m going with Myungsoo-oppa.” Bomi said, lifting one leg over Howon and lying down as she put her head on Myungsoo’s knee. “Say yes.”

“That was your plan all along.” Myungsoo said, pinching her cheeks. She kept trying to smack his hand away but he took his hand away too fast so she ended up smacking herself a few times as he laughed. Eventually, she gave up and punched him in the stomach.

“So Naeun, that means you and I, then.” She heard Dongwoo say, causing her to look away from Myungsoo and Bomi.

She honestly didn’t expect to get picked at all. But now, she doubted they still held a grudge anymore. If Sunggyu didn’t hate, she supposed they really weren’t going to. She nodded and he smiled genuinely.

He looked away from her and she followed his gaze to Sunggyu who mouthed a quick “thank you”, soundlessly.

Naeun was going to smack him up-side the head. She would have done it that moment but then she would have to explain herself or be shunned again; neither of which she was ready to go through. So she sat there hating Sunggyu for making her feel like the lesser person.

Woohyun entered carrying a tray of what Naeun could assume was more things to fill their belly. Naeun felt culpable by just inhaling what he was bringing and she had not even eaten it yet.

“Woohyun,” Howon said, finally playing the movie. “You’re going for the premiere with Hayoung.”

“What?” Woohyun asked, sitting on the floor.

“They want us to go one-one.” Sunggyu explained and Woohyun nodded even though Naeun doubted he even understood.

“Speaking of,” Woohyun said, looking around. “Where’s Hayoung?”

“She’s sleeping in Howon-oppa's bed.” Namjoo answered, getting up. “I’ll go get her. The movie is about to start.”

*********

Sunggyu was sitting on his bed in a fresh new set of pants looking at his old, soaked night trousers and thinking this was utterly preposterous. Two nights in a row. He must be _really_ fine.

He heard a crash in his sitting room and was forced to his feet as he kicked the soiled trouser beneath his bed and reached for a shoe that he brandished as a weapon. He opened his room door, slowly, stepping out into the cool of his apartment.

The sitting room lights were turned on from what he could hear, someone was trying to use his player to play some music… or steal it. Both of which were weird options.

As he entered the sitting room, he came face to face with a scared looking Taesan who screamed his life out, dropping the bowl of ramyun in his hand on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” They both asked each other.

“Me?” Sunggyu said, using the shoe to point at himself. “This is my house. What are _you_ doing here?”

Taesan lowered his eyes as he ran for the kitchen and came back with a broom and dustpan.

“I had it on very good authority that Infinite was going out and would not be home all night, hyung.” Taesan said as if that was information enough.

“So you came to my apartment?” Sunggyu said, dropping the shoe. “What the hell? How did you escape your dorm? I gave you my password for _emergencies_ , only.”

“This is an emergency.” Taesan said in a shrill voice, causing Sunggyu to look around.

“What exactly is _this_?” He asked. “What are you doing here, Taesan?”

“I come here sometimes.” Taesan said, finally cleaning off the ground and moving to ump it in the kitchen. Sunggyu followed him.

“To my apartment?”

“Yes. Sometimes. When I don’t have practice and you won’t be around…” Taesan was blushing. “It’s not every day your idol gives you his password.”

“You realize how creepy this all sounds, right?” Sunggyu asked.

“It’s not so bad. I just watch TV, play some music and eat. I’m not doing anything untoward.” He said.

“You’re being weird in someone’s apartment while the person isn’t home: that is untoward.”

“The weirdest thing I do is pretend to be yo-” Taesan bit his tongue and Sunggyu almost laughed.

“You pretend to be me? Taesan why would want to do that?” Taesan stopped blushing as he deadpanned.

“Hello?” He said, waving at Sunggyu. “Mentor?” He asked and Sunggyu almost face-palmed himself. “I don’t just say that stuff to anyone who would listen. I do really want to be like you, hyung.”

“You can’t keep doing this, Tae.” Sunggyu said. “Don’t come here when I’m not around anymore.”

“Can I come when you are around?”

“You come when I’m around already.”

“Yes, but I mean to do the stuff I do when you’re not here. I won’t even talk to you.”

“That still sounds weird. Stop doing it, Taesan.”

“You have two choices: let me come when you’re here or I’ll keep coming when you’re not.”

“I’ll change my password.”

“No, you won’t.” Taesan teased as the doorbell rang. Sunggyu got up to go get it.

“This isn’t over.” He said as Taesan smiled cheekily because the ridiculous boy knew he had won.

He saw a head leaning on the wall beneath the monitor without a face but from the jacket, he could tell it was Sungjong. Sunggyu braced himself for the uncomfortable conversation he was about to be a part of. It was because of Sungjong that Sunggyu ordered the Infinite members to go out earlier in the evening, just so he could distract him. If he was back here, Sunggyu’s plan hadn’t worked out so well.

He opened the door to find Sungjong smiling at him.

“Hyung.” Sungjong said, throwing himself at Sunggyu, causing Sunggyu to stagger back as the door swung shut behind them.

“Take off your shoes, Jong-ie.” He said, smelling the soju on Sungjong’s breath. They both sat on the floor in the fore-room as Sunggyu pulled of Sungjong’s shoes while Sungjong hummed silently beside him.

“You could’ve stopped him from doing it.” Sungjong accused in the middle of a tune.

“You should sleep.” Sunggyu said, trying to get up but Sungjong pulled him down.

“He’s been in that apartment all night, hyung.”

“It’s just midnight. The night is still young.” Sunggyu said without thinking until he noticed the appalled look on Sungjong’s face. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s not something really bad.”

“They blackmailed him into sex, hyung. I’m pretty sure Seungri is going to do very awful things to him.”

“It’s best not to think about it.” Sunggyu said, as much to Sungjong as he was saying to himself, desperately under-pressure not to think about it. “Let’s get you in bed, alright?”

Sungjong nodded.

Sunggyu pulled them to their feet and led Sungjong to his room. On the way, Taesan emerged from the kitchen, fidgeting and staring at the drowsy drunk Sungjong in fascination.

“Is he drunk? Is he alright? Is he sleeping here?” after the last question, he blushed again and Sunggyu almost laughed at him.

He deposited Sungjong in his bed because that was the only one in the entire house. He removed his jacket, placed it on the chair and then went back to join Taesan who was pacing by the bedroom door.

“Wow!” Sunggyu said, passing by him as he followed, loyally. “So we like Sungjong-sunbae?”

Taesan’s eye’s fell to the floor again.

“I thought you liked me.” Sunggyu said, sitting on the sofa.

“Hyung I want to _be_ you but I want to be _with_ him. Big difference.”

“Your whole life is just made up of Infinite feelings, eh?” Sunggyu said, picking the remote. “Are you just going to stand there…”

He didn’t even have to finish before Taesan was jumping into place beside him.

*********

Woohyun was standing with Eunji and Bomi in the lobby as Sunggyu and Chorong spoke with the managers while they waited for Howon. He kept licking his lips in nervousness because his tongue had gone on a vacation and he could not exactly say whatever nonsense was on his mind now that Eunji was standing so close.

She really was standing so close.

If he just moved his shoulder, he would bump her boobs in the most, best way. But he schooled his body, issuing not to move at all. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t smell her. Her shampoo –lavender?- seeped into his senses causing his mind to spin just a little and he found himself wishing he could just lean in, juuuuust a bit.

So he blinked, coming back to his senses and desperately attempting to focus on the conversation she was having with Bomi but the lull of her voice and the scent of her and the nearness and, just everything was driving him bunkers.

Eunji laughed, taking hold of his shoulder as she leaned forward, moving even closer and Woohyun nearly felt his eyes roll white in sensory over-load. Not knowing what he was doing, he shrugged her off and took a step back.

“Oppa?” Eunji asked, looking hurt. Woohyun _deserved_ a slap.

“Uh…,” he stuttered. “I’ll just see what the hold-up is.”

Quickly, he avoided Eunji’s hurt as he headed in the direction of Sunggyu, Chorong and the managers. He stopped beside Sunggyu, struggling to regain his breath. Sunggyu looked at him questioningly but Woohyun remained silent.

Turned out, for all the serious faces, the managers were really not saying anything to Sunggyu and Chorong. If only Howon would just arrive so they could leave to their first ever interview as PT, Woohyun might start to feel better.

They were all pretty excited about the interview because it was the first time they were going to sing one of their songs: _Bed Hair_. Woohyun was mostly excited about his part in the song and even though he had buckled at the thought of having to share most of his parts with Eunji, the two of them had figured out soon enough that if they could stop from reddening at every point, their voices blended exceptionally well together.

Jongwan and the Acube producer had conferenced all six of them before they started working on the songs. They had worked with each of them on a song that was meant to interpret something special to that person. So it was pretty obvious to tell which three of the six songs had come from the boys.

The depressing rock, non-dance number about a guy whose love had hurt his love was obviously Sunggyu’s.

Woohyun, after frustrating Jongwan (because Jongwan had assumed writing a song with Woohyun would be the easiest), had finally been able to come up with a flirty number about the things boys and girls could do together. That was Bed Hair. CEO-nim had pursed his lip the first time he heard the song. Woohyun knew he had a lot to say but because everyone else in the room had raved about the song, opting to make it the title track, CEO-nim did not point out just how not-PG 13 the song was.

The hip-hop dance number was obviously Howon’s.

The girls refused to tell which one was theirs but judging from the amount of vocals that was afforded to a particular person in a particular song, it was quite easy to tell which song was whose. And that’s how Woohyun found out that Eunji was almost just as crazy about him.

He refused to go down that road.

It was easy to deal when he assumed she was only being friendly, but now that Sunggyu’s suspicion had been confirmed that she came over every morning because of him, Woohyun did not know what do with himself. The song had been so specific that he would be a fool not to know.

_“…because of fear, I hide from you_

_I pray and pray, you’ll see it’s true_

_…because who wakes at 7am_

_But she who wishes to see him?”_

He _refused_ to go down _that_ road.

Not when they would eventually breakup. Luckily for Sunggyu, his relationship had ended before they got shoved in a group together. If Woohyun and Eunji broke up and they were miles away from home, stuck together when they could avoid each other? Disaster!

The elevator behind all of them dinged open and they looked just in time to see Howon appear with Seungri. Woohyun didn’t know those two even talked. Howon had not come out with them the night before and even when Woohyun got back from the club, Howon’s door was locked and he assumed Howon was asleep. When Howon didn’t wake this morning, he thought it was strange but Sunggyu had just told him to get downstairs that Howon would meet them there. Did Howon spend the night with Seungri?

“When did that happen?” He asked, gesturing in Howon and Seungri’s direction.

“When hell froze over.” Sunggyu said.

*********

His stick-drawings had changed. And so had their themes. But that was not his biggest problem.

Jongwan watched PT’s radio interview online, like the distant fan he was, unable to decipher what part of it was bullshit and what was really true. He could not believe that there was a time Sunggyu would drone on and on about his members, his girlfriend, his job and Jongwan would scoff or ask him to keep quiet so he could concentrate. At the moment, he would give anything to just hear Sunggyu talk to him about the weather.

Tablo kept suggesting he go back and apologize some more. Jongwan just couldn’t. Not with the way Sunggyu looked at him. When Tablo relayed the message that Sunggyu was not mad, Jongwan felt even worse. Tablo thought he deserved more punishment… more penance. In anybody’s book but Sunggyu’s he’d molested the poor boy. He was pretty sure that if Sunggyu did not stop him, he was going to all the way. That didn’t make him feel better.

This was why having two producers work on a project was such a blessing. He emailed his notes to the Acube Producer and didn’t go in to work for the last three sessions. He just couldn’t do it. He could not even believe he had survived the previous three weeks, looking at Sunggyu who tried his best not to look at him. He had even promised himself that he wouldn’t listen to PT’s interview, but there he was on his laptop, watching it without shame.

He regretted it the first time he saw Sunggyu sit beside Chorong. He regretted it when they talked at the same time and hesitated; offering to let the other person speak and h hated how much that exchange reminded him of the beginning of the whole Naeun/Sunggyu fiasco. If it wasn’t a live-stream, he would have skipped every single skinship part. It was so much worse that watching Woohyun with Sunggyu.

Jongwan had to admit that on some level, he always knew Sunggyu was not gay. That had to be why he had never really had anything against Woohyun and their stupid, onscreen romance. That had obviously been fanservice. But the amount of attention Sunggyu paid to girls had to be ridiculously true.

 _Unless Sunggyu…_ Jongwan squashed the thought, not allowing himself to travel that desperate route that led him to his present predicament, again.

As PT took their places, behind the mics to begin Bed hair, Jongwan placed his head on the kitchen counter, where he had been watching the interview and allowed himself to listen for kinks or something he could correct.

Woohyun’s voice was a strong core for the song and Jongwan was too impressed with him, Chorong and Hoya rapped beautifully together. Jongwan looked up just in time to catch them smiling at each other as they spouted the naughty lyrics Woohyun had come up with while Bomi hey-hey-ed and woo-wooed in the background. Sunggyu and Eunji snag the bridge, standing side by side as they stared at each other, not smiling but just intently looking –a scene that was sure to cause a lot of havoc with the fandom- and Jongwan had had enough.

He shut his laptop and went back to his room.

*********

Sunggyu watched the PT members fooling around in the sound booth because the Acube producer was running late. He was starting to get worried that Seungri was now some sort of permanent fixture in Howon’s life. Fear would never allow him ask about that night and now, almost two weeks later, Sunggyu had still not mustered up the courage to investigate or at least ask why Seungri was now everywhere.

Right now, Seungri had somehow made himself present in the sound booth, were he led the PT members including (Howon, Bomi, Chorong and Woohyun) in some Big Bang hits. Sunggyu was tempted to go in there and force him out, but he feared that then he would be the one facing a night of strangeness. So he stood in the viewing area and waiting while track after track ran and the people in the booth sang like crazy people.

Eunji was the only other person who refused to join in.

She was the main reason Sunggyu was worried. Sunggyu had foolishly allowed himself to think that Howon was an adult and one of the last people on the planet that anyone could abuse. Really! So nothing bad could have happened. But the way Eunji hissed at Seungri or refrained from talking to Howon whenever Seungri was present was enough to tell Sunggyu that all was not right. Howon was still not talking to Sungjong so if there was anyone he had talked to about what happened, it was Eunji. And if she wasn’t a fan of Seungri, then maybe Sunggyu was too quick to assume all was right.

But every time they say Howon with Seungri, he was smiling. Was he faking it? Did Seungri threaten him some more? Sunggyu’s brain was going to liquefy soon from over-use. Not to mention the fact that he had his own issues that kept keeping him up at night: and no more in an angry way.

After worrying about why he, a grown man, was now having wet dreams beyond his control after months of inactivity in his nether regions, Sunggyu finally awoke to the fading voice of the person who had caused the most recent dream to occur.

It most definitely was not Naeun’s voice.

He spent that first night having a tiny life crisis and struggling to muster up his usual amount of anger, but that didn’t work. Then he tried for depression and that was difficult too, because when he went to play his Depression Playlist, Nell blasted into the room and that did anything but depress at the sound of Jongwan’s voice. No!

This could not be his healing. He had spent too many years, to turn out like this. Something was wrong with him, still.

But then it happened again…

And again…

And again…

And now, two weeks after the first dream he could remember, Sunggyu was sure they were never going to go away.

The producer arrived and the crazy singing stopped. They all filed out as Seungri made to leave. He stopped right in front of Sunggyu and bowed 90 degrees but Sunggyu just stared at him as he rose and left the studio.

“Sunggyu, we are recording _Puzzle Me_ again. Can you get in the booth?” The producer said.

“Yes.” He nodded, getting up but not before the dream voice came back him…

… _“I’ll make you feel so good. I promise.”_ Jongwan’s voice said and Sunggyu stumbled.

*********

Sunggyu stood at the vending machine, trying to figure what snack to nibble while the other PT members went to lunch. Howon was the only person still recording so he figured, he might as well just take a snack and go right back to the studio.

As he thought, his gaze wondered around the corridor where it fell on the mop of blond hair seated on a sofa, a little way off and Sunggyu could not believe his eyes. Without thinking, his feet took him over there, where he tapped the sleeping figure.

“What are you still doing here?” He asked.

“Howon asked me to wait for him.” Seungri answered, still sleepy. Sunggyu laughed.

“He asked you?” Sunggyu asked, wondering how this all fit together. “You need to stay away from him.”

“Hyung, I don’t think this is any of your business.” Seungri said, red coloring his cheeks.

“He’s Infinite. It’s my business.”

“You don’t know what’s going on between us.”

“You forced yourself on him and you think it’s supposed to be more complicated than that?”

Seungri lowered his eyes and Sunggyu was happy he knew how to look ashamed.

“He asked me to wait for him.” Seungri repeated, stubbornly.

“Yah!” Sunggyu said before he noticed a figure alight from the elevator and he felt stricken.

_This could not be happening… this could not be happening… this could not be happening._

Jongwan looked up and his eyes connected with Sunggyu. Sunggyu felt his breath be swept away as he stared into the brown eyes that had learnt to hunt him in his dreams.

“Sunggyu, I need to talk to you.” Jongwan said, coming to him and Seungri but Sunggyu was shaking his head and backing away.

He wanted to ask him to leave. He wanted to tell him that not having to look at his face every day after another wet dream was the best solace ever. He wanted to tell him that being here was worse than anything. But Sunggyu could not because his throat was closing and his head was spinning and he was suddenly bent over on the floor, struggling to breathe.

“Sunggyu-yah.”

“Hyung.” He heard Seungri’s voice as Seungri rushed to his side.

“Get…” Sunggyu said. “Get him away from me.” Sunggyu managed.

He didn’t hear anything for a while but then he heard Seungri speak again.

“Sunbae, I think you should go.” Seungri said tapping Sunggyu’s back. “Please, Sunbae.”

Soon, someone was pulling him up to a kneeling position and clutching his hands tightly.

“Listen to me, hyung.” Seungri said. “You’re having a panic attack. You need to breathe Just calm down. In and out, with me. Come on.”

As Seungri led him in inhaling and exhaling, Sunggyu wondered if he was going crazy. How he could go from angry to sad to happy to calm to angry to afraid to sad to quiet in a day. Maybe he wasn’t healed. Maybe he was just getting better and better at hiding his crazy.

When he got his breathing under control, Seungri sat on the floor beside him.

“You’re lucky no one was around to see that.” Seungri said and Sunggyu looked at him.

“Am I supposed to like you again?” Sunggyu asked and Seungri laughed.

*********

Jongwan drew his angry stick figures for God-only-knew-how-many hours before he looked up and it was dark again. He should have stayed away. He had no right to go there. His mere presence was a problem now. But why? It hadn’t been the last time they’d been in a room together. What had changed? Why was he now a Sunggyu health-hazard?

His door bell rang and he looked through to peephole and nearly peed on himself.

He opened his door and Sunggyu walked right in, avoiding his confused look. He wanted to ask what was happening but his brain screamed at him to shut up and just let Sunggyu speak. If he was here, he must have something to say.

Not to mention the fact that Jongwan was jonsing for Sunggyu’s voice.

He followed him into the sitting room where Sunggyu gestured at the sofa, as if Jongwan was the visitor. Sunggyu stood in front of him, still wearing his jacket as if he didn’t hope to be long. He had his hands clasped over his mouth and Jongwan could tell he was phrasing his speech in his head.

“I don’t…” Sunggyu hesitated. “I don’t know how I’m going to say this without you thinking I’m in denial.” He swiped tears from his eyes angrily. “But you’ve ruined my life. And, I don’t know, maybe this is some sort of PTSD or… or-”

“Sunggyu-”

“Let me speak.” Sunggyu said. “I had a plan. And I never even understood what I wanted when I came to Woollim until Taesan said it to me.” He breathes out, shakily. “You have ruined my life and it’s not denial because I never and I mean NEVER, wanted you. Before this whole fiasco. I am not some confused teenager. I am an adult and I know what I want. And it’s not you.”

Jongwan got up from the sofa but Sunggyu paced away from him.

“Please sit.” Sunggyu said, allowing the tears to keep falling. “When people decide what they want, more often than not, it’s because of someone else and I had fooled myself into thinking that that would never happen to me but hyung, you happened. And now I’m having dreams. Dreams about you.”

Jongwan could not help the giddiness that was running through him. Sunggyu dreamt about him?

“Dreams that would never have happened if you did not-” Sunggyu stopped. “You are a grown up. You should have been able to tell the difference between when someone wants to be you and when someone wants to be _with_ you.”

“I’m not-”

“I NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH YOU!” Sunggyu screamed. “How could you not know one from the other?”

Sunggyu turned away to clean has face with his shirt. Jongwan knew the worst thing he could do at the moment was go anywhere near Sunggyu. But there was one thing left to do. He quickly took out his phone and typed a quick text.

“You don’t deserve me or my devotion.” Sunggyu said.

“I know.” Jongwan said.

“You’re a horrible, horrible person.”

“I know.”

“Stop agreeing with me.” Jongwan stopped talking. “I am going through something… and I understand that you might think it’s best to talk to me. I think I liked it better when you didn’t. It gave me time to think. You can’t be around me, right now. I can’t…” Sunggyu pursed his lips. “You have to give me time to think. Please. Don’t try and rush me.”

Sunggyu looked at him and Jongwan nodded, feeling like he would agree to anything.

With that, Sunggyu left.

*********

Sunggyu sat at the bar again, nursing yet another drink that he was not going to touch. He wondered why he even did it. It was a stupid habit and a waste of money. But it was also somewhat soothing to stare at the flat surface of the drink and know that a cup of water would not give the same satisfaction. He was weird that way.

Someone took the stool beside him and he turned to see Woohyun.

“Jongwan-hyung texted me.” He explained, raising his hand to order a drink as well. “What happened?” he asked softly.

“I don’t even know.” Sunggyu dropped his head on the counter. “He’s all I can think about Woohyun.”

“Jongwan-hyung?” Woohyun asked. “Since when?”

“Almost three weeks.” Sunggyu answered, tuning his head to lean his cheek on the counter as he stared at Woohyun, who mirrored his actions. “It hurts so much because… because…”

“Because you’re not gay?” Woohyun asked and Sunggyu’s eyes grew two sizes. “Maybe it’s not about him. Maybe you’re just growing up.”

“Becoming gay is growing up now?” Sunggyu asked, squinting at the idiot sitting beside him.

“No, but you’re changing. I suppose.” Woohyun said.

“Why?” Sunggyu said, sitting up as he narrowed his eyes at Woohyun. “You’re oiling me up for something. What is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“I can tell when you’re trying to lead me to a particular decision, Woohyun.” Sunggyu said sternly.

Woohyun exhaled.

“He told me to come get you ’cause you were freaking out and when I got there, you were gone.”

“So he told you what I told him.” Sunggyu said.

“He is an asshole for doing what he did, hyung.” Woohyun said. “I’d be the first one to say it.”

“But?” Sunggyu asked.

“You’ve been through a lot of hurt this year, hyung. And if there was one person who could make you feel better, it was Jongwan-hyung.” Woohyun tilted his head. “Wow, you know there was a time that admitting that might have hurt my feelings.”

“I’m sorry.” Sunggyu said feeling guilty.

“For what?” Woohyun asked. “You may be the straightest person I know but this doesn’t change you. I know you’re not mad at him because of what he did –even though you should be. It probably only started to bother you when your body started reacting to it. Maybe you’re not gay, maybe you’re just… Jongwan-sexual.”

“Eww!”

“True.” Woohyun said. “But at least now your… junior… is working.”

“It’s been driving me crazy, I swear.”

“I know what you mean.” Woohyun said, looking wistful.

“How? Didn’t you always like boys? And girls?”

“Actually, you’re the only boy I ever liked." Sunggyu looked at him sharply. "A very confusing time in my life, I’ll say.”

“Really?” Sunggyu asked as he shook his head. "You really handled it well if I couldn’t even tell.”

“I became a dickhead who set out to make your life miserable because you were making _me_ miserable. That’s why I fought you all the time. I wouldn’t exactly call that handling-it-well.” Woohyun said.

“Yeah, you were kind of a dickhead. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.”

“It was the most horrible time of my life.” Woohyun said. “But I wouldn’t change that for anything. It made me a better artist and when I decided to get over it, it made me a better friend.”

“Well, I’m not singing about rainbows and sunshine, yet.”

“Not yet.” Woohyun said. “But you would. Eventually, we all do.”

Maybe Woohyun was right. Maybe the worst was behind him. Maybe when they debuted and went on tour, Sunggyu would find a way to stabilize. Maybe he might –someday- accept his new feelings for Jongwan. Maybe the day would come when his emotions didn’t take him for a roller coaster ride.

But that day was not today, so he picked his cup and downed the entire thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't figured out happy endings but hopefully, i will get it as i enter the other parts of the series because my Sunggyu MUST find happiness.  
> pls stay tunned


	5. INTERLUDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just talking

I was going to continue this story as a whole different project but i changed my mind about that. I will use the same HOW YOU MADE MY HEART YOUR OWN pseudo to continue... I may as well do that here.

A few things people who haven't read the other parts need to know in order to move on.

-the next chapters will continue six weeks after chapter four ended. the other two stories explain stuff that happened in between so PLS CHECK THEM OUT. 

-the howon/seungri/sungjong has situation has already been dissolved.

-the next few chapters occur after the first four chapters of the other two stories [TO SEE YOU SUFFER, BECAUSE YOU SAID SO].

-it will occur in the same time line as the later chapters of the other two stories.

-so sorry for the confusion

-if you need to find out anything that is a little confusing, check the others, pls. however, i will try to explain as much as i can but i might miss somethings so pls, be nice.


	6. Inaccurate Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Jiyong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not know how debuts work  
> i do not know how they sort through touring options  
> but i'm making up my own kpop tour style  
> so please, be nice

Sunggyu finished with a flourish, letting his right hand roll Eunji away as the song faded to silence and all that was left was the sultry height of Woohyun's last note. They were all breathing hard as the stage went dark and the stage manager spoke into the mike.

"Alright. Stage change." He stated as the rest of PT rushed off the stage, leaving Howon alone for his solo performance. As Sunggyu climbed down the stairs, he could hear the beginning thrum of Howon's song and knew -as had been planned- that Howon wasn't wearing a shirt anymore. He laughed, pulling his phone from his pocket as he allowed make-up and costumes to pull him in every direction as they started to change him for his next appearance.

**J.WAN: I'm here already.**

**J.WAN: Hey, I watched you perform "Kontrol"**

**J.WAN: kinda in love with it.**

**J.WAN: Tablo says you should add a rap to it.**

**J.WAN: Don't listen to him.**

**J.WAN: He tries to get a rap into everything.**

Sunggyu grins as he reads the messages, allowing one of his hands to be pulled out of the costume and then the other one, his eyes never leaving the phone.

**GYU: Just got off stage.**

**GYU: Tell Tablo-hyung to write the rap and we'll see.**

**J.WAN: >_<**

**J.WAN: What have you done with my Sunggyu?**

**GYU: He's gone crazy with performance-high.**

**J.WAN: Don't worry, you'll do great next tomorrow.**

**J.WAN: This is just dress-and-tech.**

**J.WAN: It's standard. You've done this a million times.**

**GYU: Tell that to my stomach.**

**J.WAN: Should I come there?**

**GYU: Hyung...**

**J.WAN: I know.**

**J.WAN: I remember.**

**J.WAN: Only calls and texts.**

**GYU: I'm still figuring stuff out.**

**J.WAN: You don't have to explain anything to me.**

**J.WAN: It feels great to even talk to you again.**

**GYU: Really?**

**J.WAN: Best week of my life.**

**GYU: Now you're being silly.**

Someone bumped into Sunggyu and his phone fell on the ground. It was then he noticed he was wearing a new shirt with the same trousers and shoes. By the time he remembered his phone on the ground, Seungri was already picking it up.

"Sorry, hyung." Seungri said, dusting the phone even though there was no sand. 

"Dongsaeng." Sunggyu said as he rubbed Seungri's head even Seungri had a few inches on him. "Howon is on stage."

"I know." Seungri smiled. "I'll just wait."

Both of them stood in the dressing room, monitoring Howon's performance from the small TV hanging on the wall. As Sunggyu felt his phone buzz in his hand, he was about to look at it when he felt someone stand beside him. He looked up and bowed.

"Sunbae."

"Call me hyung." Jiyong said, smiling broadly. "Our members are close."

"Are they?" Sunggyu said, knowing that only Howon and Seungri were on speaking terms.

"Our members are dating." Jiyong explained, waving at Seungri-the-inspirit who was mouthing the words to Howon's song.

"Right!" Sunggyu nodded. "Hyung."

Jiyong looked at, leaning in closely as Sunggyu leaned away in confusion, bumping into Seungri who was on his other side.

"Something's different." Jiyong noted, looking at Sunggyu as if he was a puzzle. His eyes widened in some kind of realization that caused Sunggyu to take a step away but he couldn't get rid of jiyong that easily. "My gaydar is usually silent around you but today," Jiyong said. "It's going off like a bitch."

Sunggyu blinked in frustration. He liked one guy. ONE GUY. Surely that wasn't a gay-beacon.

"Hyung, we were-" He started, pointing at the monitor as Jiyong crowded him, forcing Sunggyu to back way and fall into a chair as Jiyong leaned over him.

_He doesn't know anything... He doesn't know anything... He doesn't know anything._

"Usually, you give off a very alpha-heterosexual vibe but today, I don't know. you're kinda very twinkish and molestable."

Sunggyu felt his heartbeat quicken as heat began to rise on his neck.

"I don't know what's wrong with your gaydar, hyung. But you should get it fixed."

"Should I?" Jiyong smiled evilly as Seungri cheered in the background at something Howon must have done.

Sunggyu placed both his hands on Jiyong's shoulders and pushed him away, getting to his feet as he began to feel a little angry.

"Maybe you're not aware, but I need my head clear right now." Sunggyu hissed and this caught Seungri's attention as he turned away from the TV to watch them. "You can't be here if you're just looking to start trouble." Sunggyu said. "Sunbae." He added.

Jiyong looked shocked for all of five seconds before he smiled again.

"There he is!" Jiyong raised his hands. "I mean, just the alpha-part. The straight-part?" Jiyong shook his head. "Not so much."

He patted Seungri on the shoulder and walked off, probably looking for someone else to torment. Sunggyu let our a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"Don't pay him any mind, hyung." Seungri said.

"What?"

"He's like that with all my friends." Seungri explained. "It's his thing."

Sunggyu watched the retreating back of Jiyong, hoping Jiyong really was just pulling his leg. Because if everyone in the world was about to start knowing that Sunggyu liked guys, he was going to have to rethink his entire image. His phone buzzed again.

**J.WAN: I'm serious.**

**J.WAN: Hello?**

**J.WAN: You're not on stage and you're not answering.**

**J.WAN: Should I be worried?**

**GYU: No, hyung, we're fine.**

**GYU: It's all good on my end.**

*********

Jongwan frowned at his phone. Something was not right. Somehow, he could feel Sunggyu through their chat, but he felt off all of a sudden.

"What is it?" Tablo asked, looking at the chat in Jongwan's hand.

"He sounds weird." Jongwan explained.

Tablo looked at him worriedly.

"You can't actually _hear_ texts, Jongwan." Tablo explained.

"It just looks stiff is all."

**J.WAN: When next are you going on stage?**

**GYU: In about a minute.**

**GYU: I think.**

**GYU: We're supposed to end with Puzzle Me.**

"It's so weird how you two don't use IM." Tablo was still reading their chat.

"You shouldn't do that." Jongwan wrenched his phone away, laughing. "I can't wait to hear Puzzle Me." He looked at the stage.

"You wrote it." Tablo deadpanned.

"And because I've been forced to stay away, I don't know what the latest version sounds like."

"You could've gotten it from the studio anytime."

"He said I should wait."

Tablo shook his head in wonder. Then made a whipping sound.

"I'm not whipped." Jongwan argued.

"Whatever you say." They looked at the stage as everything went dark again.

"And tell your wife to stop setting me up with actors."

"I'm not going to stop her." Tablo shrugged his shoulders.

"It's getting weird. All they want to do is go to Noraebang because I'm a singer. The other day, I suggested a batting cage and he looked at me like I was crazy. As If I'm not supposed to know what Baseball is."

Tablo was laughing, bent over and leaning on the wall.

"I'm sorry. It's so good watching you finally put yourself out there."

"But I don't want to. I want Sunggyu. He's right there. And he's growing to love me, too."

"And if he doesn't?" Tablo looked serious as he asked.

"He will." Jongwan said seriously as the lights came back on with Sunggyu standing at the middle of the stage. Only Howon was missing and Jongwan knew they were changing him and probably pumping him with water as he caught his breath from his previous performance. Sunggyu was dressed in grey pants and a blue shirt as the other four members of PT stood around him in varied costumes of blue and grey. Jongwan was sure they all looked good. They had to, but he could see no one but Sunggyu, standing there looking like something not from this world.

"Hello, everyone." Sunggyu said, holding his mic-stand and speaking into the mic like he was trying to kiss it. Jongwan tried not be jealous of it. "Are we still having fun?"

"Yes!" The PT members shouted into their own mics.

Sunggyu went onto rant about other irrelevant things and at some point, Jongwan was pretty sure someone was singing something. Or that they were playing some silly game but he could not be bothered because he was watching Sunggyu and his other senses were shutting down as his eyes took him in.

Before he knew it, the first beat of Puzzle Me began and Jongwan's ears suddenly awoke as he realized Howon was back on stage as well. Maybe it was because he'd been starved of Sunggyu for too long. Or maybe it was because he'd probably forgotten what Sunggyu's voice sounded like -highly doubtful. Or maybe Sunggyu had just gotten that much better in the six weeks he hadn't heard him practice. But somehow, Puzzle Me sounded glorious with Sunggyu's voice front and center. By the time they got to the bridge, Jongwan couldn't breathe. But even then, he survived the suffocation just because he could hear this... he could see this. Who needed oxygen when they had Sunggyu.

_I'm loving you because I have a choice_

_I'm loving you even after seeing it all_

_If you won't believe my honest voice_

_Understand that you are it... you're my all_

PT sang the chorus one last time as the band played out it's last beat and that was it. 

Jongwan was clapping so hard, he was sure the people on stage could hear him. He didn't care. If Sunggyu saw him, it'd be even better.

"It's been so much fun with you all." Chorong was saying.

"Thank you all for coming." Woohyun said.

"Haven't we all enjoyed ourselves?" Eunji asked as he removed her mic and turned it to the audience.

"Yes!" Jongwan screamed, ignoring Tablo's smirk.

"Anticipate our tour. Please love us." Howon said.

"WE ARE **PILLOW TALK**. THANK YOU FOR COMING." They all said in unison, bowing as everyone present in the hall burst into applause.

*********

Sunggyu sat on the floor with Woohyun as they picked beef and carrots into their plates of rice. Woohyun didn't have the energy to cook anything so they ordered in. They sat in silence, eating gently and trying not to feel as thrummed up as they really were.

"So debut, eh?" Woohyun asked.

"I thought it'd never come." Sunggyu said dryly and Woohyun looked at him. "I don't know. It feels kinda empty doing this just the two of us. I'm so used to every big night being a group thing."

"Everyone's been extra busy this week so they can make it on Thursday."

"And I know that. It just seems... Infinite's been kinda lonely lately." Sunggyu said as the bell rang. 

Woohyun whined as he got on his feet and headed to the door. He opened it in shock as he stared at the three girls carrying bags. Eunji stepped in, dumping her own bag in his arms as she walked past.

"Naeun's hosting a show, Hayoung's gone home and Namjoo's missing." Eunji explained on her way to the sitting room. "Oppa." She said to Sunggyu, sitting beside him as she started to eat from Woohyun's bowl.

"Frankly, I think Namjoo's been visiting Dongwoo-oppa again." Bomi said, following Woohyun into the sitting room as Chorong arranged their shoes.

"What are you guys doing here?" Sunggyu asked, smiling at the fact that the room was not about to be quiet anymore.

"Our dorm was quiet and lonely." Chorong explained. "So we ordered food." She looked at their table. "Thanks for thinking of us." She judged.

"We didn't know you were coming." Woohyun explained as he dropped the bag on the table. "What did you guys bring?"

"Food and alcohol." Bomi cheered.

"We can't drink." Sunggyu said, almost entering leader mode.

"It's fine, oppa." Chorong said, opening a can. "We have tomorrow off. Debut's in two days. We may as well sleep the day away." She put the can to her mouth and downed the entire thing before sighing. "Bottoms up."

"You're supposed to say before, duff." Woohyun said as he sat, opening his own bag to bring out more plates of food.

"Where's Howon?" Eunji asked, looking around.

"Seungri kidnapped him." Sunggyu poked around the new bags, hoping to find more goodies.

"He never spends PT time anymore." Eunji pouted. "I'm going to break them up."

"You can try." Woohyun put a piece of beef in some veg and forced it into her mouth before she could argue.

The house door clicked open as they all looked in its direction, anticipating the newest entry. Howon and Seungri appeared, looking surprised to meet such a full house.

"I thought you were sleeping over at your place?" Sunggyu asked Seungri.

"The hyungs are being silly." Seungri said, blushing. "Oooh, food."

"What did they do, oppa?" Bomi asked.

"They tried to show me baby pictures." Howon said and Seungri blushed some more.

"You mean you haven't gotten past that yet?" Sunggyu said getting to his feet.

"Where are you going hyung?" Howon asked, moving to block Sunggyu's path.

"To get your own pictures to show your boyfriend."

"Don't be naughty, hyung." Howon said.

"If I tell him not to show me, will you let mine go?" Seungri asked.

"What's the big deal anyway?" Woohyun was eating. "Everyone in the world's seen your baby pictures."

"Not the ones my hyungs wanted to show."

Howon looked from Sunggyu to Seungri and back.

"Fine. I call baby pictures cease-fire. What are we eating?"

"You already ate." Seungri smacked his head.

"Hey! Where's the third part of your weird relationship?" Chorong asked Howon.

"He has a schedule." Howon said. "Besides, I don't think his leader approves of the relationship."

Chorong nodded and Sunggyu pretended not to hear their conversation.

"So, Pillow Talk, eh?" Seungri asked and everyone in the room looked at him. "Strange name."

"It was CEO-nim's idea." Sunggyu said.

"Do you know he wanted us to use the Hangul version." Chorong cringed.

"Which is what? Begae... Iyagi?" Seungri asked.

"It sounds like a baby's pet name." Bomi said and Howon nodded.

"Pillow Talk is better." Woohyun said slyly.

"It screams of sex." Seungri said.

"Exactly!" Everyone said. 

"We're not debuting as children." 

"Says the maknae." Howon said.

"You're maknae, too." Eunji said.

"I'm older than all you girls." Howon defended himself.

"But you're the youngest boy." Chorong pointed out.

"I'm still not maknae. I'm too sexy to be maknae. Maybe Sunggyu-hyung. He's cute-ish."

Sunggyu didn't know why but he felt his hackles rise at that. Since when did Howon think he was cute-ish?

"I'm cute?" Sunggyu asked.  _"...twinkish and molestable."_

"Almost." Howon said causing Sunggyu to flinch. He saw Seungri look at him worriedly. He laughed, trying to shake it off but had to spend the rest of the evening pretending like he didn't know Seungri was watching.

*********

**J.WAN: Why are you still awake?**

**GYU: You're awake too, hyung.**

**J.WAN: Enjoying your last days of freedom?**

**J.WAN: Once you debut, we might not be able to talk so often.**

**GYU: Maybe we should see...**

**J.WAN: Don't play with me.**

**GYU: I said "maybe"**

**J.WAN: Should we?**

**GYU: I think so.**

**GYU: I don't know.**

**GYU: I want to.**

**J.WAN: What's stopping you?**

Sunggyu had been asking himself that same question for a while now. He wasn't scared of Jongwan and he knew -without a doubt- that he had feelings for him. Fluffy feelings... even grown up feelings. He knew. but somehow, he didn't feel like he was ready for the kind of commitment he saw in Jongwan. Jongwan's feeling were heavy and old and full of responsibility. Sunggyu didn't know if he could handle that. Hell, he'd barely handled his relationship with Naeun. And he'd been straight all his life. He could only imagine how being with Jongwan was going to be when he knew nothing about being gay. Or liking a guy.

Urgh!

**J.WAN: Are you still there?**

**GYU: I'm here, hyung**.

Sunggyu replied, lying on his bed as he chatted, listening to the loud, awful singing going on in the sitting room. The food had cleared out pretty quickly and PT, featuring Seungri, were slowly working through the bag of drinks the girls had brought over. Sunggyu left because he wanted to talk to Jongwan. Besides, he wasn't really in the mood to drink.

**J.WAN: I really don't want to push you.**

**GYU: Buuuuttt...**

**J.WAN: We haven't spoken in weeks.**

**J.WAN: Face-to-face.**

**J.WAN: I miss you.**

Sunggyu smiled, unable to help himself.

**GYU: I miss you too.**

He pressed send before he could change his mind and erase it.

There was a knock at his door.

"Come in." He said, looking up as he let the phone fall to his chest.

"Hyung." Seungri looked in before walking in. He looked around at the room till his eye landing on the large poster of Jongwan covering the wall opposite his bed. seungri coughed and cleared his throat.

"Do you need something?"

"I just wanted to see if you were alright."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sunggyu asked, knowing exactly why.

"You left suddenly."

"I was chatting." Sunggyu pointed at the phone on his chest.

"Oh." Seungri said.

"Do you want to sit?"

Seungri sat. Uncomfortably.

"Something on your mind?" Sunggyu asked.

"I saw how you reacted to Howon calling you cute."

"And?"

"You looked like you did before you had a panic attack last month."

Sunggyu had forgotten Seungri witnessed that. Just great.

"I'm fine. I didn't have a panic attack. It was just weird."

"Weird like Jiyong-hyung flirting with you?"

Sunggyu scoffed.

"Is that what he was doing?"

"You might be new to the gay thing but you should know, it's not-"

"Excuse me." Sunggyu could not believe his ears. "New to the gay thing?" He quoted back. 

Seungri pursed his lips.

"Hyung, I've seen you look at Howon's ass." Sunggyu opened his mouth to protest. "It's a nice ass. I'm not judging."

"Anyone could look. It doesn't make me gay."

"That's closet talk, hyung." Seungri said.

Sunggyu sighed.

"I really was just checking..." Sunggyu trialed off.

"To see if it would feel the same as looking at a woman's?"

"Exactly."

"Did it?"

"Not really. It was strange. Different."

"Is that good or bad?"

"How about I let you know when I know."

Seungri laughed as he got off the bed. Sunggyu picked up his phone to return to his chat.

"About Jiyong-hyung?" Seungri said and Sunggyu looked at him. "He always stops if you flirt back. Being flustered is just fuel to his fire."

"Good to know."

Seungri left.

**GYU: We can meet later today.**

**J.WAN: Time and place.**

Sunggyu spent the next few minutes trying to figure that out.

*********

Jongwan allowed Sunggyu to lead them everywhere that day. They had lunch. Then they went to the water-side. And then Sunggyu suggested they go to Noraebang. Jongwan was about to sigh when he saw the badly hidden amusement on Sunggyu's face.

"Tablo told you." Jongwan asked realizing Tablo was a disloyal brute.

"He had to tell someone." Sunggyu laughed. "He couldn't help himself."

"Well, then let's go to the stupid Noraebang. Might as well show him." Jongwan said, pulling Sunggyu by the arm as they entered a cab.

"I thought you hate those things." Sunggyu still looked like he wanted to laugh.

"I don't. It just irritated me that all they thought I could do was sing."

Sunggyu squinted at him.

"Hyung, that's all you _can_ do." Sunggyu said and Jongwan smacked him on the shoulder.

"Like you're any different."

"Hey! I gym. From time to time."

"Going to the gym when you have a comeback or an appearance doesn't make it part of your lifestyle, Gyu-yah."

Sunggyu grinned.

"What?" Jongwan asked.

"You called me "Gyu-yah"." Sunggyu said. "It's been a while."

"I was... trying not to be too..."

"Familiar?" Sunggyu helped. "It's nice, hyung. Familiarity is nice."

"It is?" Jongwan said, letting his hand drop between them as he grazed Sunggyu's hand just a bit. 

As Sunggyu watched their hands, Jongwan watched Sunggyu. There was really nothing else to look at in their dreary cab. Sunggyu raised his hand from the wrist up and Jongwan thought he might pull away but he placed his hand on top of Jongwan's, lacing their fingers together. Jongwan thought his heart might explode out of his chest.

"I don't know anything about this." Sunggyu whispered, not looking away from their entwined hands.

"That's why you have me." Jongwan said as the cab slowed to a stop.

Unwillingly, Jongwan removed his hand from Sunggyu's so that he could sought through his wallet for fare. As they approached the building, a few pictures were taken but as Jongwan had learnt, the worst you could do was run. So he and Sunggyu waved at the tiny number of fans present before they disappeared into the building as if they were just there to pick up a couple of cakes and not on a date.

They ordered a room and waited till they were called in. Jongwan ordered drinks and some snacks, refusing to let Sunggyu pay.

"I feel like the girl." Sunggyu said innocently. Then he went still as his eyes widened and then he blushed. He was so cute, Jongwan could cuddle him forever if that did not send all sorts of grown-up ideas into his brain.

"We're both men." Jongwan said, still paying. "Come on."

He tugged Sunggyu along as they were led to their room.

They talked more than they sang because so much had happened since they'd last seen face to face. Jongwan let him babble on because, 1) he could listen to Sunggyu all day, 2) nothing had happened in his own life. Sunggyu didn't drink because the next day was debut. Jongwan didn't even drink on a normal day so they got a table of sodas and snacks. He couldn't be happier every time he saw Sunggyu inch closer but he knew he couldn't return the favor. He felt like any little thing might just set Sunggyu off. He knew he was being too careful but who wouldn't be given the start of this _relationship_.

As it got dark, he suggested they head home so Sunggyu could sleep early because they had a really busy day ahead. It was even better when Sunggyu said Jongwan could come back stage if he wanted. Jongwan wanted. He was so going to take advantage of that. The cab ride to Sunggyu's apartment was full of whispered argument.

"Don't walk me to my door."

"I'm not just going to leave you out there."

"Urgh!" Sunggyu sighed. "You've never worked me to my door before."

"Because we weren't dating before."

This stopped Sunggyu.

"We are, aren't we?" He asked and Jongwan regretted it because that felt suspiciously like pushing. he didn't want to push.

"No pressure." Jongwan added. 

Sunggyu laughed.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, hyung?"

"You're young and you're still figuring stuff out." Jongwan quoted Sunggyu.

The cab stopped and they stepped out as Jongwan paid.

"I'm figuring stuff out." Sunggyu agreed. "Fine. You can walk me to the elevator."

"Compromise." Jongwan noted. "I like it."

Only, as they entered the lobby, Sunggyu pulled him into the stairway and shut the door behind him.

"Gyu-yah-"

He stopped as Sunggyu pecked him on the lips. It was over so quickly, he didn't even know what had happened. Sunggyu stood there, staring at him. Waiting for his reaction.

"That was bold." He reached up to touch his lips.

"For good luck." Sunggyu explained.

"Really? Then we should do it right."

Jongwan held Sunggyu close and kissed him on the lips. Chastely, closemouthed, but slowly. As he withdrew, Sunggyu looked a little dazed but there was a smile on his face.

"Are you alright?"

Sunggyu hummed, nodding and unable to speak. Jongwan would pat himself on the back, if he could. But he decided to settle for leading Sunggyu out of the stairwell as he hugged him before the elevator and then left.

*********

Sunggyu smiled as he waited for the elevator, touching his lips without knowing that was what he was doing. Maybe he could handle this after all: the attention. the feelings. everything.

The doors dinged open and he stepped inside, barely noticing that there was someone else there.

"I'd take that personally if I wasn't so confident in my idol-hood." Sunggyu heard the familiar and unwelcome voice sneer as he looked at the other person standing beside him.

"Sunbae." He said, barely bowing.

"It's sunbae again." Jiyong said, leaning on the other side of the elevator.

"Weren't you going somewhere?"

"Not anymore." Jiyong pushed off the wall.

Sunggyu was just about to back away when... " _Being flustered is fuel for his fire._ "

Sunggyu smirked, turning to face Jiyong with his hands folded smugly in front of his chest. Jiyong smiled, looking like he knew what Sunggyu was trying to do.

"Cute." he commented and Sunggyu just wanted to hit him.

"What is?" Sunggyu asked.

"Your attempt at bravado. Though, I must say, it's flattering that you consider me worth the effort these days. Before, you never even engaged me. It was like you didn't even notice I was being inappropriate."

"At least you know you're being inappropriate."

"Is that a complement?" Jiyong said, placing his hands on Sunggyu's tucked forearm.

 _Wow! This really isn't working_ , Sunggyu thought.

"You really don't know how this works." Jiyong laughed. "I could show you a thing or two."

Sunggyu tried not to look at what floor they were on. He didn't want to seem eager to leave.

"Really?!" Sunggyu asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, your fake man-thing isn't going to work on me, genius. I'm a guy too."

It suddenly occurred to him that he really didn't have to stand there and struggle to banter with the king of sass. He could bow his head and leave in shame and allow Jiyong the joy in knowing that he'd traumatized Sunggyu. Again. He didn't have to win. Because he could avoid Jiyong. It wasn't so hard. He didn't have to see him again. There was really no reason to stand here and prove who was better at flirting. Because Sunggyu was horrible at it. Apparently.

He started to turn away when Jiyong took him by the shoulders and shoved him against the back of the elevator.

And Sunggyu had _had_ it.

Before Jiyong could advance on him, he took him as well and flung him at the wall, caging him in with both hands.

"Is this what you want?" Sunggyu asked, trying -but failing- to keep the anger from his voice as Jiyong cringed away in shock. "Have I _achieved_ bravado now?"

Jiyong still look startled as he licked his lips in confusion and then his eyes fell to Sunggyu's lips. Then he licked his lips again.

"Are you...?" Sunggyu asked, truly worried because he did not want to believe rough-housing Jiyong was...  _exciting_ Jiyong. "You've got to be kidding me."

The elevator dinged open on his floor and he pulled away from Jiyong as he got off, rushing to his flat. He really was going to kill Seungri the next time he saw him.

 


	7. The Dragon's Lair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings get hurt

Jiyong was glad he had found the time to make it on Friday, the second night of Pillow Talk's Debut Concert. It was almost ridiculous the amount of noise they were causing with one day behind them, but Seungri had made a good argument against Big Bang spending the night doing nothing. Seunghyun was in Japan and Daesang was MIA. Youngbae was bored so Jiyong let himself be pulled along to the show. Twenty minutes in, the beautiful head of regret began to rear as the two silly Inspirits beside him just wouldn't shut up. 

Youngbae sat and watched like the sane, normal Idol that he was but Seungri and Niel (because Seungri had insisted on sitting beside his second boyfriend's group) continued to mouth -and sometimes scream- the lyrics to the songs that PT was singing. It almost became unbearable the moment Howon got on stage for his solo. Jiyong knew fans were going to have a good day with lots of fancams that showed Teentop and Big Bang cheering PT like maniacs. He tried not to frown. He wouldn't want to look resentful and bland beside the bright light that was Seungri at the moment.

Jiyong was not very surprised by the number of idols that did show up though. The CEO of Pledis sat in front of them to the left with about half the teenagers from his newest group. A few rows behind, sat at least three SuJu members. Tablo was sitting with the rest of Epik High. Beside them were two members from Nell -the main vocalist and the guitarist but he couldn't remember names because Rock was not really his thing. Even TVXQ's Changmin was in attendance... some AOA members... the rest of APink and Infinite... Namjoon, Hosoek and Yoongi from BTS... 2pm... the noona-line from After School... Hyungseung and Dongwoon from Beast were present... Shinee, Exo, F(x), even Hyuna from 4 minutes and Sandara from 2Ne1... among a rather long list of idols that had all been given the best seats together at the front-right corner of the arena.

What surprised him was the presence of first generation artists. Lee Juno from Seo Taeji and Boys was in the front with YG, his former band mate and Jiyong had to pinch himself to remember that YG (his CEO) had once been an idol himself. Shin Hye Sung and Jun Jin from Shinwa... even Ko Jiyong from Sechskies was sitting beside Lena Park and Jiyong was pretty sure he was staring at the back of the head of Wonder Girls' former leader. If someone bombed the arena that night, South Korea would mourn forever.

Seungri said the first night had not been the same.

Woollim and Acube had pulled resources for the debut but even they hadn't been able to garner as much talk as the debut itself had caused. An hour after the first concert the night before, no one was talking about anything but PT's debut. Number 1 search in two hours and by the third hour, Jiyong was beginning to feel jealous. He needed to see what all the fuss was about. And as he stood with the rest of the audience in applause at the curtain call, Jiyong could finally see why. Off course his euphoria was dampened by Seungri and Niel whistling and crying at the same time beside him. 

Jiyong covered his ears to block them out as Youngbae just laughed and kept clapping along with everyone else.

It was as if someone had made a list of everything right with Kpop and had put it right there on the stage. They had found a way to make the songs Korean pop but with a little bit of attitude from the idols that did not make them seem plastic. The singing was loud, articulate and touching. They made each member stand out without drawing attention from the group as a whole and Jiyong did not understand how they had managed to make hetero-sexy sell without making the audience cringe or look away in shyness. If Jiyong was not present, he would have told whoever that they were exaggerating but he had been there. He had seen it... heard it with his own ears. It was amazing and he doubted there would be any Korean at home who was not watching it live, at home.

It was a good day and Jiyong did not think he could have spent his Friday evening any better.

*********

The amount of pride flowing through Kim Jongwan at the moment was too much to be contained but he was all too happy to resign himself in stroking the head of the laughing boy in his lap. From his view, sitting up straight, he could count how many strands were on Sunggyu's eye lashes and even though he could tell by the droop of Sunggyu's shoulders earlier, it was very obvious that Sunggyu was itching to go out. To do anything but lie here and let Jongwan treat him like a puppy. But he didn't complain. For whatever reason. He just lay there and watched TV as Tablo made inappropriate suggestions at the characters on the screen.

Jongwan had to admit that the night had slowly turned anticlimactic from the serious high they had achieved in the arena, earlier that evening. The rest of PT had disappeared into their own groups of friends who all wanted a piece and he was sure no other Infinite member would be home on such a night. They'd all worked hard in their different endeavors and they needed a night off. Having pulled Sunggyu away and taken him home, it was not till they were in the elevator that it occurred to Jongwan just how terrible it might be for him and Sunggyu to be left alone on such a night. All night long. He was already getting ideas. And from the way Sunggyu kept swallowing nervously and trying not to look at him, Jongwan could tell his mind was not far off from where Jongwan was.

So he ran into the bathroom and texted Tablo. Like the pussy that he really was.

Sunggyu's disappointment at Tablo's arrival was apparent but Jongwan did not think they were ready. He had tried but somehow, he could not get the horrified look of Sunggyu's face after he had first kissed him, out of his head. He tried to think of something else and every time he almost found happiness, the feel of Sunggyu, still flaccid in his hand... in his mouth was all he could remember and the probability that it might happen again was enough to press pause on whatever niceties his mind had cooked up.

"I swear, she's not even trying." Tablo hissed. "It's like she's hoping to get herself killed."

"She's the main actress, hyung." Sunggyu laughed. "She's not going to die."

"You're thinking of old movies, Sunggyu. You'll see." Tablo said and Jongwan was contemplating telling Tablo that Sunggyu had already seen the movie a million times when the door bell rang.

Sunggyu got to his feet sluggishly and disappeared into the fore-room. Seconds later, the door clicked open.

"What are you doing here?" Sunggyu asked as Jongwan heard a nervous laugh that was not Sunggyu's.

"I honestly didn't think you'd be home." The person said.

"Who is it?" Jongwan called from the sitting room. The door closed and Sunggyu reappeared, followed by a _very big problem_.

Big Bang's G-dragon entered, sliding his phone into his back pocket and all the hairs on the back of Jongwan's neck stood to their feet. He had seen the boy a couple of hours ago and this was not what he was wearing during the concert. The person before him had on shredded, skinny jeans, black leather boots, a blue silk shirt under a very dark red leather jacket. His hair was combed back but that was the extent of his calm style because his ears were full of silver studs and his eyes were lined and his lips were glossed and even from six feet away, Jongwan could smell his cologne that was soft but persistent.

This was not an idol. This was a guy out to seduce someone.

Jongwan's eyes went straight to Sunggyu who stood behind the chair Tablo was sitting on, looking a little unimpressed.

"Hyung." G-dragon said, pulling Tablo's gaze from the television as he turned around in his chair to look at him.

"What are you doing here? Sunggyu, I didn't know you were friends with my dongsaeng."

"I'm not." Sunggyu said dryly.

"He's always mean to me." Jiyong said and...

 _Was he pouting?_ Jongwan had to blink to clear the shock from his head. It was then G-dragon looked and saw him. He smiled goofily at Jongwan.

"Sunbae." He bowed 90 degrees before Jongwan and then smiled again. "I saw you at the concert."

"Hmm." Jongwan nodded, not sure what to make of the situation.

"What are you doing here?" Tablo asked again, still looking confused. "I thought you'd be out and about. Jiyong-ah, it's Friday."

G-dragon laughed shyly, covering his mouth a little.

"Ahh, that, hyung. I was hoping to drag this one out." He pointed at Sunggyu.

"I'm with hyung." Sunggyu said, gesturing at Jongwan. "I can't come, I'm sorry." he didn't sound sorry.

G-dragon turned his attention on Jongwan, his gaze shifting from playful, shy hoobae to smoldering opponent as he ached his eyebrow at Jongwan. 

 _Wow_ , Jongwan thought, tilting his head in surprise. If he was ten years younger, he might have taken the bait. But he wasn't.

"You can go out and have fun, Gyu-yah." Jongwan said, waving him off. Sunggyu looked back at him, hurt and betrayed.

G-dragon leaned in surprised, probably shocked to have won so easily.

"Wait, but hyung we were supposed to..." Sunggyu trailed off looking at Tablo and G-dragon. He walked back to where Jongwan was sitting and squatted before him, putting Jongwan's knees between his legs. "I'm leaving Seoul for tour next week, hyung." Sunggyu said imploringly, as he looked up at Jongwan and Jongwan could read between the lines. Very clearly.

"It's just one night. Go out. Drink. Have fun. I'll come by tomorrow."

Jongwan stood to his feet.

"Are we just going to leave?" Tablo asked, looking as confused as everyone else in the room.

"Let's allow the boy enjoy his night. He's a superstar." Jongwan ruffled Sunggyu's hair as Sunggyu sulked just a little.

"Fine." Sunggyu said, getting to his feet.

"I'm sorry I ruined your plans, Sunbae." G-dragon said and Jongwan was almost sure he could actually hear an apology in his voice.

"It's okay. We were heading out anyways."

G-dragon bowed again but Sunggyu was still standing in place. He looked at Sunggyu when he stood up.

"What are you still doing here?" 

G-dragon proceeded to push Sunggyu out of the sitting room, toward the rooms and from where he was, Jongwan could hear them bickering as Sunggyu tried to get Jiyong to leave so he could change.

"What the hell, Jongwan?" Tablo asked. "You want him. He wants you. What the fuck are you doing?"

"Remember what it was like when we were their age?" Jongwan asked him. "He's a twenty-something year old who just got turned. He needs to sow his oats, Tablo."

"And if he decides he wants to marry those oats?"

Jongwan looked in the direction of the room where Sunggyu was still screeching and complaining and he had to wonder what G-dragon was doing that he was not bothering to fight back. Jongwan felt a pull in his chest and for a tiny second, he was sure his heart had stopped. He had just willingly handed the love of his life over to a someone who called himself a dragon. He was not okay.

"I know what you're doing." Tablo said, picking up his car keys as they got ready to go.

"How can you?" Jongwan asked as they headed for the door. "I don't even know, myself."

*********

"What kind of club doesn't have a sign?" Sunggyu asked skeptically as he followed Jiyong through the backdoor of what he hoped was _not_ a crime ring posing as a coffee shop. 

"If you're supposed to be there, you'll know where it is." Jiyong said and Sunggyu knew he was trying to sound brilliant but he just came off as pretentious in Sunggyu's book. But if he was going to get ditched by Jongwan, he figured he may as well enjoy the ride. So he followed Jiyong down a staircase found in the backroom of the coffee shop till they came to a steel red door that looked like something out of a 70's mafia movie.

Jiyong knocked and a peephole the size of a man's head opened.

"The Dragon." The man said, sizing jiyong up and down before he looked at Sunggyu and his eyes widened in shock. "Kim Sunggyu-shi?"

The peephole closed as Jiyong gave him a funny look before shrugging. The door buzzed open as it began to slide into the wall. By the time it was half way done, it stopped and the man appeared again, this time along with the rest of his body as he bowed, showing them in.

"We're honored to have you here." He said, looking at Sunggyu.

"Stop being a ponce, you ponce."Jiyong shoved the man aside even though he refused to stop looking at Sunggyu.

As they entered the club, Sunggyu had to squint to see two feet in front of himself but not long later, he felt a hand grasp his and pull as he was urged deeper into the darkness only made more mysterious by the loud rock music blaring from the walls around them.

"What the hell is this place?" Sunggyu said, but he knew Jiyong had't heard him at all, so he just quietly followed behind till he started to notice lights up ahead. He hastened his steps to match Jiyong's and soon enough, they filed into a wider room with people and more light that Sunggyu had to adjust for a second before he noticed Jiyong smiling back at him. He noticed the music in this room was not as offensive as the last.

Sunggyu found it odd that a club would be so empty on a Friday night. There were people but the place was scanty enough that he could recognize more than a few faces.

"Sunggyu in Wonderland." He said and Sunggyu looked at him in confusion. "It's... How can you not- It's from _Kill Your Darling_." He sighed tiredly and let go of Sunggyu's hand. "Don't you watch actual movies?"

And then he was gone, lost in the tiny crowd with Sunggyu standing there in between celebrities who were giving him strange looks. He decided to take a seat because he was beginning to feel like standing in the entrance was causing everyone to look at him weirdly but even after he slid into a booth, people still kept passing and looking. And this was supposed to be an exclusive club. Sunggyu scratched at his eye brow and when he dropped his hand, Jiyong was sitting across from him with to tall glasses of something.

"Why did you bring me here if you were going to abandon me?"

"Everyone's saying Kim Sunggyu's in Parley." Jiyong said, pushing a glass in front of Sunggyu. He grinned at him as he leaned over the table to run his fingers along Sunggyu's hand. Sunggyu withdrew his hand sharply.

"What does that mean?"

"You're in Parley." Jiyong said like that made more sense. "Oh." He said. "This is Parley." He threw his hands around. "The club is called Parley."

"Why is it a big deal if I'm here?"

"Because you're the deal now." Jiyong got up and turned round, sliding in beside Sunggyu and causing him to move further in before he realized he had managed to allow Jiyong corner him again. This was becoming a habit he would very much like to break. "Everyone wants a piece of the bad, sexy PT leader."

Sunggyu laughed.

"So that's what all the staring's been about?"

"Among other things." Jiyong said enigmatically as a tall and bulky man entered the booth with them and sat, looking quite comfortable with himself. "Parley's not the kind of place people would assume an Infinite member would go to."

"Infinite?" Sunggyu could not believe Jiyong was insulting him _while_ trying to get into his pants. The nerve. "What, Parley's too exclusive for us?"

The guy on the other side of the booth laughed Sunggyu was forced to look at him.

"Not tonight, TJ." Jiyong said as the guy frowned.

"But we always share." TJ said seriously, looking at Sunggyu till he began to feel naked.

"Not in a very sharing mood am I?" Jiyong snapped and the guy withdrew, obviously hurt. He shifted out and left them alone. "I want to dance."

"Then go ahead." Sunggyu pointed in the direction of the big space at the center where he assumed the dancing took place.

"I want to dance with you." Jiyong said. "That's why I invited you here."

Sunggyu scratched his head because, somehow, he had expected a normal club where other idols where. A place were he knew the people enough to let lose and not a pretension coffee-shop basement that screamed of bad decisions.

"See, that right there?" Jiyong said. "That's why people are surprised you're here."

"Excuse me?"

"You're too prim and proper. Too... good. Everyone knows. Infinite's full of mama's boys and uptight members who pretend they don't need sex like the rest of us."

Out of the corner of his eye, Sunggyu noticed the people in the booth beside them kissing and the man's hand was very well in the woman's skirt. A brand new level to PDA.

"I'm not going to apologize for having standards." Sunggyu defended before he saw that the people behind Jiyong were slow dancing to fast music and the two men were rubbing against each other slowly but surely enough that Sunggyu had no doubt about what they were actually doing. Now that he thought of it, it was pretty strange that the club was so secluded and guarded and full of _not_ enough people. "What kind of place is this?"

And as he asked the question, an answer rang out in his head: " _But we always share_." TJ had said.

"Oh my God." Sunggyu gasped as he began to push Jiyong out of his way.

"What are you doing?" Jiyong called after him. He didn't reply as he headed for the door. "Where are you going?"

Sunggyu walked past the loud room and ignored the guard as he climbed back up the stairs and left the building. As they had come, they had to walk a while between buildings from where the taxi had dropped them off so he didn't expect any different. Soon enough, he heard a door slam shut behind him and he knew who was in his wake.

"Wait. Sunggyu. Please." Jiyong called walking up behind him to tug at Sunggyu's hand. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."

"What did you think you would achieve? Pump me with alcohol in a sex-crazed environment, then what? Hmm?" Sunggyu asked.

"I thought we'd have fun. I don't understand what the big deal is."

"The big deal is that I was peacefully in my house, Jiyong-shi." Sunggyu said as Jiyong flinched.

"Hyung." Jiyong said.

"What?" Sunggyu asked.

"You're supposed to call me hyung."

"Jesus. What is your thing with me calling you hyung? We're not close. And I can't call you sunbae anymore now that I know... that." He gestured at the coffee shop.

Jiyong moved closer to him.

"Then call me Jiyong."

Sunggyu blushed under the street light and he knew this, because he could feel the heat rising from his chest, up his neck and through his face. Why did Jiyong keep doing this? Sunggyu turned around and began walking away.

"You're my senior. I'm not going to call you by your name."

"it's one flimsy year, Sunggyu. Don't make me feel old."

Sunggyu ignored him and kept on as Jiyong followed as he had done most of the night.

"Where are you going, now?" Jyong sounded as tired as Sunggyu felt.

"Home."

"Come to mine, then."

He really was shameless. Sunggyu was still reeling from the fact that he had actually been in a sex club and people had seen him there, but that didn't matter to Jiyong. No. It was already water under the bridge.

"I'm not going to your house just so you can find another thing to try and seduce me with."

"It's around the corner from here. Come on, we can walk."

"I'm not going any-"

And the rest of the sentence was lost as Sunggyu stepped right into a deep pothole that sent him, tripping as he fell face first unto the ground. Jiyong screamed and ran to him, pulling Sunggyu up as he turned him around. Sunggyu's head hurt and for a moment, he felt rather dizzy.

"You're bleeding."

"I am?" he put his hand to his fore head but there was nothing. He was about to chastise Jiyong for lying when he felt the trickle of something wet go down his nose as he sat up. "Shit!"

Sunggyu placed his hands on the floor to try and get up as he winced in pain from the broken shards of glass that pierced through his skin.

"You're such a clutz." Jiyong said. "Let me."

Jiyong helped him to his feet and Sunggyu felt like an utter idiot.

"Will you let me take you home, now?"

*********

Jiyong turned on the alarm system the moment the door slammed shut behind them. He had never been ashamed of his house before and he was only too willing to show it off now. He took of his jacket as he ushered Sunggyu in.

On the way over, they had bought some tissues that they stuffed in his nose so Sunggyu's mouth hung open as he attempted to breathe through it.

"Sit. I'll get the first aid kit."

"What's that going to do for my broken nose?"

"It's for your palm, genius."

He smiled as Sunggyu blushed in shame.

Jiyong climbed the stairs, two at the a time till he got to his room where he entered his bathroom and took out the tiny white box from his cabinet. By the time he returned downstairs, Sunggyu was nowhere to be found.

"Sunggyu?" Jiyong called into the empty house but received no reply. "Sunggyu!" He shouted.

"In here!" Sunggyu called back from way into the house than a visitor should go.

He followed the voice past the dinning and the kitchen till he came to his studio. The door stood open and the lights were on. he could see Sunggyu from outside as he entered the room.

"How did you get in here?"

"It was open." Sunggyu said, not looking away from the wall that was once white but was now covered in colors that Jiyong had splashed all over it in the name of art. Seungri called him delusional and threatened to paint it white every time they got in a fight. "Did you do this?"

"Yep." Jiyong said in English as he put the box down on the table.

It was not a music studio but he called it so because he did all his crazy creative stuff in it. He wrote in it, he composed in it and when he wanted to paint blank canvases with random splashes, he did that in there, too. So studio just seemed to fit either way.

"It's terrible." Sunggyu said.

"Yeah, that's why you're mesmerized by it."

Sunggyu looked away from the wall, puffing.

"I'm not."

"Are too." Jiyong prodded as he pulled Sunggyu into the chair by the table and then sat on it. he took Sunggyu's hands and then opened the box as he proceeded to offload it off bandages, gauze cotton, spirit and other things. "Would you like to try it sometime? I have another room upstairs."

Sunggyu raised an eyebrow.

"i didn't mean it like that." Jiyong chided. "My God. you think all I'm about is sex."

"Well, you did just bring me to a sex club, so..." Sunggyu said and Jiyong was about to defend himself when he saw the playful look on Sunggyu's face.

"I think that's the first time you've spoken to me without meaning to hurt me."

Sunggyu shrugged but offered no further explanation.

"It's oddly therapeutic." Jiyong added when he noticed Sunggyu was staring at the wall again.

"How?" Sunggyu asked. "What depressing thing caused this havoc?" He nodded at the wall.

"I got my heart broken."

"Really?"

Jiyong was flabbergasted.

"I do have a heart, you know."

"Yeah but I suspect yours is solely for pumping blood."

"You're being mean again." Jiyong noted as began cleaning the second hand.

"What heart break?"

Jiyong had to stop and stare at it, because it was really some heart break that caused the wall in the first place.

"I had a crush on Seunghyun-hyung."

"Get in line."

Jiyong laughed, unsure when Sunggyu had become so snarky.

"It wasn't just a crush, you know?" Jiyong continued. "We were a thing for like two seconds but a thing, nonetheless."

Jiyong stopped as he began wrapping Sunggyu's hand.

"So what happened?"

"He figured out he like Daesang better. I was just more of a... a gateway drug." Jiyong shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.

Sunggyu looked up at him with something not quiet pity but well on it's way there.

"Somehow, I expected that story to end in bloodshed."

Jiyong began wrapping the second hand.

"Why?"

"Because you're G-dragon: you're fierce." he said with a weird accent that was supposed to denote fierceness. Jiyong laughed at him as he nudged Sunggyu in the head.

"That's my image, you silly boy."

"Well, your image scared Howon into dating Seungri so it's probably more than that, don't you think?"

"I'm done." He said, getting off the table so he could gather up his box. Sunggyu stood to his feet and walked back to the wall, where he stood. He was quiet for so long that Jiyong had to look up and see what was the cause of the quiet, and even though Sunggyu was standing by the wall, he wasn't looking at it.

He was looking right at Jiyong.

Jiyong's breath hitched as their eyes locked.

"You tried to intimidate me into sex and that didn't work. So you took me to a sex club and that didn't work too. And now, here we are." Sunggyu said, waving at the room. "You brought me into your diary."

"Technically, you came in here on your own."

"After you brought me to your house to 'clean my wounds'." Sunggyu raised his hands to quote at the air.

"Is it working?" Jiyong said, dropping the box on the table and walking up to Sunggyu, who didn't back away.

"I'm in love with someone else." Sunggyu said.

"I'm not trying to marry you."

"I'm still in love and it's not with you." Sunggyu reiterated as his stony gaze wavered and understanding washed over Jiyong.

"It worked, didn't it."

"Excuse me?" Sunggyu bemused.

"You want me right now. I can see it." Jiyong said, knowing he was right. He could feel it in Sunggyu's gaze and the way he kept licking his lips every two seconds.

He saw denial coming. He expected Sunggyu to back away, finally. Bring back the same bashful boy he'd come to know. But he just stepped closer to Jiyong, crowding him in the best way possible that Jiyong felt a zing of arousal run through his entire body.

"And if I do?" He asked, so close that Jiyong could feel his breath on his skin. "Are you willing to have sex with me on the chance that I might be thinking of someone else?"

Jiyong faltered.

"What?" Jiyong asked. "What?" Where had that come from?

"Because we could do this right now. I don't have to see you again, Jiyong-ah." Sunggyu said and a shiver ran through him. "We're nothing to each other any way."

But Jiyong was shaking his head and his mouth was talking before he could understand the words.

"We're not nothing. I don't want us to be nothing. We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with." Jiyong's mouth finally clamped shut when his brain caught up with it.

"And if I'm comfortable with it?" Sunggyu asked, pulling off his jacket and letting it drop on the floor beside them. "What will we do?"

He put his un-bandaged fingers on Jiyong's belt and when Jiyong inhaled in shock, Sunggyu kissed him firmly on the mouth. He heard Sunggyu moan into his lips and he parted them, allowing him passage as Sunggyu explored him, and at the same time, unbuckled his belt an began tugging at his zipper.

This was all so wrong. This was not the way he had pictured it. Sunggyu had shown up and disrupted his plans and turned him into the prey and not the predator. Jiyong didn't like it. He didn't like how off-balance he was feeling. He took a step back hoping to dislodge Sunggyu but Sunggyu just followed, pushing at him till Jiyong hit the table. Before he knew it, Sunggyu grabbed the back of his thighs and lifted Jiyong unto the table so that he was now sitting astride with Sunggyu between his legs. And in all that time, Sunggyu never stopped kissing him.

He pushed at Sunggyu's chest.

"Sunggyu, wait-" 

Sunggyu kissed him again before he could continue. As he was about to push again, Sunggyu relented.

"What do you want?" Sunggyu kept kissing him. "What should I do?" he continued. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you to want me." his mouth spoke again and Jiyong nearly died when he felt Sunggyu tense, mouth poised to kiss him but not quite, anymore.

"Well, that's not going to happen."

And with that, Sunggyu pulled away, causing Jiyong's eyes to peel in frustration as he watched Sunggyu pick up his jacket and leave.

*********

The door to the apartment closed shut and Woohyun could hear it from his room. Squinting, he looked at his phone and it read 11:58pm. He had thought Howon would be out longer but the high from the concert was probably already wearing off. Woohyun turned on his side, ready to go back to sleep as his room door creaked open.

"Woohyun-ie?" Sunggyu asked, as he dragged himself in, pulling off his shirt and sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Hyung, where have you been?" Woohyun asked, because he had checked earlier and Sunggyu's apartment was empty. He immediately felt Sunggyu was at Jongwan's and so he assumed shit was going down. If not on an endorphinated night like they had had, he did not know when else. Normal people either spent such a big night with family or with significant other.

But seeing as Eunji had left with Teentop's Changjo, Woohyun sulked his way back to his dorm. he was coming to terms with his lack of normalcy.

"Believe it or not," Sunggyu said, pulling off his socks. "I was at a sex club with Jiyong."

Woohyun groaned in disbelief.

"It's true." Sunggyu climbed into the bed with him and lay on the other edge. "I'm not lying."

"If that's true, I don't feel any better."

Sunggyu laughed.

"We didn't do anything. Don't worry. He was just being silly."

Woohyun had to sit up to look into Sunggyu's face.

"Do you sound... fond?" Woohyun asked.

"Wha... i would never. Cha! I mean, it's Jiyong. And he's disgusting and pervy."

"And hot!"

Sunggyu maid a noise of derision.

"You're still straight. Keep it in your pants."

Woohyun scoffed and laid back. They stayed for a while, looking up at Woohyun's bedazzled ceiling that Sungjong had put up as a prank but had somehow stuck.

"Just be careful, hyung."

"Aww, Woohyun-ie. Always so worried about me. Always trying to protect me." Sunggyu turned on his side and faced the window as he shimmied till he was under the blanket. "I'll be fine."

Woohyun was really not going to feel guilty that it was definitely not Sunggyu he was trying to protect.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry about this chapter. i didn't really like writing it but it had to be done because some stuff in here's pretty important. i desperately hope you enjoyed it


	8. The Day Before The Japan Concert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunggyu finds cofussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE DELAY. I'M WRITING LIKE TEN OTHER SERIES AT THE MOMENT TOO AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE BUT I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER.  
> Thank you so much for your support so far

**J.WAN: I didn’t know you were serious.**

**GYU: Why?**

**GYU: Because of the emoticon?**

**GYU: I put a serious face there, hyung.**

**GYU: Didn’t you see?**

**J.WAN: If you’re serious, use caps.**

**J.WAN: It sends a clearer message.**

**GYU: I can’t use caps on you.**

**GYU: You’re my hyung.**

**J.WAN: (smirks)**

**GYU: I didn’t mean it like that.**

**…**

**GYU: Maybe I did.**

**J.WAN: (Smirks)**

**GYU: Would you stop smirking?**

**GYU: I can’t even picture it.**

**J.WAN: Picture this…**

**J.WAN: [image]**

**GYU: WHAT THE HELL, HYUNG?!!!!!**

**J.WAN: I thought you said you won’t use caps on me.**

**GYU: Are we sexting right now?**

**J.WAN: What gave you that idea?**

**GYU: Uh…**

**GYU: The picture you just sent?**

**J.WAN: And…?**

**GYU: And what?**

**J.WAN: What did you think of it?**

**GYU: Hyung, are you not supposed to be at a meeting?**

**J.WAN: (angel face)**

**GYU: So how did you take selfie of your hands down your pants?**

**J.WAN: I’m sitting waaaaayyyyy back.**

**J.WAN: [image]**

**GYU: Hyung?!**

**J.WAN: Is this too much?**

**J.WAN: Am I pushing?**

**J.WAN: I’m sorry.**

**J.WAN: Forget I sent them.**

**J.WAN: Just go ahead and delete them.**

**GYU: Hyung, calm down.**

**GYU: It’s not too much.**

**GYU: I just didn’t expect you to be so naughty.**

**J.WAN: (smirks)**

**GYU: Oh my God!**

**GYU: would you please stop smirking?**

**J.WAN: Fine.**

**J.WAN: What do you want to do?**

**…**

**…**

**…**

**GYU: [image]**

Jongwan’s heart stopped.

He blinked at his phone but the picture didn’t disappear. It just sat there in his hand, teasing the hell out of him. Sunggyu was in his room (hotel room) standing in front of his mirror shirtless with nothing on but a pair of boxers. He’d held the phone up so it blocked the lower part of his face but everything else was visible.

And Jongwan could see it all.

Right down to the piece of happiness edging eagerly in Sunggyu’s underwear. Jongwan adjusted himself in his seat, looking around the auditorium and feeling like someone was watching him. This was a very bad idea. He shouldn’t have started something he could finish.

**GYU: [image]**

Really, now Sunggyu was just being rude. He’d uploaded another picture but this time, he was lying beneath his blanket, still shirtless, but he was holding out his boxers in his hand like a flag. BAD IDEA!

**J.WAN: You’re going to kill me.**

**GYU: You started it.**

**J.WAN: So now what?**

**GYU: I don’t know.**

**GYU: You’re the one who’s supposed to do and I follow, remember?**

**J.WAN: Now, I wish I was home.**

**GYU: Isn’t there a bathroom where you are?**

Sunggyu was right. It wouldn’t be that hard to slip out. The auditorium lights had been dimmed out and he was two rows away from the door. He could just get up and leave and only a few people might see him.

But then he’d have to brave the hallways with his aching boner, hoping no one saw.

But who would care?

But why should he have to? He should never have started this.

It was just that, Sunggyu was in Japan and he’d been gone a whole month. Jongwan was beginning to have cravings. He wanted… he just wanted. And waiting till Sunggyu got back didn’t seem like much of an option.

**GYU: Hyung?**

**J.WAN: I’m here.**

**GYU: Are you going to do anything?**

Jongwan was about to stand up when the projector went off and the lights came on brightly. People began to adjust as everyone sharpened up and Jongwan had just lost his chance to skip.

**J.WAN: I’m in the bathroom.**

**GYU: My hands are down there, hyung.**

**GYU: Please tell me something.**

Jongwan moaned quietly as he reread the text about a thousand times in ten seconds.

**J.WAN: Mine are down there, too.**

God, he sucked at this. He’d probably ruin Sunggyu’s boner with his awkwardness.

**GYU: Okay.**

**GYU: I’m not going so fast.**

**GYU: Are you?**

**GYU: Should I go faster?**

**GYU: I’m using my left hand.**

Jongwan’s phone fell and the people around him turned to look. He smiled and waved as he bent to pick it only to realize it had separated from its battery and cover. Shaking slightly, Jongwan got off his chair as he crouched low, searching beneath his chair and the one in front until he located and picked up his battery and phone cover.

He sat back and went on to reassemble the phone.

**GYU: I wish I could hear your voice.**

**GYU: I think it might help a lot.**

**GYU: hyung, are you still there?**

**J.WAN: I’m here.**

**GYU: [image]**

Jongwan pressed his lips together as he frowned, looking at the wickedness of the photo. This was so unfair.

**GYU: Send me a picture, too.**

**GYU: A very serious one I can use.**

“Oh God!” Jongwan breathed as he looked around again. No one was watching him but he felt like he was on screen somewhere.

**J.WAN: How serious?**

**GYU: Like the one I just sent you.**

How the hell was he supposed to do that?

Then he remembered he had told Sunggyu he was in the bathroom.

Jongwan was going to go to prison for this.

He licked his lips as he looked around again. Slowly and quietly, he placed the phone on the seat beside him as he unbuttoned his pants. He looked up. Then he unzipped his pants as quietly as he could even though the closest person to him was five rows ahead. When his trouser was out of the way, Jongwan pushed down his boxers as his boner popped out and he hissed just a little.

He picked up his phone again, positioned it over his dick as he held it in his left hand and then took a picture. Immediately he succeeded, he pulled up his boxers and wore his trousers back quickly still feeling the prickling at the back of his neck that told him someone was watching.

**J.WAN: [image]**

He waited.

And waited…

…and waited.

**J.WAN: Gyu?**

He received no answer and Jongwan got worried. He had done nothing wrong. Why was Sunggyu ignoring him? He was about to step out and call Japan when his phone buzzed.

**GYU: You lied.**

**GYU: You said you were in the bathroom.**

**GYU: That’s the rug in the Woollim auditorium beneath your feet.**

Jongwan sighed and began typing when another message came in.

**GYU: I’m so embarrassed right now.**

**GYU: I’m sorry.**

**GYU: I’m still figuring out this whole sexting thing.**

Jongwan cocked his head in confusion.

**J.WAN: What are you talking about?**

**GYU: When I saw your picture?**

**GYU: I could just see you in the auditorium**

**GYU: naked and … excited**

**GYU: And in public.**

**GYU: I kinda came without you, hyung.**

**GYU: I’m sorry.**

Jongwan moaned again, pressing the heel of his palm to his groin and tearing up at the awesome friction. Sunggyu was not the only one with an ability to see things that weren’t in front of him.

Jongwan didn’t even know he had been rubbing at himself till he felt a shiver wrack through him and he stiffened, glazing over in ecstasy. He slumped in the chair, breathing through his mouth as he calmed down. His phone buzzed.

**GYU: You just came didn’t you, hyung?**

**GYU: (smirks)**

**GYU: I’m not sorry anymore.**

Jongwan chuckled, shaking his head. He felt giddy and stupid. And Sunggyu was in a whole other country.

**GYU: I think we might have some latent voyeuristic tendencies.**

**J.WAN: Latent?**

**J.WAN: They seem pretty obvious to me.**

**GYU: (:**

**GYU: This was nice.**

**J.WAN: This was nice.**

**GYU: If only you’d be more like this when we’re in the same country.**

He shut his eyes as he tried not to picture the uncertain expression on Sunggyu’s face as he sent that last text.

**J.WAN: What do you mean?**

**GYU: Nothing.**

**GYU: Forget I said anything.**

**GYU: This was nice.**

Jongwan decided it would be best to just follow Sunggyu’s lead in denial on this one.

**J.WAN: I miss you.**

**GYU: I miss you.**

Jongwan frowned because that was not what he wanted to say. It wasn’t even close. But as he put his phone away, he could tell that under Sunggyu’s words, he’d meant to say the same thing too.

He’d meant to say “I love you.”

*********

Pillow Talk stayed in at a state guest house in Kyoto and for once, they didn’t have to travel very far for practices because of the large basement space beneath them. Saying that Kyoto was the most comfortable they’d been since the start of the tour was more than gratitude. It was the plainest truth. They all got to stay together and even though that meant three showers being shared between the six of them, Sunggyu found no reason to complain. He’d lived with and shared on shower with six other boys. He’d live.

After his chat with Jongwan, Sunggyu headed to the kitchen for a midnight dink of hot cocoa. He stood by the kettle, waiting for it to sizzle as he let his mind roam back to the earlier events of the evening. He could not believe they had gone that far. He did not even know what had possessed his hyung to act so freely. For a while Jongwan had become uncomfortable with him. Almost constipated. But they’d chatted and even _sexted?_ If this was growth, Sunggyu was so down with it.

He heard a door creak open and he looked in the direction in time to see Howon trying to sneak out.

Sunggyu should have seen this coming. He really should.

“What are you doing?” He asked as Howon startled and turned to face him.

“Nothing. Just going for a night walk.”

“The guards would shoot you.”

“I already made arrangeme-” Then he stopped pouting at his failed attempt to hide the truth.

“You what?” Sunggyu asked, unbelievingly. “You realize this is crazy? You’re not going anywhere.”

“Hyung, please. Please. Just for a couple of hours.”

“You know you’re going to stay longer.”

“Our flight is tomorrow night. We have twenty-four hours even. I’ll be back in time.” Howon pleaded. “Hyung, please. I just want to see my boyfriend.”

“You’ll see him when we get back to Korea.”

“You know I won’t. We’re leaving for China tomorrow and then Big Bang would be leaving the continent by the weekend. It’s proper luck that they’re just a train ride away from us. It’ll be at least two months before I see him again.”

“Howon-”

“Hyung, I missed their comeback concert.” Howon sounded sad and Sunggyu knew he was genuine. He’d mistakenly walked in on Howon watching the concert online and had had to hide and pretend he hadn’t seen Howon watching the stage and crying in the dark like a girl. His manliest member? Sunggyu never thought he’d see the day.

“We won’t be here for the concert. It’s tomorrow evening.” Sunggyu said.

“That’s why I’m only going to watch their rehearsal tonight. I promise, I’ll be back.”

Sunggyu hesitated, worrying that this was not the best thing to agree to as a leader. He was supposed to be responsible. But then he had to imagine if it was Jongwan just a city away. He’d want to go, too.

“You can come with me, hyung. Make sure I get back.”

It sounded like the better option. But his cocoa… Sunggyu stared longingly at the kettle that just sat there, unwittingly wasting his time.

“How long is the train ride?” Sunggyu inquired.

“About an hour.”

“So let’s say fifteen to the station and fifteen to get seated and that’s an hour and a half.” Sunggyu calculated. “How long will you be there?”

“Two hours. Three, tops.” Howon said.

Sunggyu considered and knew things will slip into things and three would become four so he just added four in his head. If they left now, they could be back by five thirty, get some sleep the rest of the day and be ready for their flight. This could work.

“Let me wear clothes.”

“See, unnie. I told you he’d agree.” Howon and Sunggyu looked toward the rooms to see Chorong and Bomi standing there, dressed.

“And I told you, Sunggyu-oppa would catch him.” Chorong said. “Looks like we were both right.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” Sunggyu asked.

“With you guys.” Bomi explained, strolling into the sitting room with a pair of sneakers in her hand.

Sunggyu looked at Chorong, feeling a little bit of disappointment at her lack of responsibility.

“Oh smush-wush, oppa.” Chorong pouted. “It’s Big Bang. I want to see the concert too.”

“Does one of you have a boyfriend that you want to see, too?” Sunggyu said sarcastically but he noticed the blush that tinted Bomi’s cheeks at the suggestion. Sunggyu rolled his eyes on his way to his room.

Wow! It was like herding a group of children.

Sunggyu got dressed and was done just as his hot water began to whistle and once again, he stared on wistfully at the calm night he had wrongly assumed he’d have.

“Come on, oppa.” Bomi dragged him to the door. “You’re going to make us late.”

“Shouldn’t we tell Woohyun that we’re going somewhere? I wouldn’t want him to worry.” Sunggyu said but Chorong was already on the sitting room table writing something and he knew she was leaving them a note.

“Assuming he’d care.” Howon said scoffing. Sunggyu stared at him in confusion and Howon rolled his eyes. “It’s just him and Eunji in the house. I’m pretty sure they’ll find other thinks to think about besides worry about us.”

*********

They were let into the auditorium when two of Big Bang’s staff members recognized them at the door to the arena. Sunggyu was not about to admit that they’d had to piece really shaky Japanese together to try to be understood by the guards. And even that hadn’t worked.

So, as they followed the bickering staff members into the arena, Sunggyu cursed Howon in silence. If he was home with his cocoa, he wouldn’t be feeling this way. He’d be quite fine actually, sitting in his room and over-thinking his recent mutual-joy with Jongwan. But no! Here he was, being a good, strong and easily manipulated leader.

As they entered the large space, walking in to the empty field surrounded by the arena’s structure, Sunggyu heard the unmistakably loud voice of Jiyong. He cringed as he squinted at the stage to see Jiyong facing two tall men and reaping into them in Japanese. Sunggyu could not understand what they were saying, but seeing as Jiyong continued to talk from their entrance all the way till they were close enough to see him clearly; Sunggyu didn’t doubt that he had a lot to say.

The men turned away from him and walked away, looking rather defeated.

“Youngbae-oppa.” Bomi said, clutching Sunggyu’s arm.

“Really Bomi?” Sunggyu asked. “You came here to fan-girl?”

Bomi punched him on the shoulder, averting her eyes.

The music started and Jiyong began nodding to it as he adjusted the mic hanging near his mouth. Sunggyu had never heard the song and he was going to assume that since he wasn’t in Korea during the debut concert for the album, he was about to be privy to a lot of songs he’d never heard before.

“Seungri-hyung.” Howon said, walking away from the rest of them and headed towards stage left where the rest of Big Bang were standing and watching Jiyong’s solo performance. Quietly, Bomi followed but Chorong stood behind, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Just go!” Sunggyu said and she was on her way as well.

Sunggyu watched as Howon got closer. Howon must have called Seungri out because he suddenly turned, saw Howon and ran toward him, laughing in surprise. They collided in a warm hug as Seungri loudly and theatrically pecked Howon on the cheek as Howon tried to brush him off. Sunggyu had the distinct impression that if they were not in public, things would go down a lot differently.

They turned towards him as Seungri looked at Sunggyu. Then he waved in his animated way. Sunggyu waved back.

Sunggyu’s phone buzzed.

**J.WAN: Just got home.**

**GYU: Another night of boredom, eh?**

**J.WAN: What????!!!!**

**J.WAN: I have two dramas to catch up on.**

**J.WAN: I might sleep before they’re through.**

**j.WAN: But you can’t call that a night of boredom.**

**J.WAN: What are you doing?**

Sunggyu looked up at Jiyong rocking steadily on stage.

**GYU: Feeling a little sleepy.**

**GYU: Maybe I should turn in.**

**J.WAN: I’m supposed to be the old man here.**

**GYU: No one ever called you grandpa.**

**J.WAN: You do behave older than me sometimes.**

**GYU: kkkkkkkk.**

**GYU: (rickety back)**

**J.WAN: go to sleep.**

**J.WAN: You need to wake up tomorrow.**

**j.WAN: Text me as soon as you’re leaving for the airport.**

**GYU: You don’t even have to tell me to.**

**…**

**…**

Sunggyu wondered if he should add more when his phone buzzed again.

**J.WAN: Good night.**

**GYU: Good night, hyung.**

**J.WAN: I love you.**

Sunggyu looked at the phone in his hand and blinked.

Then he pressed the power button and turned it off.

He could not believe Jongwan had texted him that. Sunggyu was so confused. The forward behavior… the flirting… the sexting… and now… Sunggyu did not know his hands were shaking until he heard footsteps sounding. He put his hands into his sweater pockets and looked up to see Seungri and Howon arriving before him.

“Hyung.” Seungri said, tilting his head in a small bow. “You came to see our rehearsals.

“Yep.” He nodded. “Jiyong is a rock star. Don’t tell him I said that.”

Seungri laughed, standing beside Sunggyu as they faced the stage where Jiyong sounded to be rounding up.

“He’s kind of a dick, though.” Sunggyu added.

“Jiyong-hyung? No, he’s a sweetheart.”

Sunggyu glanced at Seungri with an eyebrow raised.

“I just saw him rip those two men apart. He’s a monster.”

“Oh.” Seungri laughed in realization. “That’s not Jiyong-hyung. That’s Big Bang’s leader. That’s G-dragon.”

“They are the same person.”

“No, they’re not.” Howon added and Sunggyu turned to his other side to see Howon sipping yogurt from a packet with a straw. “It’s really freaky, hyung. It’s like when he’s in leader mode, he’s someone else. I’ve seen him switch and I sort of got dizzy and so confused.”

Seungri nodded.

“You get used to it. Jiyong-hyung, on a good day, he’s shy and smiley and a little manipulative but G-dragon?” Seungri scoffed. “He’s a full, power house. He’s even made Seunghyun-hyung cry before.”

Seungri laughed, clapping his hands together.

“He did not!” Sunggyu said in disbelief.

“There was this one time they had something going. I think.” Seungri stood in thought. “But then, I think Seunghyun-hyung must have said something mean to him the night before. So when he started giving orders –you know, leader style- Seunghyun-hyung told him not to bring personal business into the matter. Woohooo!” Seungri shook his head. “Wrongest move ever. By the time Jiyong-hyung was done, Seunghyun-hyung had tears in his eyes. He didn’t come to practice for two days. Even though Jiyong-hyung tried to apologize in dorm. He bought him snacks, even offered to lift Seunghyun-hyung’s diet. It was really horrible.” The smile disappeared from his face. “I can’t believe I’m even laughing about it now.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Sunggyu asked. “Isn’t it in-house gist? Wouldn’t Jiyong mind?”

Seungri pouted.

“He said he showed you his studio.” Seungri said.

“His diary? What about it?”

“If he let you in that far, there’s not much else Jiyong-hyung would ever hide from someone like you.”

Before Sunggyu could ask Seungri to elaborate…

“SEUNGRI!!!” Jiyong shouted into the mic and all three of them looked up at the stage to see that all the other Big Bang members were on stage and Jiyong was looking for Seungri. Daesung said something and Jiyong turned around and squinted in the field but Sunggyu knew he wouldn’t be able to see anything. Jiyong snapped his fingers at someone and then pointed at them. Soon, a big flood light was pointing in their direction, causing all three of them to look away. “Seungri, you have two minutes to get on this sta-“ Jiyong stopped, squinting at them. “Sunggyu-shi?”

 _Sunggyu-shi_? Sunggyu thought. _Since when_?

“What are you doing here?”

“WE CAME TO SEE YOUR PRACTISE!” Sunggyu yelled back but he didn’t think Jiyong would hear.

“You can’t disrupt practice.” Jiyong said, politely but formally. “Seungri needs to work. Howon-ah, if you want to wait for us to be over, that’s fine but you have to be quiet. You too, Sunggyu-shi.”

“OKAY!” Sunggyu and Howon shouted back at the stage as Seungri jugged away from them.

“How come you’re Howon-ah and I’m Sunggyu-shi?”

Howon smirked.

“I’m dating his precious maknae. At this point, I’m almost like a son-in-law.” Howon sipped his yoghurt. “I’m pretty sure if I ever called him aboji, he’d answer.”

*********

Jiyong waited five whole minutes after he clearly announced that practice was over and that everyone could go home.

Five minutes.

He’d been counting. It wasn’t long after his announcement that Howon was bounding up to the stage to lobe around Seungri like Seungri was too important. Jiyong delayed on the stage, signing last minute details and making arrangements that had staff sighing because, really, he could do all this in the morning.

By the time the sixth minute ran its course, Jiyong decided he couldn’t wait any longer. Seunghyun and Daesung had left first. Seconds before, the girl rapper from PT, Cherin or something, had bothered Seunghyun into a signature on the back of her jacket. Daesung had laughed and offered his own, which she had let him sign –much smaller- at the left corner of the front as well. Youngbae was flirting with the other PT girl and not long after, Jiyong couldn’t find them anymore. Seungri and Howon were missing and he didn’t have to guess what they were doing. But where the hell was Sunggyu?

Jiyong got off the stage and began throwing his stuff in his bag as his manager waited. As he headed out, resigned to the fact that Sunggyu hadn’t come to see him, he saw Sunggyu leaning against the wall with his phone pressed to his ear. Jiyong needed to be cool. But he also needed to take that way out. So he took a deep breath and began to move.

As he got closer and passed Sunggyu…

“Jiyong?”

Jiyong turned around to see Sunggyu holding the phone away from his ear and covering the mouth piece. But that did not stop whoever was on the other side from screaming so loud that Jiyong could hear.

“Are you leaving?” Sunggyu asked.

“Is that on speaker?” Jiyong asked.

Sunggyu looked down at the phone.

“No. He’s really yelling.” Sunggyu answered.

“Who is it?”

“Our manager. He wants to know where we are.” Sunggyu frowned at the phone. “He’s been doing that for half an hour.”

_Well…_

“When are you guys planning to leave?” Jiyong asked.

Sunggyu looked at the time on his phone.

“In about two hours. The ride back is an hour and a half so…”

“More than enough time then.”

“Jiyong, we need to go.” Jiyong’s own manager said, coming back to stand with them.

“No, you need to go.” Jiyong told him, nodding in the direction of the door. “You can leave the driver here and go back with someone.”

His manager shrugged and left as Jiyong turned around to face Sunggyu in all earnestness.

“So…” Jiyong said. “Ice cream?”

“Jiyong, it’s almost two o’clock.”

“It’s one thirty. Don’t exaggerate. Besides, it’s just ice cream.” Jiyong looked up at him. “I’m not trying to get you drunk this time.”

Sunggyu stood, thinking so hard that Jiyong could hear his thoughts.

Wait… he could hear his thoughts… oh! He looked down at Sunggyu’s hand to see his phone where the manager was still screaming his lungs out. Jiyong stretched out, took the phone and cut the call.

“What the fuck?!” Sunggyu said, eyes widening in terror. “You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“You’re a vet-idol now. Managers can’t treat you like a rookie anymore.”

Jiyong turned around and headed for the parking lot as Sunggyu was forced to follow.

“He’ll make my life hell at the next tour venue. I’ll have guards everywhere.”

“Then make a stand.” Jiyong said, facing Sunggyu as Sunggyu walked right into his face and had to back up a step. “You’re not a kid anymore. They need to stop treating you like one.”

*********

They sat in front of the television at Jiyong’s hotel room, eating ice cream and watching Japanese movies with subtitles and the volume completely turned down.

Jiyong tried to concentrate on the movie but every few seconds, his eyes wandered, following the bob of Sunggyu’s Adam’s apple, the way his lips clasped the spoon as it cleaned off the ice cream, the tilt of his head when he thought a character was being ridiculous. Jiyong could watch him all night long. But as Sunggyu kept reminding him, they had to leave in an hour and thirty minutes.

Sunggyu laughed as he turned and caught Jiyong staring. Jiyong didn’t even blink. He just smiled and kept on and Sunggyu had to look away.

“About this boyfriend of ours,” Jiyong started and he felt Sunggyu grow tense. “How are things going?”

“None of your business.”

“Oh, I’m making it my business.” Jiyong said, taking the remote and switching off the television. “I’m curious. Was it the silver fox I saw in your apartment on the night of your debut?”

“Silver…?” Sunggyu asked. “He’s thirty seven.”

“He’s not in our generation.”

“Will you stop?”

“If you tell me what’s wrong with you guys.”

Sunggyu narrowed his eyes at Jiyong.

“Nothing is wrong with us.” Sunggyu said.

“Really? Because if I was in love with a guy and he was in love with me, why would I need to sex someone else?” Jiyong asked, tapping a finger on his chin.

“I don’t need anyone else.” Sunggyu said, sounding like a stubborn child in denial.

“Not what it looked like in my apartment.” Jiyong teased. “You were all fired and ready to _take_ me.” Jiyong smirked.

“Things have changed since then.”

 _Really?_ Jiyong thought.

“So you’re having sex now?”

“I’ve been on the road for a month. Not much sex happening is there?” Sunggyu sounded angry.

“Grazed a nerve.”

“Not really.” Sunggyu returned to eating his ice cream and Jiyong felt distracted for a second.

“Not to sound like a broke record trying to get with you but-”

“You do sound like a broken record.”

“And you deserve better.” Jiyong said. Sunggyu leaned away, looking at Jiyong like he was trying to figure him out.

“I know what this is.” Sunggyu said. “You’re curious. You’re determined.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You just want to see how long I’ll say no before you toss me away.”

“News flash: you already said yes. In my apartment. And I’m not trying to toss you away.”

“Then what are you trying to do?” Sunggyu was on his feet. “What do you want from me? I’ve told you… you know I love someone else. So what is this? Why do you always want to talk me into sex?”

Jiyong looked up at Sunggyu.

“Why did you come here Sunggyu?”

“Why do we always have to fight?”

“Because that’s how you convince yourself that you don’t want me.”

And Jiyong hated how weak he sounded the moment the sentence left his mouth. But he couldn’t stop. Just like he never can when Sunggyu is in the room.

“That’s how you tell yourself that I mean nothing so that when you do say yes –and believe me, you will- you can run off and be with what’s-his-name and not feel guilty.”

“But you mean nothing to me.” Sunggyu said. Jiyong could not deny the calm truthfulness in those words. It might have hurt just a little. “I’m not in denial. I pride myself on being eerily aware and I can say this with certainty: Jiyong, I do not have feelings for you. Yes, I find you attractive. Yes, I wouldn’t mind having sex with you. But honestly? I do not love you. I barely even like you.”

“Then why did you come here?” Jiyong asked, moving to the edge of the seat and clasping his hands between his knees.

“To make sure Howon got home on time.”

“That’s why you waited for me at the arena?”

“I wasn’t going to go back with Howon and Seungri, was I?”

“Nothing to do with wanting to see me? Is that why you flinched when I called you “Sunggyu-shi”?”

He stared down at Jiyong looking confused but Jiyong could tell it was sinking in. Whatever barriers Sunggyu had erected, they were all quivering right before his eyes.

Jiyong placed the tub of ice cream on the ground as he stood to his feet. He saw Sunggyu gulp, fighting to stand in place or flee. But Jiyong had the upper hand. And he was not about to lose it.

“You’re new to this. There’s so much you don’t get.” Jiyong took the quiet and stunned Sunggyu by the collar and tossed him on the couch. “So many feelings you’re misunderstanding.” Jiyong climbed into Sunggyu’s lap, pulling his hands around him as Sunggyu let his hands rest on Jiyong’s hip. “What you think is hate, is just another space in your mind that I occupy.” He leaned in close, grazing his lips over Sunggyu’s. “When you see me and you think there is a roiling in your belly? It might be anything but disgust. You’ll _never_ be sure.”

Jiyong rolled his hips against Sunggyu and Sunggyu hissed, eyes steadfast on Jiyong as if he was too entranced to speak but at the same time, suspicious of Jiyong’s actions. He was probably right to be. But Jiyong needed this to not be only about sex.

He needed to be a little deeper than skin.

He kissed Sunggyu, frotting against him again as Sunggyu gripped at his hips. Jiyong wanted to laugh but this was too serious an occasion to make light.

“I read about you two.” Jiyong whispered in Sunggyu’s ear as he started to rub to a rhythm. “After you left my house saying you’d never want me? I googled you. Googled him. Saw the adoration in your eyes. He’s all you’ve ever really seen, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“So you won’t recognize new feelings when they hit you, would you?”

“I… uh…” Sunggyu moaned and gripped Jiyong so hard, Jiyong was expecting to bruise real nice in the morning.

“Have you gone this far?” Jiyong asked as Sunggyu moaned, leaning his temple on Jiyong’s chin and rutting up into Jiyong as well. “Eh? Sunggyu. Have you done this yet?”

“No.” He sounded wrecked and Jiyong couldn’t blame him. If he continued this course of action, they were about to make like teenagers and mess up their clothes.

“So if we do this,” Jiyong grunted. “I’ll be your first?”

“Yes.” Sunggyu admitted, nodding against Jiyong’s chin.

“And you say I mean nothing.” Jiyong said, reaching between them to clutch Sunggyu’s dick through his pants. Sunggyu gasped, letting his head loll to the back as it hit the couch. “I’ll be the first man to fuck you and yet I’ll mean nothing?” Jiyong asked.

Sunggyu needed to know. He needed to understand.

“Hyung… please.” Sunggyu said and Jiyong nearly came from hearing Sunggyu call him “hyung”.

“Yes! Call me hyung.” He said before he shouted. “SAY IT!”

“Hyung.” Sunggyu said obediently.

Immediately, Jiyong lifted himself from Sunggyu as Sunggyu lifted his head up in confusion, holding unto Jiyong tightly.

“Jiyong-hyung… don’t do that.” Sunggyu looked so vulnerable beneath him and Jiyong just knew how this was going to go. It would never be once. It would never be enough. He was going to take and take till Sunggyu had nothing else to give.

“You can’t come.” Jiyong said. “Not yet.” His hands reached for Sunggyu’s pants as he began to drag it down. “Not until you’re inside me.”

Sunggyu needed to know.

Jiyong needed him to know.

This was not about sex at all.

It had always been about feelings.

And right now? Jiyong had all the power.

 


	9. The Elevator Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongwan and Sunggyu break up while Sunggyu and Jiyong have their first real conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please try not to hate me

Woohyun would admit to anyone that he’d had a lot on his mind in the beginning of their tour. And though that never really stopped him from keeping his head in the game in the past, Woohyun could not believe that he had let so much go past him that presently, he berated himself for not seeing their predicament from a mile away.

The moment the sulking and the zoning out resumed, Woohyun snapped out of his own daze to find their leader behaving much like he had done during Infinite’s tour earlier in the year. He was with them but his mind was hardly ever there. And the few times he managed to go out with them to explore the city, he just followed behind, lost in his head and not bothering to be part of conversations.

So Woohyun stepped into his leader shoes that were quickly becoming over-used due to the fact that Infinite and PT now had a leader with an almost permanent psychological problem. The time he was going to use to do his own sulking about Eunji and her own issues, he had to spend it doing leaderly things. And really, he should have known it was all too good to be true when Sunggyu went from depressed to okay in a day.

Howon was another strange occurrence at the time. The first time Sunggyu had found his funk, Howon had been intolerable and properly judgmental. He’d refused to baby Sunggyu’s issues and the one time he was left alone with Sunggyu, Infinite had returned to find Howon shouting on a dormant Sunggyu who didn’t even seem to know there was someone else in the room with him.

Now, however, Howon was almost dotting. He catered to Sunggyu and followed him around like a puppy as if he expected Sunggyu to break any second. Woohyun thought it was awfully strange because even though Woohyun suspected some tiny amount of hero-worship on Howon’s part, he was never one to indulge someone of their stupidity: not even if you were his leader.

When Woohyun decided he wanted answers and was ready to get in the loop, he invited himself into Howon’s room and shut the door behind him.

“What’s going on with Sunggyu-hyung?” He asked as a sleepy Howon lazed back to his bed. They were finally done with the Continental Tour and the next day, they would be on a flight back to Seoul. That was why Woohyun felt he could have this discussion now.

“What do you mean?” Howon said, falling face-first unto his bed.

“He’s been behaving strange for a while.”

Howon turned around and put his hands behind his head.

“Strange how?”

Woohyun raised his eyebrows as he looked at Howon, unimpressed.

“Don’t waste my time. I know you know what’s going on so talk to me.”

Howon looked unmoved.

“Aren’t you supposed to know already? Thread to his needle and all that.”

It was times like these that Woohyun pictured a happy, serene meadow, void of distraction and other people. Where he could just take Howon there, peacefully and punch him till he died and then Woohyun would just keep punching because… you know… it’s Howon and even his death might just be sarcasm and not real.

“I’m not joking with you, Howon.”

“Is that your leader voice?”

“Well, we can’t all slack off and skype our boyfriends all night and pretend like everything is okay when leader is falling apart now can we?

Howon glared at Woohyun and he whooped in joy on the inside for striking that barely revealed nerve that was Seungri in Howon’s life.

“I’m not supposed to say.” Howon said, sitting up.

“Say anyway.”

Howon looked up at Woohyun as he sighed.

“I left him with Jiyong when I went with Seungri.”

“When you guys went to see Big Bang?” Howon nodded. “In Japan?” Howon nodded again. “I knew it!” Woohyun said, angrily. “He never listens to me. Every time, this same thing happens. It’s like we’re stuck in a loop. He’s gone and done something to Jiyong now and he’s dying of guilt again.”

Howon stood, looking confused.

“No, he didn’t…” Howon regarded Woohyun again. “What are you talking about? Sunggyu-hyung isn’t at fault. He didn’t do anything.”

Wait…

“Then why does he look like that?”

“Because Jiyong-hyung is toying with him.” Howon finally said, sighing heavily. “At least that’s what Seungri said. I don’t know.”

“What?” Woohyun sat beside Howon. “What’s really going on, Howon? If Sunggyu is in trouble, I have to know.”

Howon looked at Woohyun sadly.

“The truth is, we don’t even know for sure. Seungri was sure before that it was all just some big joke to knock Sunggyu-hyung down a notch.”

“And now?” Woohyun prodded.

“He’s not sure. He said Jiyong-hyung is usually pretty open about his conquests but for some reason, he won’t talk about Sunggyu-hyung. Not as much as others.”

“Then maybe he’s not toying with him.” Woohyun sounded pissed… angry even. Howon looked at him in concern but Woohyun didn’t even care. He hissed. “I knew something like this would happen. GOD!”

Woohyun stood his feet, pacing angrily and confusing Howon.

“I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

“This is what he does? This is how he operates. And yet somehow, everyone else comes out looking like the bad guy.”

“What are you talking about Woohyun?”

“Sunggyu-hyung.” Woohyun stated harshly as he stopped to look at Howon so fiercely that Howon backed away an inch. “Do you know what happened?”

“I’m not sure. Why?”

Because with Sunggyu, nothing is ever so simple anymore. There’s always one complication after another. How could Woohyun have been so irresponsible? He was supposed to be watching Sunggyu. He knew his hyung was still in a bad place. He should never have let him out of his sight.

“Why do you sound like you’re mad at him? He’s the victim here, you know?”

And there’s that word. _Victim._ It was like people couldn’t see straight with Sunggyu. Everyone assumed he was so soft, so easy, so bendable. And Woohyun knew Sunggyu had managed to convince himself of that much. But Woohyun knew his hyung. More than he knew anyone else. After years of living and breathing and knowing each other, how could he not.

“It doesn’t even matter. Sunggyu-hyung would get over Jiyong, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Sunggyu-hyung is dating Jongwan-hyung.” Woohyun said and Howon’s mouth hung open. “It’s quite recent but it’s true-”

“Excuse me. Rewind.” Howon said. “Sunggyu and Jongwan-hyung?”

“Yes.”

Howon sat for a while, deep in thought.

“Explains a lot, actually.” Howon said still thinking. “But if that’s true… you don’t think… I mean… maybe nothing happened in Japan?”

“Look at how he’s been behaving. Doesn’t that look like guilt to you?”

“It looks like how he was earlier this year.” Howon noted.

“And that was guilt too.” Woohyun stated as Howon narrowed his eyes at him.

“Do you know what that was about? Earlier this year?”

“I’ll see you later.” Woohyun said, dodging the question and leaving the room with an angry and bemused Howon in his wake.

He knocked on Sunggyu’s door twice before it clicked open. As he entered, he was met by an anxious looking Sunggyu who rubbed at his nose that was already red and looked like he had been crying for a while.

“Do you need something?” Sunggyu asked. “Are you packed and ready for our flight tomorrow?”

“Yes, hyung. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“Why are you here?” Sunggyu said, picking up his IPod and turning it off as he tossed it unto the bed and sat.

“What happened in Japan?” Woohyun jumped right in.

“Japan? What are you talking?”

“With Jiyong? When you guys went to see Big Bang?”

Sunggyu looked at him, blinking slowly.

“That’s none of your business, Woohyun.”

_Why, this ungrateful…_

“Do you know,” Woohyun began angrily. “How many times I have had to pick you up after one of your stupid sulking cycles?”

“What did you just say to me?”

“I have grown accustomed to your bullshit to the point where it’s second nature to glaze over it till you snap out of your bullshit-”

“Woohyun!” Sunggyu snapped.

“But if you’re going to fuck PT up because of rubbish, you best tell me now before I get invested. I already have Infinite to worry about. I don’t need a second child with an irresponsible father.”

“Do you know who you’re talking-”

“Just shut up, hyung.” Sunggyu’s eye brows rose in anger and shock but Woohyun just kept going. “I knew something like this would happen. You spend all that time focused on someone and it’s not long before we’re cleaning up your mistake.”

“I didn’t make any mista-”

“Did you fuck Jiyong?” Woohyun asked bluntly.

“Woohyun-”

“Answer me, hyung. I need to know what I’m dealing with. Did you cheat on Jongwan-hyung?”

Sunggyu sat on his bed heavily as he nodded and Woohyun nearly lost it.

“This is what- you need to learn to control yourself more, hyung.”

“Me?” Sunggyu asked. “He’s the one who tried to seduce me all over Seoul.”

“And I’m assuming he dragged you out of Kyoto too.”

“Not when you put it like that.”

“You need to control yourself.”

“What do you mean when you say that?” Sunggyu asked, looking at Woohyun.

Woohyun had to sigh and sit beside his stupidly oblivious leader. He always knew Sunggyu was naïve on some level but there was a time he suspected Sunggyu knew what he was doing.

He wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Hyung, you hardly notice people. In fact, most of the time, you’re kind of… aloof.”

“Yeah, so?”

“When you do pay attention? It’s sometimes, really intense.”

“We’re all intense, Woohyun. We’re idols.”

Woohyun shook his head.

“It’s the thing you do. I can’t explain it. It’s just that when you focus on someone… it’s easy to misunderstand. I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

Woohyun got up from the bed because it was beginning to become apparent that he was about to take leader to school.

“Before we debuted, I thought you hated me.”

“I did.”

“But that was before you started passing snide comments at my performance and saying things that just…” Woohyun grunted in recovered anger. “I wanted to kill you sometimes. It was so aggravating. It was like I couldn’t escape you. Everywhere I turned; there you were, saying something negative. But then I realized you weren’t doing it to anyone else. It was just me. And somehow, my brain took that to mean that you… had feelings for me.”

“What?” Sunggyu looked at him as if he was crazy. “Why would you think that?”

“Because of how you are. You don’t do anything straight forward. Even your hate doesn’t seem like hate. You might not even know what you’re doing but when you focus that much on us mere mortals, we tend to take it to mean something. You do it all the time when you worship Jongwan-hyung. You did when you decided to tease Naeun about her crush.” Sunggyu frowned. “I’m not judging you. I’m trying to draw you a pattern here. It’s what you do and maybe that’s who you are, but you can’t keep leading people along in the way that you are and then expect them to handle their feelings for you without expecting something in return. I hear the way you complain about Jiyong and yet, you don’t avoid him. I can only imagine what it’s like when you two are in the same room. It probably looks like serious hate-foreplay.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Sunggyu sounded unsure.

“You two had sex. I’m not sure you have a very strong argument right now.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“Then I’m sure you won’t have a hard time explaining that to Jongwan-hyung as soon as we get back.”

Sunggyu’s eyes nearly feel out of their socket.

“You can’t expect me to-”

“Rip the bloody band aid off because you and I know you’d tell him eventually. Deal with this as soon as possible so that you can get your head back in the game. Infinite may have survived you earlier this year but I don’t know if PT’s old enough to.”

Woohyun began heading out of the room before he remembered something and turned back to Sunggyu.

“Please try not unintentionally flirt with anyone else between now and then, hyung. God knows we already have too much to contend with.”

Woohyun left the room after that, not sure if he had managed to help or if he had just succeeded in digging their leader a much deeper hole.

*********

“You’re freaking me out.” Jongwan said, smiling even though he knew it was nothing to be happy about.

Everything had changed between them since he’d said “I love you” and Jongwan did not know what to do about it. He could not exactly take it back. That would be just tacky. And besides, he was glad he’d put it out there. Sunggyu needed to know how he felt.

But if Jongwan was honest, he would admit that it had hurt just bit not to be reciprocated.

He wasn’t honest.

So he laughed about it with Tablo, ignoring Tablo’s sad eyes. And then pretended Sunggyu’s silence for the remaining two weeks of the tour was mutual. If he was going to think about it too much, he might just break down and cry. Or worse yet, leave embarrassing voicemails which, at this point, he felt was probably the only way he was going to actually say anything honest to Sunggyu.

“I’m sorry.” Sunggyu said, looking up at him. “I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“Not a problem.”

He’d been working that day when Sunggyu had brought him lunch. Again. It had become some sort of ritual in the month since PT’s return from their tour. Sunggyu did it all the time now but he would just show up and sit there in silence stewing as if there was something he needed to say but didn’t know how.

Jongwan faced his laptop again as Sunggyu shifted to the edge of his seat. He continued to work, feeling Sunggyu’s gaze bore into the back of his head. Maybe this was Sunggyu’s way of working himself up to say the words back. Maybe he needed a while process. Maybe he was afraid Jongwan would-

“I had sex with Jiyong.”

Jongwan choked as he swallowed his tongue.

“It was when we were in Japan.” Sunggyu continued. “It was nothing. I don’t even like hi-“

“Please stop…” Jongwan said through his instant sore throat. “Stop talking.”

He needed to gather his wits or he was going to lose his SHIT! And that was not what needed to happen at the moment. So he took deep breathes, still looking at his laptop screen even though all he could see was red.

“Was it because I refused to have sex with you?” Jongwan asked quietly.

“You’re not at fault, hyung.” Sunggyu said.

“Then why?”

“There’s no excuse-”

“I need to know why.” Jongwan insisted.

“I was being selfish.” Sunggyu said.

“That’s not a real reason.”

“It’s all I have.”

Jongwan turned at last to look at Sunggyu who was looking a little apprehensive and scared.

“One time?” he asked. “Was it the one time?”

“Yes. It will never happen again.”

Jongwan’s hand shivered a little as he pressed his lips together, nodding.

“Okay then.” He turned back to his laptop, willing himself to see straight. He needed other colors back besides red. He needed to be able to read words too. Reading words at the moment would be rather nice.

“That’s it?” Sunggyu asked. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

“You confessed. You’re sorry. You’ll never do it again.” Jongwan said as steadily as he could. “That’s a recipe for forgiveness if you ask me.”

“Why?” Jongwan could be mistaken but he thought he could hear a distinct sound of anger in Sunggyu’s tone. He could be wrong.

“We don’t have to rehash it.”

Jongwan barely had the words out of his mouth before he heard a loud, seething hiss erupt from behind him as Sunggyu stood his feet, pacing agitatedly in the studio.

“I knew you’d do something like this.” Sunggyu accused.

“Something like what?”

“I know what this is. How can we have a relationship when all you’ll ever do is in penance?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how you’re going to keep letting me do things like this to you just so you feel like you’re… you’re worthy of me.”

“Excuse you-” Jongwan began bit was cut off.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE THING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE!” Sunggyu shouted and Jongwan was a little taken aback. “If we’re going to do this, we have to be equal. You reserve the right to be mad if I misbehave. You can’t keep acting like a saint whenever I do bullshit.”

“Is that the real reason you had sex with him?” Jongwan asked.

“What?” Sunggyu blinked in confusion.

“Did you sleep with him so that we could get even? So that I could be mad at you and work out whatever “sainthood” you think I’ve got going? Hmm? So that we could be “equal”?”

“I didn’t… what are you talking about?” Sunggyu asked.

“I admit,” Jongwan faced him. “That I may have been over-doing the penance thing but can you blame me? I molested you. It’s not supposed to be okay.”

“But it is.” Sunggyu said, kneeling between Jongwan’s legs as he took Jongwan’s hands in his.

“It’s not. But even then, if I didn’t have that on my conscience, I still wouldn’t be mad at you because, as I’ve just said, you confessed. If anything, it makes me love you more. How many people-”

“You can’t be okay with this?”

“You’re okay with what I did. Why wouldn’t I be okay with this?”

“Because it was pay back.”

“So I was right?”

“That’s not,” Sunggyu grunted in anger. “That’s not what I meant. How are you so calm about this?”

“You want me to get mad about it?”

“YES!” Sunggyu said loudly as he sighed.

“But I’m not.”

Sunggyu sighed again but this time, it sounded exasperated as he got to his feet ad began pacing again.

“I can’t do this.” Sunggyu finally said, placing his hands on his hips as he turned to face Jongwan.

“You can’t do what?”

“Now I feel indebted to you.”

“Wasn’t that the point?”

“Oh my God! You are so frustrating? Normal people fight. Jiyong and I always fight and we-”

Something snapped in Jongwan.

“I’m sorry I’m not Jiyong.” Jongwan said sternly and Sunggyu stopped as he realized what he’d just said.

“I didn’t mean-”

“Yes, I know. For some reason, today, you seem to lack a filter that would usually stop you from spouting things that you _do not mean_.”

“Hyung-”

“I am not a kid, Sunggyu. If you’re looking for hot and angry and full of negative feelings, you won’t find that with me. If that’s what you’ve found in Jiyong, well then, by all means, be my guest.” He gestured at the door. “But don’t come in here and belittle my feelings because you feel I don’t meet up to the standards of “normal people”.”

Once again, Jongwan turned back to his laptop. Without thinking, he put his fingers to the keyboard and suddenly, his eyes cleared and he could see well again. So he just started writing, not sure where he was going or what he was trying to say.

If he heard the door to the studio slam shut, Jongwan gave nothing away.

*********

Sunggyu arrived at his apartment building solely on auto pilot. He couldn’t even remember taking a cab or was it the company van? All he knew was that one moment he was leaving the studio and the next second, he was getting off the elevator on his floor.

As his brain settled, he stepped back into the elevator, realizing he didn’t want to be in his apartment alone. That was just a nice way to relapse into… whatever the hell had been doing him these past months.

So he got back to the ground floor and stationed himself at the bar where the tender nodded at him and got him his regular glass of alcohol-he-never-drank. He really needed a real vice these days. Woohyun had ousted him to the CEO about his unaided boxing and everything else just seemed silly. What he needed was a proper distraction because he really didn’t want to sit alone and brood.

Someone slid into the sit beside him.

“I’m fine, Woohyun.” Sunggyu said, dropping his head on the bar.

“Good.” Not Woohyun said. “Maybe you can explain the silent treatment.”

Sunggyu raised his head to find Jiyong looking at him.

Which couldn’t be because he was supposed to be in America. Or was it Europe?

“What are you doing here?” Sunggyu looked around, expecting to find Seungri behind him so as to verify that Sunggyu was not just imagining Jiyong sitting right here beside him.

“We’re done with the tour.” Jiyong said curtly.

“You’re supposed to be done in two weeks. Howon keeps talking about it.”

“Concerts are done. It’s mainly fan meets in cities and I think they can handle that without me.”

Sunggyu leaned over and poked Jiyong in the cheek because, maybe, his depression had taken a brand new turn. Maybe he could go upstairs ad find the doctor’s number Naeun gave him and give her a call. Maybe after weeks of worrying about Naeun, Jongwan was the one who would finally make Sunggyu go crazy.

“What are you doing?” Jiyong asked ducking away from Sunggyu’s intruding finger.

“Are you really here?”

Jiyong’s face dissolved into a very besotted smile.

“Have you been dreaming about me?” Jiyong asked.

“Why would you skip out on work?” Sunggyu asked, more to himself.

“You have been dreaming about me.” Jiyong said sounding satisfied.

“Only with an axe in your hand.” Sunggyu replied as Jiyong smiled even more. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“I lost my phone.” Sunggyu lied and Jiyong’s eye dropped to the phone sitting beside his glass on the bar. “I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“Why?” Jiyong asked. “Did you not like it? What we did?”

He looked so uncertain that there was no way he was Jiyong. Sunggyu poked him again.

This time, Jiyong smacked his hand away. The bruise he got cleared all his doubts.

“I don’t know why you’re still here, Jiyong.” Sunggyu faced his drink. “You got what you wanted.”

“And what was that?”

“We had sex. It’s done with.”

“That’s not all I-”

“Right.” Sunggyu vented. “You want my feelings too. How could I forget that vital part?”

Jiyong looked at him guiltily.

 “I’m not really in the mood for this.” Sunggyu said.

He stood to his feet as he tossed a bill on the bar and took his phone. Jiyong nodded at the bar tender and followed Sunggyu out.

“Talk to me, Sunggyu.” Jiyong said quietly. “Please.”

“Now I know you’re not real.” Sunggyu said as he passed the doors leading out of the bar and headed for the elevator. “You should go. Really.”

“I’m not leaving till you talk to me.”

Sunggyu stopped as he pressed the button and turned to Jiyong.

“You want me to love you, right? That’s what you kept saying. I guess I was a fool to just believe your power play was healthy enough to only be about power. But you just needed me to bare my soul to you… feel something for you. Well guess what, I do feel something. Too bad it isn’t what you wanted.”

The doors opened and he stepped but just as it was about to close, Jiyong jumped in too as Sunggyu’s eyes widened in horror. He was about to leave as Jiyong held him back and the doors slid shut before them. Sunggyu wrenched his arm out of Jiyong’s grasp.

“Can we talk without fighting just once?” Jiyong pleaded. “I didn’t know I was saying those things out loud.”

“And that makes it okay? I told you how I felt. But you just had to prove a point. Show me that you could make me whatever you wanted.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it like?” Sunggyu asked.

When Jiyong didn’t answer, Sunggyu pressed his floor number but Jiyong shifted him aside and pulled the red lever, causing the elevator to halt to a stop and Sunggyu’s eyes widened in shock.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sunggyu said, trying to get to the lever but Jiyong blocked him.

“I didn’t- I wasn’t trying to manipulate you.”

“Oh. Off course not.” Sunggyu looked at the camera in the corner.

“I like you.” Jiyong said and Sunggyu’s gaze slide back to him.

Sunggyu’s brain stumbled as Woohyun’s words from a while ago filtered through his mind.

_“I can only imagine what it’s like when you two are in the same room. It probably looks like serious hate-foreplay.”_

 

“Wh-what are you saying?” Sunggyu stammered. Was Woohyun right? Jiyong couldn’t possibly-

“I like you. That’s what I’m saying.”

“You’re lying.”

“Does it look… do you think I abandoned my tour for a quick lay? Do you know how exhausting it is to feel this way?” Stunned, Sunggyu sits on the floor as Jiyong continues to rattle on overhead. “It’s been a while I’ve been in love but COME ON! Is it supposed to be this tiring or is it just you?” Jiyong is pacing now from wall to wall. “Nothing about you is easy. It’s always a fight or a confrontation and it always-always takes up so much time. Time that I don’t even freaking HAVE, I might add. Do you know how many times my group mates had to snap me out of my mind because we were WORKING and I was somewhere else? BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING TAKE MY CALLS!” Jiyong shouted and Sunggyu flinched, looking up at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout.”

“I deserve it.” Sunggyu conceded as Jiyong sat on the floor opposite him.

“Are you as messed up about this as I am?” Jiyong asked, tugging at his hair absentmindedly.

“I think Jongwan and I broke up.”

Jiyong glanced at him with a mixture of joy and pity.

“Look at you: breaking hearts left and right.”

“It’s not funny.” Sunggyu said.

“I’m not smiling.”

Sunggyu looked over at him and he really wasn’t smiling. He just sat there, stiff and almost as frustrated as Sunggyu was feeling.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jiyong asked.

“With you?” Sunggyu scoffed.

“Well, I don’t see anyone else here.”

He was right. And honestly, if Sunggyu didn’t talk about it in the moment, he was going to take it back to his apartment and hide it forever. Probably until Woohyun figured it out on his own or dug it out somehow.

“I told him about us.”

“You stupid novice.” Jiyong sighed. “He was right to break up with you.”

“He didn’t seem to care.”

“How?”

Sunggyu shrugged.

“He was fine with it. As long as I wasn’t going to do it again.”

“Never say never.” Jiyong said.

“Jiyong.” Sunggyu chided.

“I’m sorry.” Jiyong apologized as Sunggyu pulled up his legs and buried his head in his knees. “So what was the problem?”

“It just seemed so fake, you know? I mean, I’d just told him I was unfaithful. I practically gave you my virginity and he just… acted like it was nothing.”

“What were you expecting?” Jiyong was patient with his questions that Sunggyu found it so easy to answer anyway.

“I knew he’d be that way. At least, I had a feeling. He did something a while ago and he somehow thinks he owes me.”

“And now you’re even.”

“But he should have been mad. It’s not supposed to be something we can just… these are things people should fight about. If it was you-”

“We are two very different people, Sunggyu.”

“I know that.” Sunggyu said. “Do you think I don’t know that?” Sunggyu sighed. “What kind of relationship is it if we never fight? How healthy is it if he’s just okay with every silly thing I do?”

“We fight and we’re not exactly healthy, Sunggyu.”

Sunggyu cocked his head as he realized Jiyong had a point. A very valid point.

“You’re right.”

“Off course I am.”

“If we were together, we’d destroy each other.”

“Wait, what?” Jiyong asked, grimacing. “That’s a bit overdramatic.”

Sunggyu stared at Jiyong, unimpressed.

“Jiyong, we had sex once. ONCE! And now you’re sitting with me in an elevator when your group is working halfway across the world.” Sunggyu said. “I ruined my dream relationship with a man I never thought was even in my league and our lives are just… crap.”

Jiyong sat silent for a few seconds before he mimicked Sunggyu’s posture and buried his head in his knees.

“We’d ruin each other’s lives. My god, I can’t believe you’re right.”

“It does happen from time to time.” Sunggyu said dryly.

“But the sex was so good.” Jiyong puzzled.

“It was awesome, wasn’t it?”

Both of them sat there, heads turned up to the ceiling as they visited that night in their minds, going back to the hurried undressing and urgent grinding. Sunggyu didn’t believe so much could be done in an hour but Jiyong had showed him different.

 _“Say you love me.”_ Jiyong had said that night and Sunggyu shook his head, writhing beneath him with almost all his power gone from begging and pleading because Jiyong just won’t let him come. _“You have feelings for me, Sunggyu. I can see it in your eyes.”_

 _“Hyung…”_ Sunggyu had said. _“I’ll soon…”_

He’d trailed off because Jiyong had, once again, lifted himself, causing Sunggyu to pull out of him and he’d whined in irritation.

_“Say it and you can come.”_

_“Please.”_ Because it wasn’t fair. He was pretty sure Jiyong had come once already but he’d kept Sunggyu on edge till his teeth were chattering and his eyes refused to open anymore.

Jiyong crouched over him, repositioning Sunggyu again as he slid down on him and Sunggyu moaned from the friction even though he was beginning to think he’d never come. At least, not that night.

_“Sunggyu, please. Say it once and hyung will let you-”_

_“I love you.”_ Sunggyu said and Jiyong came again, screaming and clenching down on him so hard that Sunggyu came too, clutching at Jiyong’s hips with the last of his strength as Jiyong rode out his orgasm, milking Sunggyu into sensitivity.

“I can’t believe you got me to say I love you.”

“Good times.” Jiyong said dreamily.

“You’re not a very good person.”

“Never said I was.”

“You’ll probably die alone.” Sunggyu said.

“Seeing as you just dumped your soul mate, you’ll probably die alone, too.”

Sunggyu groaned at the truth in Jiyong’s words. If he couldn’t make it work with Jongwan, he was never going to be able to make it work with anyone. He had to do something. Once he got back to the apartment, he would call before he went over to Jongwan’s place. Even if it was just a voicemail, he knew Jongwan would listen to it. He had a compulsion to.

“If I leave Seoul tomorrow,” Jiyong said, looking resigned. “I can meet Big Bang in London.”

“Don’t sound so disappointed.”

“It’s just that… I’m supposed to be leader.” Jiyong said. “What kind of leader am I if I abandoned them for, no offence, you?”

“None taken.” Sunggyu said. “I’ve done worse and I’m supposed to be a better person than you.”

Jiyong laughed shortly.

“Oh God! Look at us.” Sunggyu continued. “One sensible conversation and we don’t want to jump each other’s bones anymore.”

“Speak for yourself.” Jiyong said, sending a much exaggerated wink in Sunggyu’s direction as the elevator doors creaked open. Someone from the outside was prying it open. Sunggyu and Jiyong both got to their feet, standing by the wall opposite the door as it opened a little and a man in a maintenance jumper peeked in.

“Anything wrong?” The man asked. “We’ll have you out of there in no time. Can you tell us what happened?”

Before Sunggyu could open his mouth, Jiyong pointed at him.

“He did it.” Jiyong said and Sunggyu looked at him in disbelief.


	10. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending... sort of?

**GYU: are you awake?**

**JWAN: Yes.**

**GYU: can we talk?**

**…**

**JWAN: we are talking.**

Sunggyu sighed in defeat.

**GYU: can we talk about our fight?**

**JWAN: what fight?**

**GYU: don’t be like that.**

**GYU: you know what I’m talking about.**

**JWAN: what do you want to say about it?**

**GYU: I’m sorry.**

**JWAN: okay.**

Sunggyu reminded himself that he was the one seeking forgiveness. He was the one who didn’t really have a right to anger at the moment.

**GYU: where does that leave us?**

**JWAN: us?**

**GYU: you and I.**

**JWAN: (shrugs)**

**GYU: what does that mean?**

**JWAN: whatever you want it to mean.**

**GYU: are you still mad at me?**

**JWAN: no.**

**GYU: you’re being difficult.**

**JWAN: I don’t know what you want me to say.**

**GYU: I’m trying to talk to you.**

**JWAN: I’m talking back, aren’t I?**

**GYU: can I come over?**

**…**

**JWAN: no.**

Sunggyu gulped as he stared at the last text in the chat. He pursed his lips in frustration at the refusal but he was not about to be deterred.

**GYU: when can I come over?**

**JWAN: what are you coming over for?**

**GYU: you know what?**

**JWAN: spell it out.**

**GYU: I want to see you.**

**GYU: I want to apologize.**

**JWAN: don’t come over.**

**GYU: why?**

**JWAN: I’m not ready to see you.**

**GYU: so you ARE mad at me?**

**…**

**GYU: hyung, I didn’t mean to make you mad.**

**GYU: can we talk about this?**

**JWAN: not in the mood to.**

**GYU: when will you be in the mood?**

**JWAN: is this what you’re going to do?**

**GYU: what?**

**JWAN: pressure me till I see you.**

Sunggyu couldn’t believe Jongwan had used the “P” word on him. In a relationship as tentative as theirs that began on such a rocky and non-consensual note, it was not exactly a sensitive word to just throw around. And yet, here he was looking at a text that was, apparently, accusing _him_ of pressuring someone into anything.

His life.

**GYU: what’s that supposed to mean?**

**GYU: I would never pressure you into anything.**

**JWAN: sure you wouldn’t.**

**GYU: hyung, we can’t make this work if you won’t meet me halfway.**

**…**

**JWAN: maybe I don’t want to meet you halfway.**

**JWAN: maybe I’m just done.**

**GYU: excuse me?**

**JWAN: it’s 2am, gyu.**

**JWAN: I need to be at Woollim first thing in the morning.**

**GYU: hyung, what are you saying?**

**JWAN: I’m too old for whatever game you’re playing, gyu.**

**JWAN: I’m done.**

**JWAN: don’t call or text me again.**

**JWAN: unless it’s work-related.**

**GYU: hyung, we need to talk about this.**

**…**

**GYU: hyung?**

**…**

**GYU: just answer me.**

**...**

**GYU: I’m coming over.**

**…**

**GYU: if you don’t answer, I’m going to assume you want me to come over.**

Sunggyu was startled out of looking at his phone as the first tear dropped unto his screen and he tried to wipe it off, inadvertently swiping the phone into his home screen that had the poster for NELL’s debut album.

He leaned back on his room wall as he sobbed into the quiet night. He didn’t even know why, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to make it to Jongwan’s house so late that night. He couldn’t even get out of bed. He just seemed so tired and lagged as sobs wracked through his body till he was folded over and gasping for breath. He pulled his leg up and squeezed in on himself. He needed to calm down before he passed out. It was the middle of the night and there was no one around for him. If he was going to make it passed this, he had to do it on his own… he had to make it on his…

Sunggyu’s vision was beginning to become spotty and squeezing himself up was doing no good. He straightened on his bed and lay on his side as he hummed the chorus of _Time Spent Walking through Memories_ quietly. It was shaky at best, but he began to realise that there was oxygen in the room. If only he would just calm down… and breathe… in… and out… and in… and out…

He continued to hum long after his breath had evened out. And still, he saw no reason to stop. Without meaning to, he let his mind roam as he hummed even louder, trying to shut the voices out. But they just wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t listen.

“ _You’re not running away from us anymore.”_ Howon had said.

 _“You’re not the only one who’s been hurt here, oppa.”_ Chorong had said.

 _“Tell Woohyun… to leave me… ALONE!”_ Sunggyu had grated loudly.

He groaned half way through a hum at his ungratefulness. His members had tried. He could just see it now. How he’d gone around, ignoring people who were there for him, just because he was having a personal crisis. He was leader. He was supposed to be a shoulder. How could he be that and then crumble before them like a pubescent teenager?

 _“Everyone gets a pass to be silly.”_ Howon had said.

 _“We were waiting for you.”_ Myungsoo had said.

Waiting for him to do what? It was obvious that in the recent months, Sunggyu had been anything but worth waiting for. He’d taken his life and dragged it through every bad decision he could possibly make because he was too shitty to actually do anything about it. How could he do this? How could he live with himself? He was such a failure.

 _“Let me make this good for you.”_ Jongwan had said.

“I don’t deserve it, hyung.” Sunggyu said to the quiet room as he realized that Jongwan wasn’t there with him and he hadn’t really said anything so nice to Sunggyu. Not recently. Not since Sunggyu became a spoilt brat.

 _“I was only trying to make you feel better.”_ Jongwan had said.

“I don’t feel better.” Sunggyu said, lying on his back as he shook his head lightly. He really didn’t. A part of him wanted to blame Jongwan. This was, after all, his entire fault. How could he turn Sunggyu and then leave him out to dry? How was Sunggyu going to enjoy any other relation with the knowledge that Jongwan had once been an option?

He sobbed again, feeling the tears slip down the side of his face and unto the comforter beneath his body.

 _“You could mentor him.”_ Woohyun had said. _“You know. The way Jongwan-hyung mentored you.”_

 _“LEAVE IT ALONE, WOOHYUN. I’LL BE FINE WHEN I’M READY!”_ Sunggyu had said.

And Sunggyu had managed to be as ungrateful as ever. Everyone was trying to make him feel good. Jongwan, Woohyun, Infinite, APink… even Taesan. And Sunggyu just ignored them all and locked himself in his Fortress of Depression. He’d laughed and pretended till he couldn’t anymore. And then he’d end up with a vice worse that the last. From punching bare-fisted, to drinking, to Jiyong and only God knew what next he would choose.

 _“I hate the way you look at me.”_ Naeun had said.

 _“You’re kinda very twinkish and molestable.”_ Jiyong had said.

 _“If you’re looking for hot and angry and full of negative feelings, you won’t find that with me.”_ Jongwan had said.

He didn’t even have a remotely positive track record. Naeun was an unintentionally abusive relationship and Jiyong was a mutually destructive one and Jongwan… well Jongwan was nothing but a bone dangling before his eyes that he would never leap high enough for.

_“You don’t deserve me or my devotion.”_

He couldn’t think of anything that was more wrong than that statement. But the sad part was that now that he knew Jongwan deserved his devotion and more, he wasn’t so sure he deserved Jongwan’s.

At all.

*********

Dr. Kang Taehyung was nothing like Sunggyu expected. She was firm and brash and spoke in a tone so condescending, he worried for her clientele. Unlike most noonas or ajummas who just felt the need to coddle and pet at Sunggyu on first meet, she didn’t seem that enamoured with him. And while that had rattled him the first fifteen minutes into the session, Sunggyu found that it was more soothing that anything, once he got the hang of her cadence.

So he answered every question thrown his way as honestly as he could and without shame. He knew what a therapist was and this was not about to be broadcast on Prime Time. She wasn’t in his social circle and she didn’t know his parents. For all he knew, he’d only ever see her in that room and never again. The few times she called him out on not being entirely honest, Sunggyu wracked his brain till he found the truth.

He needed to get better. And fast. Infinite needed him... PT needed him. He couldn’t be a pillar if he kept self-destructing.

“You’re not going to get a quick fix.” She said, almost ninety minutes later.

“Huh?” He asked, sitting up on the clichéd sofa she had.

“You’ll need to set up a schedule to come in and see me more.”

“I thought-” Sunggyu began before he stopped, squinting in confusion.

“We’ve had one session. And quite frankly, you’re the most interesting client I’ve had in a while, what with your openness and honesty. But if you’ve been doing that so I could prescribe you behavioural changes and bid you on your way, you’re mistaken. We’ve opened quite a few wounds today but I have no doubt that there are a ton more. Opening the wound is only the first step. We need to clean it and take care of it so that it can begin to heal. Panic attacks and bouts of depression are not a joke. Especially for such a public figure like yourself.”

She paused, looking at him and Sunggyu knew it was his turn to speak.

“I didn’t know I’d have to... Is there something I should fill?” he decided. If he was going to eat this rat, he may as well have it cooked right.

She smiled at him stiffly again as she buzzed in the girl at the desk and Sunggyu tapped his fingers on his knees as he waited.

********

Two weeks later, when Jiyong steps into his apartment after two months away, he breathes a sigh so lacking in contentment he doesn’t think he’ll sleep the night through.

His prediction turns out to be right when he’s jet lagged and frustrated at four the next morning. So he refuses a shower, throws on a coat and invites himself to Seunghyun’s apartment for the rest of the month where he hides out from the rest of the world. After years of pinning after Seunghyun, he never thought he’d find solace in his home as opposed to anywhere else.

He let Daesung pamper him with meals and goodies as Seunghyun grumbled in the background and as much as he would have liked to forgo the grumpy middle man and just go straight to Daesung’s apartment, he couldn’t deny that Seunghyun’s place was a lot more comfy. Plus Daesung spent more time there anyway.

So Jiyong infused himself into their date nights and even slept in their bed to which Daesung seemed fine with, if his open-blanket policy was anything to go by. If Jiyong had to pretend that Seunghyun was not always skulking around and brooding at both of them, it would have been marvellous. But if Jiyong was going to admit anything, it was that bullying and/or annoying Seunghyun that was probably a highlight in his dry days.

Seungri visited. More often than he usually did when Jiyong lived alone. He always had some excuse to come but Jiyong knew he was just checking up. He could tell they were trying to take care of him because they knew something was off. Everyone did. Jiyong had spent the later part of the tour a shadow of himself so it was becoming a cause for concern. But of all the things he was willing to admit, the fact that he’d been –he wouldn’t say rejected- by Sunggyu, was not one of them.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jiyong said stubbornly, lounging on the couch because Seunghyun had grown smart enough to realise that a successful date night, with the possibility of some sexy times, would occur if he took Daesung _out_ of the house.

Jiyong was home alone when Seungri came over. Spotting hickies on both sides of his neck.

Jiyong **_HATED_** him.

“How’s the family?” Jiyong asked, nodding at Seungri’s neck. He watched him blush as both hands rose to cover the exact spots as if he knew exactly where they were because he had spent every waking moment staring at them. Which, knowing Seungri, he probably had.

“They are fine.”

Jiyong always found it odd how Seungri would get uncomfortable whenever he brought up his relationship. He never understood why. He never asked either, but as he sat there, staring at his maknae who had somehow found it possible to blush and go pale at the same time, Jiyong wondered why.

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“More than “they are fine”. You say the same thing every time I ask.” Jiyong stated.

“Because you don’t really want to know.” Seungri answered. “You’re just asking but if I start to tell you, you’ll lose interest.”

Jiyong found himself shrugging because that was true. Seungri always fell in love too easily and never with very interesting people. He even went through a phase where he swore not date other idols –the boredest phase of all- and Jiyong had to sit through diatribes of Seungri trying to convince himself that he wasn’t about to go crazy with the stupid, worship, stalkery stripper that soon became a problem for YG. Though, in retrospect, the stripper was a large leap up in the interesting department compared the other snooze fests Seungri managed to bring home all the time.

But Howon was different. And by extension, so was Niel. Jiyong knew it from the beginning. Seungri was an Inspirit long before Infinite moved into the same building as he and Youngbae. He’d watched a performance of Histerie from backstage and had flirted with the rapper/dancer till the day was over. Seungri’d been hooked but he was still “not dating idols”. By the time Infinite had moved into the building, Howon was assertive and confient enough to not be interested in the Sunbae from Big Bang who had a crush on him.

If it was someone else, Jiyong may have basked in their shame. Seungri was different. Seungri was his maknae and he cared about his maknae.

Jiyong pulled Seungri unto the sofa with him as he folded the taller boy into his arm as Seungri snuggled in like they used to do when they younger and less weird.

“I won’t be disinterested this time.” Jiyong said and Seungri scoffed.

“What happened between you and Sunggyu-hyung?”

Jiyong sighed as he held Seungri tighter.

“He doesn’t want me.” Jiyong said dryly. “He prefers the relic.”

Seungri laughed.

“So you’re just going to sulk in Seunghyun’s house? He’s tired of you, you know?”

“That’s the whole fun part.” Jiyong said, feeling a little stubborn.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really?” Jiyong stated. “I mean, it’s not like I’m a specimen who people would give their lives and souls to be with but I have to go out and find the one person on the planet who does not think I hung the moon.”

“I don’t think you hung the moon.”

“Not the point!” Jiyong hissed. He sighed, deflating in defeat as he resumes sulking. “I knew he’d never choose me. How can you fight a connection like they have?”

“Not many people can.”

“You are so not helping.”

“Sorry.”

It wasn’t even fun to rage on the maknae anymore. He could not believe he’d become this empty over some hoobae who, months ago, he barely even talked to. He could get over him. It’s not like it was such a difficult thing to do. Jiyong knew his problem was that he’d failed. Once. And someone had gotten away. Practically unscathed.

“Hoya has party this weekend.”

“So?” Jiyong asked.

“You’re coming with me.”

“You won’t make me.”

“You need to get out of this funk or I’m calling YG-hyung.”

Jiyong shrugged because that wasn’t really much of a threat. And Seungri knew it.

“I’ll call your sister.”

Jiyong turned around and glared at the maknae.

“Victory.” Seungri said cheekily as he grinned at his leader.

*********

Jetesy was progressing fast and CEO couldn’t be more proud. Coupled with the fact that Jongwan had decided he didn’t want to be home doing nothing between Nell promotions, he was now producing Jetesy’s debut album. He couldn’t deny that having something to do other than stay home during the lulls in Nell's schedules was rather refreshing. After so many years, having a comeback was not as stressful as it used to be so he found he had the time.

Tablo’s attempts at getting Jongwan and Sunggyu in the same room failed because Jongwan could read him like a book and every single time he had something planned, Jongwan knew immediately. Avoiding Sunggyu soon became a habit that he found easier to abide than he’d ever thought. And the few times they did see each other, a simple nod would suffice from both parties before they went about their business like nothing had changed.

Jongwan needed to move on and if he was doing so, a little too easily, he wasn’t going to examine it too much before floodgates were forced open and he was left drenched in his lonely frustration.

Presently, he sat in the studio, watching and listening as Taesan recorded alone. Jongwan could not deny that he had taken quite a shine to the boy. He was respectful, hardworking and responsible enough to keep to his commitments. But Jongwan had given the boy an assignment that he was failing at so much that every time they saw each other, Jongwan could read the frustration and failure that settled into his features. He pitied him but there was nothing he could do. When Jetesy debuts, Taesan is going to be the leader and leaders have to be worthy of that attention.

Jongwan switched off the music and Taesan was already removing his headphones as he hissed at himself.

“I know hyung.” Taesan said, sighing as he pulled it back on.

“Breathe, Tae.” Jongwan urged as the boy steadied, taking quiet, deep breaths. “Just calm down. It’s getting better.”

Taesan looked up at him.

“Is it?” He asked and Jongwan didn’t know what to say because it really wasn’t. “Why do I even have to change?”

He sounded frustrated again as he sat back on one of the benches lining the walls in the recording booth.

“We’ve been over this. You need to sound original.” Jongwan explained patiently because if history had proven anything, Jongwan could never shout on little Taesan. Everyone knew. People even teased him about it, but he didn’t care.

“But this sound... this is why I got picked by Woollim. This was how I sounded when I auditioned.” Taesan whined, looking back at Jongwan.

“And soon, you won’t be a trainee anymore.”

“I know that.”

“When you debut and sing a song, do you want people to say they love your voice or do you want them to say they love your voice because you sound like Kim Sunggyu?”

Taesan gulped and his eyes drooped to the floor and Jongwan knew he was out of comebacks but was merely stalling to give his mind time to come up with something. Jongwan shook his head in adoration of the boy’s cuteness.

“Come out here.” He waved. “You need to take a break. Go to the cafe and get a snack and come back so we can work some more eh?”

Taesan nodded as he hooked his headphones back unto the mic and got out of the recording booth.

Jongwan turned back to his laptop, subconsciously waiting for Taesan to pass by because he always knew what to expect. The boy’s worship of Sunggyu was so down to the last detail that he even smelled like him and if it wasn’t so comforting, Jongwan might think it creepy. But after years of harbouring his own obsession with Sunggyu, he was not going to judge anyone of their vices.

That was why when Taesan passed by him and a sharp smell intruded on Jongwan’s nose, he hissed and turned around to face him.

“What’s that?” He asked, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice.

“Hyung?” Taesan asked as he stopped to look at him.

“You... you smell different. Why do you smell different?” Jongwan asked.

Taesan chuckled, blushing a little.

“New cologne. Someone got it for me. I was just trying it out.” He looked worried. “Do you not like it?”

Jongwan could feel his eyes watering at the morbidity of the situation. Who would want to mask that honest-to-God beautiful smell with this?

“It’s nice.” He smiled and nodded at Taesan as Taesan brightened up with his shoulders squaring just a little more.

When he left, Jongwan did not know why he felt so alone all of a sudden.

*********

** PINKFINITE **

**HOYA: roll call, guys**

**DINO: drinks**

**HYUN: food**

**EUN: i’m food too**

**HYUN: we can be food 2geda**

**HOYA: Eunji and Woohyun pls tk ur couple’s counselling elswhr**

**RONG: snacks**

**JONG: wats d diff btw food n snacks?**

**RONG: i’m gonna ignore u maknae**

**HAYO: nam n i r cleaning out d apartment.**

**HOYA: wat’s dat supposd 2 mean?**

**NAM: it means ur apartment’s a dump, oppa**

**HAYO: no 1 wants 2 party in a dump**

**HOYA: ur both UNINVITED**

**NAM: den who’d clean d place, oppa?**

**BOMI: i’m on invitation duty**

**DINO: who’s comn?**

**BOMI: Teentop, F(x)**

**BOMI: Lovelyz, Exo**

**BOMI: Big Star, SISTAR, T-ARA**

**HOYA: invite Big Bang**

**BOMI: already did**

**JONG: i’m bringing Taesan.**

**BOMI: i ddnt invite Jetesy**

**BOMI: u knw y?**

**BOMI: BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!!!!!**

**JONG: he’ll be my responsibility**

**YEOL: i’m picking Soo from d airport**

**JONG: ny1 cud do dat, hyung**

**NEUN: jong’s right**

**YEOL: wat r _u_ doing Naeun?**

**NEUN: brngn my sparkln personality?**

**HOYA: find a real job.**

**DINO: whr’s gyu-hyung?**

**RONG: dats right**

**JONG: he’s been mia**

**HYUN: he’s been doing PT stuff with CEO-nim**

**NAM: we neva see him nymor**

**NAM: is he evn cmn?**

**YEOL: job 4 naeun** **JJJJJ**

**HOYA: ok**

**HOYA: Naeun, u mk sure gyu-hyung shows**

**NEUN: ur all a bunch of pussies**

*********

“Remind me again, why we’re going to a party together?” Sunggyu asked as the elevator doors opened on Woohyun and Howon’s floor.

“Stop being boring, grandpa.” Naeun linked her hand into his and pulled, forcing Sunggyu to walk up to the door as he tried not to read too much into her behaviour.

“So this isn’t a ploy to get us back together?” He asked, unable to help himself as Naeun’s fingers paused over the keypad where she’d been setting in the code to the door. Her ears reddened as she continued with the password and the door open. She pulled him inside.

“We’re never getting back together, oppa.” She said, trying to speak over the music in the house.

Sunggyu could not believe that there was ever a time hearing that would have hurt him. At the moment, he could not help the sigh of relief that escaped his lips and she looked back at him oddly as he felt his embarrassment grow from being discovered.

“Sorry.” He said sheepishly.

“For what?” She asked as they were interrupted by Howon.

“No one thought you’d come.” Howon said, collecting Sunggyu from Naeun as she disappeared into the darkened sitting room that was crowded with idols. “You’ve been so busy. We never see you unless it’s work related.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Sunggyu said, following Howon. “I will try better.”

Howon let go of him as soon as they entered the kitchen where Seungri was pouring out drinks into cups on a tray. He picked on up and fed it to Sunggyu till he downed the entire thing. Then he picked one more up and handed it to him.

“Join our tide, hyung.” Howon said, moving to stand around Seungri.

As Sunggyu shook his head to clear a little from the fast-forming fog, he saw the familiar smirk sitting on the kitchen top and exhaled in exasperation.

“What are you even doing here?” He asked, moving to stand beside Jiyong.

“Was hoping to find you.”

Sunggyu laughed as he drank from his cup and then cringed at it.

“You should have more.” Jiyong encouraged.

“You’re being creepy again.” Sunggyu advised.

“Stop judging.” Jiyong said, smacking the back of Sunggyu’s head as Niel and Minsoo entered the kitchen. Jiyong stiffened and Sunggyu got confused as he watched Jiyong’s gaze get averted to the floor. Niel kissed Seungri on the mouth as Minsoo picked up the tray and left. Niel whispered into Seungri’s ear before he giggled ad followed his leader out of the kitchen.

“What have you done now?” Sunggyu asked and Jiyong blushed.

“Hyung embarrassed himself in front of a hoobae.” Seungri said, laughing softly as Jiyong shot him and angered glare.

“He’s exaggerating.” Jiyong said.

“What did he do?”

“Seungri might I remind you that I know things too?” Jiyong asked sweetly as Seungri’s eyes widened and then he shook his head at Sunggyu and then went back filling another tray with cups.

“Why won’t you let him tell me what happened?” Sunggyu asked. “Teentop’s pretty close with Infinite, you know? I’ll find out soon enough.”

“Eh, by then the night would be done and I won’t have to see you again.” Jiyong said.

Howon hissed as he touched a pot without mittens and quickly Seungri was at his side, taking his hands as he led Howon out of the kitchen.

“So who was the girl?” Jiyong asked, conjuring up a cup of alcohol from nowhere.

“What girl?”

“The one you came with.” Jiyong motioned at the door and Sunggyu noted that from where they were standing in the kitchen, they had a clear view of the door, right passed the sitting room and dining.

“Naeun from APink.” Sunggyu said, trying to sound nonchalant. But then he realized he didn’t have to fake it. Jiyong was nothing to him at the moment and neither was Naeun.

“Is that all she is?”

“We used to date.” Sunggyu stated, knowing Jiyong was going to probe till something gave.

“Ohhhh!” he said, sipping. “The one that turned you gay.”

“Excuse you.” Sunggyu said, looking up at Jiyong who was now swinging his legs from the counter. “My liking guys had nothing to do with her.”

“So you just woke up one morning and realized you had boners for boys?”

 _Yes_ , Sunggyu thought because that was exactly what happened. Accurately so.

“Tell me what happened with Minsoo and I’d tell you what happened with Naeun.”

Jiyong looked stumped as he struggled with himself till he finally let out a breath he probably didn’t know he was holding and then shook his head.

“I don’t care about her that much.” Jiyong said. Sunggyu laughed.

“You must have really done something stupid. Jiyong you need to stop doing stuff that you’ll be ashamed of.”

“It was an accident, alright? How was I supposed to know he didn’t like guys?” Jiyong asked.

_What?_

“Minsoo’s gay.” Sunggyu said.

“No, he’s not.” Jiyong brushed away, drinking again.

“Is your gay-dar on the fritz? I’m telling you, he’s not straight.”

Jiyong stopped, freezing with his cup halfway away from his mouth as his head tilted in thought and then he looked down at Sunggyu.

“Is that accurate?” He asked, almost in a whisper and Sunggyu nodded. “Okay, now the entire thing just replayed in my head in a whole new, different way.”

He sat there as Sunggyu watched him in amusement. Dropping his cup, Jiyong jumped off the counter as he slapped Sunggyu on the back.

“Later.” He said, bounding out of the kitchen and leaving Sunggyu behind.

*********

The party was loud and dark and full of people way past the reasonable-drinking limit by the time Jongwan got there. And he was wondering why he’d even bothered. Everything didn’t want him there but he’d pushed and forced his way because now that he was being honest, he really couldn’t take it anymore.

His jacket had ripped on the door. He’d forgotten his phone so he couldn’t call. The light had gone out in his building while he was in the elevator. He’d fought tooth and nail to get a cab to get here. And when he’d finally reached Sunggyu’s door, he hadn’t been home. Jongwan sat for the first hour telling himself that he would wait till Sunggyu got home but soon, he began to feel old and creepy, waiting for a boy on a Friday night. What if Sunggyu brought someone home?

He’d shook his head in mild anger and had gotten to his feet, determined to leave and never return.

In the elevator, he’d run into two girls who were, apparently, from Woollim. They’d bowed low and greeted him in reverence and in the midst of small talk –you know, being the nice sunbae he was- Jongwan had discovered they were headed to Howon’s for a party.

He’d rode the elevator with them and then waited till it took him to the ground floor before he rode it back up and alighted on Howon’s floor.

He was let in by an over-happy Woohyun who hugged him too tightly before ushering him in and then looking left and right into the corridor as if he was smuggling in cocaine. As he entered, he had to let his eyes adjust to the fact that besides the fore room and the kitchen, all the other lights in the apartment were turned off and everyone in the place seemed to be moving.

He noticed a crowd by the kitchen door but just as he was about to enter into the darkened area, the crowd moved and he was greeted by the sight of a solitary Sunggyu, leaning against the counter with a cup in his hand as he stared off into space.

Jongwan’s heart skipped a beat, having seen Sunggyu twice since their break up and only just realizing that he really had no plan of what he was going to do or say when he came in contact with Sunggyu.

While he was contemplating, Sunggyu dropped his cup and looked up as their eyes locked across the party of people between them and Jongwan couldn’t look away... didn’t want to.

Sunggyu straightened, still looking at him and before Jongwan knew it, Sunggyu was making his way across, unsure and shaky till he was standing right in front of Jongwan.

“Can we talk?” Jongwan asked and Sunggyu nodded so they left the party.

Jongwan found that he still had no idea where to start from but they were already at Sunggyu’s door and he was setting in the code as the door opened.

“You wanted to talk, hyung?” Sunggyu said, holding the door open for him.

“How have you been?” Jongwan asked.

“Good.” Sunggyu said. “Better, actually. I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

Jongwan nodded even though it hurt to know that Sunggyu had done something so important but Jongwan was not a part of it. He felt silly for betraying Sunggyu so.

“I...” Jongwan said but then stopped. “I don’t really know why I came here today. I’m the one who said you shouldn’t contact me-”

“It’s fine, hyung. I don’t mind.”

“It was... childish and-” he stopped abruptly. “I don’t do good speeches like you, Sunggyu.”

A small smile played on Sunggyu’s lips and Jongwan’s eyes dropped to them, and he had the sudden urge to lick his own lips but he thought that might be wildly inappropriate at the time.

“I miss you.” Jongwan said simply, because it was the truth and he was stupid to have only realised it because a little boy changed his cologne. “I needed to see you. Didn’t you need to see me too?”

“You told me to stay away.”

“I know and I... GOD!” he shouted, punching the air as he turned away from Sunggyu because this was really not his thing. “Couldn’t you have called? At least once. Really Sunggyu? Am I not that important? Don’t I deserve some pleading?”

“Is that what you were looking for?” Sunggyu asked. “I’m sorry I’m not a mind-reader.”

“You avoided me like you were mad at me.” Jongwan accused.

“ _You_ were mad at _me_!” Sunggyu pointed out beginning to sound a little angry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“I wanted you to call me back, gyu-yah.” Jongwan said.

“What?” Sunggyu asked as if he really had never considered the possibility that he should ask for forgiveness. “You... you said-”

“I know what I said. I didn’t know you’d listen.”

“I always listen to you.” Sunggyu said and Jongwan did not know how he could have been stupid enough to forget that Sunggyu’s obedience was as predictable as sunrise. He had blamed Sunggyu for not knowing who he was entering into a relationship with but hadn’t Jongwan been just as flippant, tossing around commands and forgetting what he was to Sunggyu? What Sunggyu would do with that command?

“You...” He stopped again because if he was going understand such devotion and obedience there was really only one thing he’d been dying ~~to ask~~ to say. “Kiss me.”

“What?” Sunggyu said, unknowingly taking a step in Jongwan’s direction.

“Kiss me. Now!”

Before he could blink, he had an armful of Sunggyu as lips pressed to his in delayed urgency that Jongwan’s knees almost gave out from the amount of pressure applied. He moaned into it, taking Sunggyu’s face in his hands as he angled the boy to the left so as to slot their lips better together and Jongwan couldn’t think of anywhere else he wanted to be at the moment.

“Sunggyu.” He moaned between kisses as Sunggyu continued to attack him.

“I love you.” Sunggyu moaned back as Jongwan coughed, laughing into the kiss as Sunggyu just pressed further, trying to imbue as much in the kiss as Jongwan would let him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for the support through out  
> the encouragements and love has been my fuel  
> so glad i could finally finish this baby that brought me to AO3 in the first place.  
> i sincerely hope i did her justice
> 
>  
> 
> WAIT!!!
> 
> So, i hv been told that there is some smut needed and more of a resolution to the gyuwan issues so please, stay tunned. Will get back to this soon enough  
> Otherwise, the story is pretty much done


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